Family cut themselves out of my son's life

lostinrates

Honestly.....

I wouldn't be in a huge rush to get presents for Wiglet either. It will be construed as ' she is in touch when she wants something' or ' can you believe the cheek, doesn't talk to us and sends a courier for the gifts, or tells us where we can drop them off'.

But...I'm not a parent, and I know it much be very much harder knowing that there is stuff your child could have but you are not getting him.

unicorn1984

Thats a valid point about the gifts, but then Wiglet is loosing out.... would accepting gifts from your Nan and sister but not your mum be possible?! Maybe say to your sister (if you go ahead with the exchange of gifts) that you wouldn't feel comfortable accepting gifts from your mum under the circumstances? But its totally your call!

I didn't speak to my Dad for 2 years and whenever he sent me a card for my birthday or Xmas with the obligatory cheque in, I always binned them and didn't cash them for the same reasons. Didn't want him saying "she wont speak to me but she will gladly take my money"...

But from what you have told us, I can definitely see your mum harping on to anyone that will listen about how you wont allow her to see "her Wiglet" but you will gladly take gifts from her.

dragonette

Maybe pressie from Nan, but not mum or sister? Sister behaving just as badly as mum imo, 'collusion' springs to mind.

Whatever you decide Wiggy, Wiglet has you and that is really all he needs

lostinrates

unicorn1984 wrote: »

Thats a valid point about the gifts, but then Wiglet is loosing out.... would accepting gifts from your Nan and sister but not your mum be possible?! Maybe say to your sister (if you go ahead with the exchange of gifts) that you wouldn't feel comfortable accepting gifts from your mum under the circumstances? But its totally your call!

I didn't speak to my Dad for 2 years and whenever he sent me a card for my birthday or Xmas with the obligatory cheque in, I always binned them and didn't cash them for the same reasons. Didn't want him saying "she wont speak to me but she will gladly take my money"...

But from what you have told us, I can definitely see your mum harping on to anyone that will listen about how you wont allow her to see "her Wiglet" but you will gladly take gifts from her.

I hear what you say.....

But somewhat like wiggy's mother, one cannot both have one's cake and eat it.


Wiggy is doing SUCH A GREAT JOB. She's learning all kind of new boundaries, and I think the issue with her son's dad is an example, of having to learn what the norms to expect are...totally from scratch. That's pretty impressive load to take on.

I think if you want to have you cake (freedom from the tyranny) and eat it (gifts for Wiglet) then she will continue as she is doing and learn to bake her self (just as she is doing.....making a new future, becoming emotionally provident, learning where boundaries should be for her comfort and as financially more secure getting 'stuff'.' Of those, stuff is the least vital, and he's going to have something from her, something from his dad......he's not going to be empty handed.

terra_ferma

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

First let me say I'm sorry for posting again, don't want to hog the board, just going through some difficulties and honestly this is the only place I'll get any help.

Ok so, a few days ago, I had an argument with family- things were going fine with them, suddenly they wanted to take my 2 year old to Spain next year. I said a holiday in the UK was fine but not abroad, not without me, wasn't comfortable with it, not in my gut and no matter who is with, I feel there's too much risk for him being so little. He can't say his own name, he's only two and I just think of kids like Maddie, plus its 14 days which is too, too long.

They said they would cut the relationship unless I let him, they have a right to take him wherever, whenever. I explained my reasons and offered a compromise of a week holiday in the UK, possibly two through the year. A beach is still a beach! No texts. Yesterday night they were supposed to collect him for his usual stay over at theirs. No texts, no calls, silence.

So I'm guessing they're either trying to blackmail me into it with silence or have followed through. I'm pretty surprised tbh, a holiday argument worth the relationship and love for my son? And they really love seeing my son, and I thought our relationship had improved. Even my sister! Not going into it all now but need advice.

Basically, it is just me. Me alone. My son's dad doesn't want to see him and left 2 weeks into my pregnancy, after a long relationship and engagement. I don't have any friends, uni friends live too far, there's no-one here. I have my son's nursery and crèche staff, and my class teachers, that's it. No real support or shoulder. And frankly, with this new situation I'm terrified.

