My Narcisstic MIL to be

couponqueen123

Emiloop wrote: »

I have been with my OH for 12 years and we have two children together. Recently he proposed (finally:T) which I am so happy about as we are still very much in love and want to make us 'official'. However, his Mother is the most controlling person I have ever met and has caused many problems throughout our relationship. Examples; she wanted to be at the birth of our first child, we're not exactly close so I didn't feel comfortable about that so we chose not to tell her when I was in labour- 7 years on and she still harks on how evil (yes really!) it was that she missed the birth of her Grandchild. Then came the naming of said child, lets just say all very stressful as it wasn't her chosen name! So on and so on...

It's not just us who suffers her, it's the whole family, her Husband especially, he has left many times and suffered breakdowns. In her mind, she is always right and no one can tell her any different. She's better than everyone- she always puts me and my family down and generally makes me feel like crap. I now realise she ticks all the boxes for NPD so this helps me to not 'bite back' anymore as she really does have a mental disorder and it's not her fault.

So my wedding plans are already being tarnished as she wants a lavish do. Even the outfit she's planning to wear is a white lace dress. Me, I am just happy to be marrying the one I love and we just don't have the funds for a lavish do. We already have a family and mortgage to pay for, she expects us to save up for the event for 5 years. We could probably get £2000 for next year (work bonus) and I just want to run away from it all and just do it. I've been looking at Vegas, it looks fun and of course the thought of his Mother not being there is very appealing but will cause huge amounts of stress upon our return. I mentioned to her we were thinking of going away to do it because of the cost and as expected, went ballistic- telling me how dare I even consider taking her first born away to be married, she never offered to help financially for her expectations either. OH feels the same wants to be married but without the rows.


So, what should I do? Elope and never hear the last of how evil I am (would that be so bad?) or save hard for years for HER special day? How would you feel if your DS or DD went away to marry?

I should 'man up' but I moved to my partner's hometown miles away from my family and friends so don't really have a support network and she is round our house ALL THE TIME.

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to give a bit of background.

the first bit iv highlighted just imform her the last time you checked in this country once two people become 18+ there adults who make there own life choices

secondly if u want to get married with out her do so , shes going to moan not like it what ever you do so beat her to it and just go with out her i would

if u dont want her coming around daily then you need to be out when she comes around do it for a while they get the hint in the end if not man up again ,like i did and just tell them enough is enough and that if there precious son wanted them he would be there:o:eek:

recently things came to ahead in our family as my mil like to poke her nose in all the time (she rings and txts constantly ) final straw was her demanding i get my dd a flu jab if not she was :eek: (

after my o/h wouldnt say anything to sort it out i had to but it came out all heated as i was so angry over the cheeky of her :eek:

but now she knows where she stands ;)and to give me space havent had a txt or call for weeks now :T

i feel for you but untill you or yr o.h tell her whats what or shut her out nothing will happen hard but must be done i think if she that bad

your the childs mother and thats what counts

Emiloop

Yes, in my head I want to hold a party on our return and have a slide show of pics and then be welcomed in as the new Mr and Mrs! At least then we would have other people there to calm her down. I think I know what to do now. Thanks. I know how ridiculous this all sounds. It's just as crazy as she is to me I don't want to hurt her feelings. Someone slap me fgs!

Emiloop

duchy wrote: »

If you look on the wedding forum I posted a "Vegas on a budget " post- flight hotel and wedding for under £2K a little while ago

Ha ha, that's exactly the thread that made me go hmmm lets run away!

paulineb_2

Emiloop wrote: »

Yes, in my head I want to hold a party on our return and have a slide show of pics and then be welcomed in as the new Mr and Mrs! At least then we would have other people there to calm her down. I think I know what to do now. Thanks. I know how ridiculous this all sounds. It's just as crazy as she is to me I don't want to hurt her feelings. Someone slap me fgs!

Calm her down. Dont invite her unless she can behave. Seriously you really do need to spend less time with this woman, her behaviour will also impact your kids.

andygb

Emiloop wrote: »

Wow, thanks for replies. I guess I just need support in my decision and wanted other opinions. Thank you all

It's helping me already!

