Family cut themselves out of my son's life

wiggywoo9

RE: the key, it is an old system, not electronic so yes would be copy-able. I spoke to HA today, used the police and legal issues as well. She said it'd be very expensive to change, and they would not do it free. She said I'd be billed for it but did stress how expensive it'd be, no price given, and that was why they are careful who they give those keys too. I did say it was stolen, but she just said contact repairs, see what they say. Well they won't care- they only handle repairs! I'm guessing from her response the price is in the high hundreds, perhaps thousands? If I had that money, I'd bloody move, not change the door!!

*Deep sigh* Right. I went to bed around ten last night and got up early for my class. Around half 11 a text was sent to me. From mum:

'MY NAME im really upset I cant sleep and am crying everynight and missing WIGLET so much, I just cant believe youd accuse me of harassment your own mum? and phone the police cuz we came round forgods sake what have I done?? it was bad enough when you attacked me with an oar and now this! you must really hate me to be this cruel im soo upset I don't know what to say poor WIGLET I love him soo much and have been in his life from the start do you really want him to have no contact with us?? what about his presents? I don't even understand is someone filling your head with stuff? if you don't want us in your life then that's your choice but WIGLET deserves to know his family plz txt back x'

With the oar bit, that's the day she took him and I was in garden. I mentioned it somewhere.

tiger_eyes

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

'MY NAME im really upset I cant sleep and am crying everynight and missing WIGLET so much, I just cant believe youd accuse me of harassment your own mum? and phone the police cuz we came round forgods sake what have I done?? it was bad enough when you attacked me with an oar and now this! you must really hate me to be this cruel im soo upset I don't know what to say poor WIGLET I love him soo much and have been in his life from the start do you really want him to have no contact with us?? what about his presents? I don't even understand is someone filling your head with stuff? if you don't want us in your life then that's your choice but WIGLET deserves to know his family plz txt back x'

She is desperate for a reaction. Desperate. This is the last flailing of the death throes of the ignored narcissist. You can hear her high-pitched scream of anguish in the background: Why aren't they paying attention to me?!

harrys_nan

I think you perhaps need to step things up a bit now and if you are 120% sure you do not want her in both your lives(and I wouldn't) then take an injunction out to make it official that she is to keep away. I think she is sending you (or trying to) on one big guilt trip, she will push and push if you don't stop her pdq, you are a very strong and good mum and really do not need this

RAS

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

RE: the key, it is an old system, not electronic so yes would be copy-able. I spoke to HA today, used the police and legal issues as well. She said it'd be very expensive to change, and they would not do it free. She said I'd be billed for it but did stress how expensive it'd be, no price given, and that was why they are careful who they give those keys too. I did say it was stolen, but she just said contact repairs, see what they say. Well they won't care- they only handle repairs! I'm guessing from her response the price is in the high hundreds, perhaps thousands? If I had that money, I'd bloody move, not change the door!!

*Deep sigh* Right. I went to bed around ten last night and got up early for my class. Around half 11 a text was sent to me. From mum:

'MY NAME im really upset I cant sleep and am crying everynight and missing WIGLET so much, I just cant believe youd accuse me of harassment your own mum? and phone the police cuz we came round forgods sake what have I done?? it was bad enough when you attacked me with an oar and now this! you must really hate me to be this cruel im soo upset I don't know what to say poor WIGLET I love him soo much and have been in his life from the start do you really want him to have no contact with us?? what about his presents? I don't even understand is someone filling your head with stuff? if you don't want us in your life then that's your choice but WIGLET deserves to know his family plz txt back x'

With the oar bit, that's the day she took him and I was in garden. I mentioned it somewhere.

Refuse to text back.

Two possibilities

1. Write to her yourself (instead of using a lawyer)
2. Ask CAB or a lawyer to write to her.

"Further to the letter regarding harassment, you continue to attempt to contact me.

Please return the front door key that you have to the building as you have now used this twice despite my request that you keep away.

Wiglet is fine and settled; he does not need contact with you at this time.

Given your previous attempt to abduct him (as known to the police), it is not sensible for him to have any further contact with you.

My best wishes to sister, nephew and nanna."

You need to get over the Christmas period and expect another meltdown near his birthday.

LannieDuck

I haven't commented on this thread for a while (although I'm following all the way) because I have a different opinion on it to everyone else... and since I have no direct experience of this type of situation, I thought it best to leave the advice to those who do.

But I'm still really concerned that your family don't know what it is that they've done wrong. You've effectively cut off your family in order to save your sanity.... which is fine and you're totally allowed to do that. But it does mean that Mum and sister are going to carry on thinking you're the unreasonable one and the unstable one, and that they've done nothing wrong, and you're being unfair to wiglet in stopping him from playing with his cousin etc etc. And they're never going to change to become more reasonable people. Because they don't realise that that's what you want them to do.

