Family cut themselves out of my son's life

LannieDuck

Mojisola wrote: »

And it can also be a ploy to getting Wiggy communicating with them again.

If she stays free of them for a while and builds up her emotional strength and self-confidence, the time may come when she will be able to objectively list just what was wrong about her mother's behaviour but Wiggy and Wiglet's well-being is more important than her mother's at the moment.

It could well be a ploy, but I tend to assume the simplest explanation is the best - she doesn't understand why Wiggy's dropped contact. Especially the case if she has a different memory of events to Wiggy, e.g. the oar incident, and denying she ever said that she never wanted to see wiglet again. I have a relative who always rewrites history to how he wanted it to be. I think he genuinely remembers things how he wants them to have happened. Memories are tricky things - there's been a lot of work done on trying to understand how multiple witnesses to the same event can have wildly differing memories of it.

I'm sure Wiggy can list what was wrong about her mother's behaviour now.

HPoirot

I agree with tiger eyes, harrys nan, thoarsoak, Mojisola. This does not look one bit genuine; if anything, it is another trick in a bully's book of tactics: act all helpless and guilt trip you into giving in to them.

Funny how she remembers all too well how she has been wronged by Wiggy but not at all what pushed Wiggy to that: why mention the oar attack in isolation, did it happen out of the blue or was it when she was trying to snatch a baby away from his mother??

I would not text back or write back either, she needs to understand that NO CONTACT means no direct contact. If anything, I would step up on the legal front: here she is again, harassing you by text and sneaking up on you. You should tell the CAB that the first letter does not seem to have the effect needed, she is still talking of taking Wiglet away for the day in her harassing texts.

HPoirot

LannieDuck wrote: »

It could well be a ploy, but I tend to assume the simplest explanation is the best - she doesn't understand why Wiggy's dropped contact. Especially the case if she has a different memory of events to Wiggy, e.g. the oar incident, and denying she ever said that she never wanted to see wiglet again. I have a relative who always rewrites history to how he wanted it to be. I think he genuinely remembers things how he wants them to have happened. Memories are tricky things - there's been a lot of work done on trying to understand how multiple witnesses to the same event can have wildly differing memories of it.

I'm sure Wiggy can list what was wrong about her mother's behaviour now.

She was not a witness to this, she was the perpetrator. You would not remember things differently to how you did them yourself.

chickenpants

Wiggy I have been following your thread daily but never felt the need to comment until now as everyone gave you such good advice already there wasn't really much I could add to it. I thought I would let you know though that it does get better. I stopped my dad from seeing me and my children about 11 years ago now. Same narcissistic personality as you describe, although he never dared to try and take my children he would put me down, shout at me, use emotional blackmail and bad mouth the rest of my family who had already cut contact. I then tried again after a few years and it all began again. He would say things to my children like "I would give you / take you to xyz but your mummy won't let you". This was all just continued from childhood really. When I cut contact, first he tried all the emotional blackmail you describe, keep ignoring it, hopefully it will stop. 6 years on now, he doesn't contact me at all but he does send my children birthday and Christmas cards containing money or gift vouchers. I have to try to hold my head high and not let it bother me. In the sense that you feel that your mother only cares about your son and not you, he never bothers about me, only the children. My children are 13 and 9 now and whilst I have not told them all the gory details I have been honest with them and they have a hatred for him I have never seen from either of them. I'm rooting for you, you are an incredibly strong person and can do this without them

paulineb_2

Ive said it before. She tried to abduct your child. Do not be blackmailed by her into resuming contact even if its for the sake of your child. If you ever do allow her to have contact with your child, her and your sister, I think it should be through social services and at a contact centre where she can be supervised.

With regards to the key. I wouldnt be paying thousands for a replacement. Id try and get someone to write her a letter asking for its return, under the circumstances, she cant expect to have a close key to your home.

None of us know what the issue is with this woman, whether she has mental health problems, but lots of people have mental health problems and dont act like she does.

You owe her nothing, absolutely nothing. My advice, get an app that blocks texts on your phone asap or change your number. Keep the texts but do not respond.

I think youve been more than understanding, more than patient and youve been treated like the dirt off her shoe, she caused problems with your sons father, shes manipulative and she doesnt care when shes hammering your door trying to get in to do goodness knows what.

Shes toxic and Im sure she knows fine well what the effect her behaviour has had on you in the past, as other people have said, you just arent dancing to her tune right now and she cant stand it.

KxMx

LannieDuck wrote: »

I haven't commented on this thread for a while (although I'm following all the way) because I have a different opinion on it to everyone else... and since I have no direct experience of this type of situation, I thought it best to leave the advice to those who do.

But I'm still really concerned that your family don't know what it is that they've done wrong. You've effectively cut off your family in order to save your sanity.... which is fine and you're totally allowed to do that. But it does mean that Mum and sister are going to carry on thinking you're the unreasonable one and the unstable one, and that they've done nothing wrong, and you're being unfair to wiglet in stopping him from playing with his cousin etc etc. And they're never going to change to become more reasonable people. Because they don't realise that that's what you want them to do.