I'm used to being a single parent but its really hit it home now. I'm going to have to get a CM for my volunteering as part of my TA course, instead of my sister looking after my son. I'm going to have to really put in effort to treat my son, play centres, etc., as there's no sleepover at grandma's. I cant stay at home with him all the time and there are very few things to do in my area. I'm probably gonna have to cancel our trip to Disneyland Paris as there's no-one to look after my dog and guinea pig, and I was so, SO looking forward to that and saved so much for it.

I'm mostly worried that my son will be destroyed by having no-one, except me. No grandma, no aunt, no baby cousin, no dad. And that this will rebound to me, my fault, as though I should give in to blackmail and something I'm not comfortable with.

Has anyone got any advice or help? I see a lot of people here have cut ties from family for one reason or another, but more than often, they have partners and other families, other friends. I have none of that!

Thank you.

sorry didn't read the whole thread, just wanted to say that you were perfectly reasonable. Try and take my niece away from her mum for more than a couple of hours if you dare...
I don't know many mums who would allow their child to go away with family without them, except very few circumstances (e.g. needed a hand while going through difficult times, work commitments etc)

unicorn1984

lostinrates wrote: »

I hear what you say.....

But somewhat like wiggy's mother, one cannot both have one's cake and eat it.


Wiggy is doing SUCH A GREAT JOB. She's learning all kind of new boundaries, and I think the issue with her son's dad is an example, of having to learn what the norms to expect are...totally from scratch. That's pretty impressive load to take on.

I think if you want to have you cake (freedom from the tyranny) and eat it (gifts for Wiglet) then she will continue as she is doing and learn to bake her self (just as she is doing.....making a new future, becoming emotionally provident, learning where boundaries should be for her comfort and as financially more secure getting 'stuff'.' Of those, stuff is the least vital, and he's going to have something from her, something from his dad......he's not going to be empty handed.

I am not suggesting she accept gifts from her mum, but as far as the thread suggests, Nan hasn't done anything wrong, and wiggy sent Nan a gift for her birthday also, so rejecting gifts from her may be very upsetting for the Nan. I am merely going off what has been told by Wiggy and there is no indication that Nan has done anything wrong. Sister and Mum are different of course and I'm sure wiggy will know what to do for the best

duchy

Frankly all three of them bear some responsibility for allowing Ma Wiggy for behaving so badly towards their sister and grandaughter as they all live in the same house. The sister is younger than Wiggy so may not know any better but an adult woman is a different matter. I'm sure she loves Wiggy but why on earth is she allowing her daughter to behave so badly-especially in her own house.

PuzzledDave

When I was 5 years old, I was taught not to take sweets from strangers.

Honestly, I don't see how these offers of presents via sister should be considered any differently.

HPoirot

duchy wrote: »

Frankly all three of them bear some responsibility for allowing Ma Wiggy for behaving so badly towards their sister and grandaughter as they all live in the same house. The sister is younger than Wiggy so may not know any better but an adult woman is a different matter. I'm sure she loves Wiggy but why on earth is she allowing her daughter to behave so badly-especially in her own house.

I get the impression that the Nan lives in awe, if not fear, of Wiggy's overbearing mum. If the woman has never been contradicted all her life then the Nan would certainly never have done so.

lostinrates

HPoirot wrote: »

I get the impression that the Nan lives in awe, if not fear, of Wiggy's overbearing mum. If the woman has never been contradicted all her life then the Nan would certainly never have done so.

Not unlike the sister, but with the benefit of having not always had the mother in her life! I DO have sympathy for her. And the sister. But I think wiggy is doing well, and that her emotional resources are not limitless.

She has two people to look out for above all else, her and Wiglet, and its still very early days. I think its possible to have plenty of sympathy for the grandmother but feel that wiggy's and wiglets best interests might not be served At this time, by doing other than writing to her expressing love and fondness. If they could meet independently, I would probably be saying something different, But I'm not sure wiggy has written that that is possible.