Family cut themselves out of my son's life

meritaten

I think its fine to stay in the next room - you are near but they still have time 'together'. besides which - he is a 'stranger' to Wiglet! you cant start warning him of stranger danger and then leave him entirely alone with one! kids pick up on things like that!
I didn't mean you to take anything I said as criticism. I hope you realise I have your well-being and Wiglets close to my heart! its exactly what I would say to my own DD!
let the past be past Wiggy, this is your and Wiglets future now! if you don't want Wiglet to see his other grandparents yet - that's fine. he really needs to know and trust his dad first! and that isn't going to happen overnight is it? in a few months time perhaps he could meet them for a short visit.............then see how things go?

jellyhead

I typed a long reply but then lost it - it's probably just as well

I completely understand why you are angry about the past. I had a baby while at uni and it felt like pretty much everyone thought I should have a termination. I felt fiercely protective of the baby and it took a year or two before I stopped feeling angry at those people and became friends with them again, seeing that it was my situation and what they would do in my shoes that they were talking about, and not my actual gorgeous little boy.

Of course it's harder when the person who helped to create that baby is saying you should terminate, but he was a scared teenager, and although it's sexist to say so I think that boys generally mature later than girls.

Perhaps he has changed now? He made contact soon after you asked him to, so that's a good sign. I think your playing with them and then going into the next room is absolutely perfect. Well done I like the suggestions about going to the park together.

People saying to let go of the past are on your side, truly. Yes, his lack of involvement was hurtful and puts him in a bad light but he was so young (and I know you were too!) and he may be different now. My mum was brilliant at 16 but my dad was rubbish, and still is. Partly it's personality, but partly it's that a lot of teenagers are idiots. Fingers crossed for you all

GobbledyGook

No-one is saying that it's going to be easy Wiggy.

I found it incredibly hard when my ex and I split with regards to my eldest daughter. He seen them as and when he saw fit at that point. He basically tore out lives apart, abandoned us and yet to DD1 he was the bees knees because "Daddy takes me horse riding and Mummy just yells at me to put my washing in the basket."

A couple of years on and she's currently not talking to him because he ate the last nectarine and I'm the bees knees because I managed to repair her favourite school bag.

Children are fickle creatures. One minute you'll find Wiglet will want Dad and only Dad, but as soon as he's poorly or tired (or the wind changes direction!) then only Mummy will do.

My brother and I were the same as children. We used to tell our grandparents that we wanted our Mum because she'd let us watch endless tv, or very occasionally our Dad because he'd let us play in our rooms for hours. Of course by the time we were an age to understand we realised that whilst our grandparents were about rules, manners and homework they were also about safety, security and a love that allowed us to test the boundaries because it was unbreakable.

So there will be times where Wiglet's Dad is his hero, and in time you'll be ok with that because that will mean YOU have done a good job in giving Wiglet a secure and stable base that allows him the opportunity and freedom to build relationships with other people safe in the knowledge that he's got you there keeping him safe and always there for him.

It's understandable that the past is going to irk you. Just like it might irk Wiglet's Dad that your Mum was able to do so much damage to you all. The only reason people are saying to let go is because you've done amazingly well. You've got a fresh start now for you and Wiglet, and Dad now has the chance for a fresh start too. He'll never replace you to or for Wiglet, but given a chance he might be, whilst not perfect, a decent Dad now he's also had a time to mature a bit.

meritaten

my oldest grandson has an 'estranged' dad. the relationship isn't the best. when DD and him first split up he was a right 'arrishole'. she couldn't get any money out of him CSA was forever trying to chase him from one job to another. in any case they came to their own arrangement. GS was about 7. then he met 'someone' and they seemed to settle down. GS went for sleepovers every other weekend for a few years. then they had a baby - and suddenly GS was not asked to stay or made welcome. GS loves his half brother, but his time with him was very limited - it was rare that it was 'convenient' for him to visit.
its a bluddy shame cos that partnership has now broken up. GS refuses to see his father no matter how much he begs. and at 15 he has the last word. he also hasn't seen his half brother for a year now. his stepmother doesn't acknowledge him. that is hurtful to him as she was always 'nice' to him. and he liked her.
I would like to bang his dads and stepmothers heads together! they have hurt this boy!
this is why I would say to wiggy - develop a relationship right now - he wants to be a dad (which is more than GSs dad did), forget the past, but concentrate on the future and building a loving relationship with Wiglet and his father.

MrsAtobe

Hi Wiggy, I don't think I've commented before on your thread, but I have been following it and silently cheering you on from the sidelines!