My personal approach to this would be to find a way to have a limited, calm dialogue with your Mum (not saying that'll be easy - maybe a letter?) where you lay out very plainly the events that have precipitated this from your perspective. Then you can explain what you want in the future, e.g. no contact / much reduced contact / supervised meetings with wiglet only / whatever. They'd refute it all of course, but that doesn't matter - you just continue as you have been, but at least they know what you expect to happen before the relationship can be cordial again.

I do acknowledge that opening up a dialogue with your family will probably upset you... although they're doing that now anyway, and it's only going to get worse in the run-up to xmas. From your Mum's POV, she's had a very close relationship with her grandson since he was born, and you've suddenly stopped that. She's missed two months of his growing up, having him at the Halloween party, grandma's birthday, and now all the fun of the run-up to xmas.

You've proven you're strong enough to do this on your own. I don't think you should ever go back to being as dependent on your family as you were, but I do think it would be a shame not to try and find a way that you can still have some contact. Or you can, of course, continue as you have been and actually do it on your own from here on out. That's your prerogative.

I'm not suggesting that what I would do is necessarily right for you. I'm sure there are many on here who won't think it is

Some though will not, can not and do not want to change into being reasonable people.

I'd respectfully suggest wiggy knows her mother best to make this judgement for herself.

I worked on the relationship with my Mum and we resolved things. But I know it's a lost cause with my Dad so I don't bother. He inhabits a total fantasy world and nothing will remove those rose tinted glasses. I've tried saying i'd like an email once a week, and i'd like him to value me more (ie stop asking for my contact details when we've been here 8 years, you should have them correct and saved in multiple places like I have yours). Nada, nowt, nothing gets through.

Personally i'm gobsmacked, absolutely gobsmacked that wiggy's mum brings up the oar incident so far out of context. I think that speaks volumes!

meritaten

I am with the others on this - Its still all about HER isn't it? Her crying and not sleeping, Her missing wiglet, (funny, you haven't said once on this thread that Wiglet has cried for his nan - or even asked about her! if this is so, then that speaks volumes!

Get that solicitor who wrote the harassment letter to write again asking for the key to your outside door to be returned to HIS address! and to state that she has violated your wishes on two further occasions and that you feel you may have to take things further.
DO NOT contact her yourself wiggy hun! do not open up any dialogue until you are stronger! YOU are doing so well by staying clear of her - it would be a shame to let her drip her poison into your life again. Just look at how venomous and manipulative she is by txt! The oar incident was put in there so SHE can look like an innocent victim.
stay away from her and her txt messages wiggy - they should carry a government health warning! she is toxic.

lostinrates

Oh wiggy...

Can you giggle at the fact she should keep her oar out?

Angry_Bear

LannieDuck wrote: »

My personal approach to this would be to find a way to have a limited, calm dialogue with your Mum (not saying that'll be easy - maybe a letter?) where you lay out very plainly the events that have precipitated this from your perspective.

I know exactly where you're coming from - this was what I meant previously when I said I kept wanting to suggest a rational response. The problem is, with irrational people, if you open a dialogue like this they won't just refute it. They'll browbeat you over the head with why you're wrong until you feel unreasonable sticking to your guns. Most people will end up giving in because they can't keep fighting.

At this point, who cares if Wiggy's mother knows what she's done wrong or not? All that matters is that Wiggy and Wiglet are happy, secure and safe and can move forward with their life. If at some point in the future, Wiggy wants to initiate contact with her mother and try to build some sort of contact then good luck to her, but (in my opinion) doing this due to a guilt trip will just lead her back into the situation she's tried so hard to leave.

If she never decides to have any contact with her mother again, I don't think anyone would blame her.

Dimey

We are going over old ground Wiggy.

If you are serious about getting a break from your mother and you still fear she will take Wiglet from you or she will grind you down again, or she will influence Wiglet negatively, then you need to formally put distance between you.

You mother is cleverly putting derogatory content towards you in her texts to put doubt about your credibility in the minds of anyone who reads the texts. Your mother obviously believes someone else has put you up to defying her.

Get a new SIMM card and do not give the number to your mother or sister.

Go to the Family Law Centre solicitor or to the Police to ask for help to get an injunction or restraining order. Your mother is a relative who is harassing you and has gone toxic towards you - and you want that contact stopped. Show what evidence you have - Police crime number from the visit and the texts and tell them about her threats to abduct Wiglet. Try again to get a letter from your doctor about the adverse effect your Mother's behaviour is having on your health.

I wonder whether the police can influence your Housing Association to change the lock on the outer door without charge to you? Worth asking. If not maybe a charity like Womens Aid will help or point you in the right direction. Get an accurate quote from the Repairs department in writing.

Research these websites from earlier in the thread: -

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100330002

https://www.askthe.police.uk/content/Q151.htm

http://www.ncdv.org.uk/non-molestation-order/

http://www.ncdv.org.uk/

http://www.cpft.nhs.uk/services/bullying-uk.htm