The problem with narcissistic people (I have a sister who is very narcissistic), is that they try to control EVERY situation, and the only thing which you can do, is to stand up to them every time and say "NO!"
The more that you let them succeed, the worse they get, trying to plan your life for you, even to the extent of trying to choose clothes and decorate houses for you, when you just want them to leave you alone.
Nothing which you do, or places which you visit are ever as nice as the ones they go to, and presents which you buy them are always wrong/don't work/unsuitable/shoddy, whereas the ones they buy are the best available - something which they will remind you of every time they see you.
If you start a conversation with someone, they will butt in, and change it so the conversation revolves around their favourite subject - them!
So, Emiloop, stand firm and if you feel it all getting too much, come back on here for some moral support.
Congratulations, and I hope that it all goes well for you.

Emiloop

couponqueen123 wrote: »

the first bit iv highlighted just imform her the last time you checked in this country once two people become 18+ there adults who make there own life choices

secondly if u want to get married with out her do so , shes going to moan not like it what ever you do so beat her to it and just go with out her i would

if u dont want her coming around daily then you need to be out when she comes around do it for a while they get the hint in the end if not man up again ,like i did and just tell them enough is enough and that if there precious son wanted them he would be there:o:eek:

recently things came to ahead in our family as my mil like to poke her nose in all the time (she rings and txts constantly ) final straw was her demanding i get my dd a flu jab if not she was :eek: (

after my o/h wouldnt say anything to sort it out i had to but it came out all heated as i was so angry over the cheeky of her :eek:

but now she knows where she stands ;)and to give me space havent had a txt or call for weeks now :T

i feel for you but untill you or yr o.h tell her whats what or shut her out nothing will happen hard but must be done i think if she that bad

your the childs mother and thats what counts

Oh been there, but it was the swine flu vaccine. I was threatened with social services for putting my children at risk by not giving them it.

kelpie35

If you and your OH are agreed on going away to get married, that is all that matters.

It is about both of you making a commitment, to love and to cherish each other, not the MIL.

I hope you are able to have a wedding that YOU and OH love.

Emiloop

andygb wrote: »

The problem with narcissistic people (I have a sister who is very narcissistic), is that they try to control EVERY situation, and the only thing which you can do, is to stand up to them every time and say "NO!"
The more that you let them succeed, the worse they get, trying to plan your life for you, even to the extent of trying to choose clothes and decorate houses for you, when you just want them to leave you alone.
Nothing which you do, or places which you visit are ever as nice as the ones they go to, and presents which you buy them are always wrong/don't work/unsuitable/shoddy, whereas the ones they buy are the best available - something which they will remind you of every time they see you.
If you start a conversation with someone, they will butt in, and change it so the conversation revolves around their favourite subject - them!
So, Emiloop, stand firm and if you feel it all getting too much, come back on here for some moral support.
Congratulations, and I hope that it all goes well for you.

Thank you. Bang on with the description there!

rosie-lee

Or have a small Register office ceremony here, then all the legal stuff has been done in this country and fly off the same/next day to celebrate on your dream holiday in Vegas or elsewhere.

I would relax more, knowing I had given her chance to wear her ridiculous outfit & fuss about but be strict, on grounds of budget, about a £49 max 6 guest ceremony in the morning & lunch after ..... Then jet off & forget all about her, feeling exhonorated & relaxed x

Tell her it's a toss up between flash wedding or holiday with kids & guilt trip into agreeing you are doing best for kids!!

MrsE_2

Emiloop wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. I don't know why I mentioned it to her, she was just going on about Manor house weddings etc and I was like, well we are thinking about...
In bf's defence, he wasn't there but he is the only one out of her whole family who does stand up to her- even though it's always unsuccessful, whatever he says or does is because I've apparently brainwashed him.
This woman is not one you can reason with. Everyday is already a battle with her. Which is why it's such a dilemma for me.

Clearly shes not going to be happy whatever you do anyway, so don't waste your time trying to please her, please yourself & enjoy your day.

Tell her you're saving, then book a holiday & get married :-)
When you get back, say you couldn't bear to wait 5 years.