My parents divorced when I was seven, and then my father (can't refer to him as anything else) disappeared off to Saudi Arabia to work. I won't go into details, but the divorce and aftermath were pretty acrimonious, to say the least. I hope I can put across my feelings on your situation in a constructive way. You say that you don't have a role model for what a father should be from your own father, and I completely understand your trepidation about letting Wiglet's father back into his life. What I would say, based on my own experience is that any doubt you have will be obvious, f not now, but definitely later on to Wiglet. Please try to let the pair of them create their own relationship. It may not be the 'John Lewis Christmas advert happy family' type of relationship or whatever that you think most children have with their fathers, but Wig let's father is the only one he has, and as long as the relationship is supportive and loving, them that's all that matters, surely?

I hope you can grasp what I'm trying to put across to you, I'm not sure I've done it well and I really hope I haven't offended you. I wish you and Wiglet all the very best.

duchy

Lots of good viewpoints
I suspect seeing Wiglet's Dad probably reminded you of difficult times-dealing with your pregnancy- dealing with him dealing with it. Probably raked up some old anger -especially the mentioning of a termination-but you know there are thousands of couples who have talked around all options when they have got pregnant especially in young pregnancy situations and when the child is there and real wonder how on earth they could have considered it even for a split second. I really wouldn't hold onto it if he only mentioned it once . Men don't have all the hormones of pregnancy so for a scared teenage lad thinking you might lose your uni place -isn't surprising - especially as he would have been thinking of it a "a pregnancy" and not "our baby" at that point.

Mostpeople look back once a child is a "real person" they've got to know and wonder how they could have even considered it for a split second -so don't hold onto any of those negative thoughts about what was a scary time all around . Look forward-You're not the person you were back then....and odds are neither is he. He jumped at the chance of seeing Wiglet-No "I'll have to think about it" or "I'm busy - maybe in a few weeks". He just said yes and then made the effort to PLAY with him. I don't think you realize that lots of estranged Dads wouldn't react so positively. No-one is saying he's perfect-he's not going to get everything right -He's human and he's new to this Dad lark but he's making an effort.
It's not the easist for you either -finding the balance of being Mum, letting him in enough to be a Dad and forging enough of a friendship to make visits possible -when you have a history of bad times as well as good . You're both going to make mistakes-it's new territory for you both -but if you can remember that and not expect perfection and remember there are no rules in this situation...you work out between you what works for you two and Wiglet you'll be fine.

You'll find other people will have opinions -ranging from "How could you let him near Wiglet" to "You must let him be able to see him anytime regardless of anything else" Frankly it's none of their business it is what you and Wiglet's Dad decide between you works for the two of you and Wiglet. Just find a happy balance . You are the parent Wiglet lives with so you make the final decisions but having an involved Dad is a positive -for you and Wiglet . I think 2014 is going to be a really good year for you all.

You probably needed to break free of your Mum before he could be a Dad to Wiglet (you've seen how your sister's boyfriend is treated). It's all good Wiggy-forgive the past (which you can't change) and focus on the future which has so many good things ahead.

grandma247

My dd split with her baby's Dad before he was born and he even told her he did not think it was his. That would have been the end for me there and then but she persevered through court hearings and eventually agreed the father could have some contact.

I volunteered my home and time for those initial visits and would collect baby to take him to my home. Dad would arrive and the first visit I just hovered a little to make sure he could feed baby etc. I just kept going to do little jobs like the washing up and making daddy's lunch.

After that I left them to it apart from getting anything dad might need when he called me.

After a few months and another court visit to see what happened next daddy came to ours to pick up baby for the weekend. At this stage the relationship with daddy and DD was still acrimonious so it was best they had little contact.

Move on a few years and the lad now has a good relationship with his dad and often stays with him in the week as well as every other weekend.

What is even better is DD has a good relationship with him. He provides whatever the lad needs in the way of clothing and money if needed for something unexpected at school etc and has taken him on holiday for the first time. DD does not get child support for him but she says all these other things are far more valuable to her.

All of this has taken a long time as the lad is now nearly 12. Perseverance is the key. I take my hat off to DD because she knew all along that he would be a good dad, it just took a while for him to grow up. I could never have been as persistant as she was.

In the middle of all this DD got married and had two more kids then split with their father due to him drinking more and more. DD wanted their dad to have contact but she had to get tough through her solicitor to make it happen as he did not want to know. Her solicitor could not believe it as most of the men she dealt with were desperate for contact. They all now have contact and although it is not perfect the children are happy they see their dad.