My personal approach to this would be to find a way to have a limited, calm dialogue with your Mum (not saying that'll be easy - maybe a letter?) where you lay out very plainly the events that have precipitated this from your perspective. Then you can explain what you want in the future, e.g. no contact / much reduced contact / supervised meetings with wiglet only / whatever. They'd refute it all of course, but that doesn't matter - you just continue as you have been, but at least they know what you expect to happen before the relationship can be cordial again.

I do acknowledge that opening up a dialogue with your family will probably upset you... although they're doing that now anyway, and it's only going to get worse in the run-up to xmas. From your Mum's POV, she's had a very close relationship with her grandson since he was born, and you've suddenly stopped that. She's missed two months of his growing up, having him at the Halloween party, grandma's birthday, and now all the fun of the run-up to xmas.

You've proven you're strong enough to do this on your own. I don't think you should ever go back to being as dependent on your family as you were, but I do think it would be a shame not to try and find a way that you can still have some contact. Or you can, of course, continue as you have been and actually do it on your own from here on out. That's your prerogative.

I'm not suggesting that what I would do is necessarily right for you. I'm sure there are many on here who won't think it is

thorsoak

Wiggy woo - you don't have to read this - PaulineB said (on previous page) :-

Theres an app called SMS blocker that will block texts.

So let's look at what she's written :-

im really upset I cant sleep and am crying everynight and missing WIGLET so much
So when you couldn't sleep at night with PND, was she helpful/supportive?

... I just cant believe youd accuse me of harassment your own mum? and phone the police cuz we came round forgods sake what have I done??

Hello - who tried to snatch Wiglet/lock you out of your own home/split Wiglet from his father?

... it was bad enough when you attacked me with an oar and now this! you must really hate me to be this cruel
And just who taught me to be so cruel?

.... im soo upset I don't know what to say poor WIGLET I love him soo much and have been in his life from the start
Oh yes - to the extent that you wanted me out of his life

.....do you really want him to have no contact with us??
YES!!

......what about his presents? I don't even understand is someone filling your head with stuff?
No, I'm learning to stand on my own two feet

..... if you don't want us in your life then that's your choice but WIGLET deserves to know his family plz txt back x'
Yes - Wiglet is getting to know his family - he's getting to know his father!

---

Seriously though - don't respond, don't get suckered back in to her web - because if you do, you'll take longer to get out.

You're not the fragile creature that you were when Wiglet was born - you are becoming a strong woman (and maybe you do have your mother to thank for donating some genes to you) .

I've advised you before to contact Womens Aid, as have others ....do try and contact them - they may be able to counsel you. Good luck!

LannieDuck

RAS wrote: »

Refuse to text back.

Two possibilities

1. Write to her yourself (instead of using a lawyer)
2. Ask CAB or a lawyer to write to her.

"Further to the letter regarding harassment, you continue to attempt to contact me.

Please return the front door key that you have to the building as you have now used this twice despite my request that you keep away.

Wiglet is fine and settled; he does not need contact with you at this time.

Given your previous attempt to abduct him (as known to the police), it is not sensible for him to have any further contact with you.

My best wishes to sister, nephew and nanna."

You need to get over the Christmas period and expect another meltdown near his birthday.

Further to my earlier post, I rather like this phrasing. If you don't want to contact your family directly, this would be a good way of letting them know the reasons underlying this whole problem.

Mojisola

LannieDuck wrote: »

But I'm still really concerned that your family don't know what it is that they've done wrong.

Just because someone says they don't know what they've done wrong doesn't mean that they really don't.

LannieDuck

Mojisola wrote: »

Just because someone says they don't know what they've done wrong doesn't mean that they really don't.

They ought to know what they've done, but I suspect a certain lack of self-awareness in Wiggy's mother. I can easily imagine that she's having a bit of a martyr moment at present - "why is Wiggy doing this to me, it's completely irrational, wiglet's going to be missing us so much" etc

Mojisola

LannieDuck wrote: »

They ought to know what they've done, but I suspect a certain lack of self-awareness in Wiggy's mother. I can easily imagine that she's having a bit of a martyr moment at present - "why is Wiggy doing this to me, it's completely irrational, wiglet's going to be missing us so much" etc

And it can also be a ploy to getting Wiggy communicating with them again.

If she stays free of them for a while and builds up her emotional strength and self-confidence, the time may come when she will be able to objectively list just what was wrong about her mother's behaviour but Wiggy and Wiglet's well-being is more important than her mother's at the moment.