Just stay strong, things will look very different in a few years.

wiggywoo9

Great advice, thank you all so much

Okay, well, now there's a rumble on the other side. I had a late nap with wiglet which was til 8 last night as he refused to go down earlier. About half an hour after, got a text from my sister, her actual number saying 'I've left more stuff outside ur door. Are u going to bring him round for his presents?'

I was going to go straight down to make dinner but decided to get hovering out the way, which was lucky as i'd have come face to face with them or her through my kitchen window. No buzz up, they/her had just walked into the block and dumped it on my doorstep. It was old figures that I thought had been chucked ages ago and certainly didn't need or ask for, plus some old clothes of wiglet's. There was also 3 of my baby pictures in frames and old post from the old house. Which means she's been back to the house and got them from the neighbour, and the pictures just feel like she's getting rid of me from the house. She did a similar thing when she made us homeless in Jan. It's unnerving that they keep coming up unannounced, its not like they're urgent or I even asked for them! And as for the Christmas presents, I don't know. I am just sending theirs in a box through post (found great price on here!) but there's only presents for sisters, nephew and nan, nothing for mum. No point. I bought her a tablet last year which cost me a fortune- it was left in a cupboard and ignored. And she doesn't deserve anything anyway!

I got a card yesterday from my nan, saying thanks for the birthday flowers and things I had sent to her and hoping to see us soon. Aww, made me miss her, I do love my nan! Glad she got the things and didn't think I'd forgotten

unicorn1984

Hi Wiggy
I have been reading from the start and have to say I have been hoping that you would come out the other side victorious! You have done so well, you should be immensely proud of yourself. Reading through everything you have done and the way you have handled it all, it’s amazing to think you are still only 21! You are an absolute inspiration to your little boy and can walk with your head held high. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for!
I still cannot believe the way your family and that woman (I am sorry to be so disrespectful but she doesn’t deserve the title of Mother or Mum) have behaved, it is beyond belief that the one person who should put you and your child at the centre of her universe would behave in such a horrendous way. I am a Mother of a 2 year old boy also, and he is my world, I would use my dying breath to protect him, as would my own Mum who adores him. When I read about how they chased you down and snatched him from your arms, like a pack of wild animals, my heart was pounding and my palms were sweating, I couldn’t help but put myself in that situation. You handled it admirably, how they tore him from your arms and dangled him crying in front of you through a glass door whilst laughing at you was sickening, that woman was lucky to escape that situation with just a few scratches! If I had been in that situation I would have ripped her throat out!
Then to hold you hostage in your own home, hammering on the door knowing full well Wiglet was there and would be frightened, and carrying on like a mad woman in front of her other Grandchild is disgusting. She may very well have mental health issues, but that does not excuse her. She is a control freak and lost her cool amazingly when she felt that grip on you slipping away. No one has ever stood up to her bullying ways and now you have you may find your sister has the courage to do the same eventually. A child’s place is with their Mother, if she honestly had worries about your mental health, she should have tried to help, not threaten to abduct your child!
Regarding the Dad situation, I can see from both sides. My own Dad is a complete waste of space and cares more about himself than anyone else. Him and my Mum split when I was very young, he was a serial cheat and had a string of girlfriends; he walked out on my Mum when she was 8 months pregnant with my brother, just days before they were due to get married and slept with his 19 year old physio! We stayed at my Nan’s every weekend to see him but he was never there, preferring to go out with mates that spend time with his own kids. The only times I recall him being there are when him and my Nan would sit and badmouth my Mum, which is horrific to hear when you are a small child! He then met and married a wonderful woman and moved 200 miles away, we saw him maybe 3 times a year and I hated it, he eventually became so unbearable to live with that she left him, he cheated on her too. He moved back and put zero effort into seeing us again. He met another lovely woman whom he married, he is still with her and I have a lot of time for her. It irks me that he puts so much time and effort into seeing her daughter and 2 Grandchildren, yet he has only seen my son about 5 times since he was born in September 2011! When he does see him, he is ratty with him, sits texting and leaves after barely an hour. When I go to my Mums and my little boy sees my Stepdad he shouts “Dan Dan” (Granddad lol) and runs to him. When my Dad is there, my son hides behind me and won’t go near him. My Mum told me that when my brother was small he was terrified of my Dad because he used to shout at him all the time. I don’t want anyone like that having lots of contact with my baby, flitting in and out when they please, which is why I never put any effort in. In fact, I stopped speaking to him for 2 years and only started speaking to him again to stop from upsetting my Nan. If it weren’t for her, I would have never spoken to him again, and he would never have even met my son, but that is another story why that happened! My Stepdad is Granddad to my son; he doesn’t need a part time Granddad who can’t be arsed to ring to see how he is. My Mum calls me every single night to see how he is! So I completely understand your fears in regards to Wiglets Daddy, but trust me, the early signs are good! He came when you asked and interacted with Wiglet, also offering to help financially.
My little ones Dad isn’t fantastic, for 18 months he said he wanted me to get pregnant, even saying after a year that there must be something wrong with me because I wasn’t pregnant yet..... 3 months into my pregnancy he started going out 4/5/6 times a week, sometimes not coming home. He would apologise, promise to change and the whole thing would start again a week later. I walked out when I was 8 months pregnant and he begged me to come back and things would change. It lasted til little one was 2 weeks old and then got steadily worse to the point where he would say “there is no point arguing, if you don’t like it you can f@@cking leave”.... then when his 1st birthday came around and his Dad didn’t want to spend the day with us and suggested we went to stay at my Mums, that was the big turning point for me. 2 weeks later, we left. I had been telling him for over 2 years I wasn’t happy and he wasn’t being fair to our child by shutting him out and not making effort to spend time with him. He made a huge song and dance about how he wouldn’t let me “take his son from him” but I only moved 2 minutes up the road, I didn’t want to move miles away as I still wanted them to be close and spend time together.
He makes more effort now, but still has a way to go. He never knew his Dad, and was spoilt by his Nan who raised him (his Mum is a waste of space) so I think he just doesn’t know how to put anyone first before himself and has never had a Dad type in his life. His family is pretty messed up.... He is INCREDIBLY lazy, and he will always choose the easiest option every time. My Mum says it’s because he is young and was waited on hand and foot by his Nan, but he is 27, it’s not that young! We used to split weekends, so I would have little one say Friday night and Saturday day, he would collect him and have him Saturday night til Sunday tea time. Then he moved back to his Mums and refused to drive 40 minutes to spend 1 day with him every week, so for 3 months he only saw him 1 night every fortnight. Now he has moved in with his girlfriend 20 minutes away and decided it was better for HIM if we both had him for 1 weekend each, alternately. I hate it because I drop him at nursery at 8am Friday morning and don’t see him til 3pm Sunday  but that’s how it is. However, he STILL makes plans on the weekends he has our son, I am very flexible when need be, and I am happy to swap nights sometimes, but when he texts me, not having seen his son for almost a fortnight and says “I may be out Friday night so I will pick him up Saturday instead”... no “would it be ok if I did this” he just plans his life and expects the rest of us to just neatly fall into place. He is great with our son, but he really needs to get into the mindset that the moment our son was born, HE became the most important person in the world, and he needs to start planning his social life around the weekends he has our boy. Not only is it disrespectful to me, but when our son is older, and he is excitedly looking forward to Daddy picking him up from school on Friday to spend the weekend with him, I do NOT want to be the one to see his little face crumple when I say “Daddy cant pick you up tonight because he has made plans to go out with his friends”.....
The early signs with Wiglets Daddy are very positive! You have built up very strong defences to protect both yourself and your little boy, and no one can blame you, you have HAD to do this to feel safe. Just remember, that he will have done this too. He was driven away by “that woman” who had an iron grip over you, and he will be on guard expecting to get close to his son, only to be driven away again. He will be thinking like this for a while, and who can blame him? You, rightly so, are fiercely protective of your son, and you always will be, but in time you will be able to let the right people in.
At the end of the day, if he turns out to be a waste of space, you can walk away knowing you gave him a decent chance and he blew it. You will never have to look back over your shoulder and think “what if”, and you and your little boy can move on and continue knowing you gave it your best. YOU will have no regrets, and in the years to come when Wiglet asks about his Daddy you can answer him honestly and tell him you tried. Then of course he could grow, and learn to be a Daddy and be another positive factor in Wiglets life, and you have done that. YOU contacted him. YOU gave him that chance and YOU will be the reason your son has a loving Mummy and Daddy. You definitely need to give yourself more praise, you are doing such a fantastic job, you should be proud of what you have achieved, I admire you immensely, and the fact it took me almost a full day at work to read this thread, there are a lot of people who admire you too! Well done. Wiglet is a very, VERY lucky little boy! (apologies for the massive long essay!!) xx

As for them turning up, definately speak to your Landlord and say they stole the key for the main door, and keep turning up in the building, that you have spoken to the police and they have been warned to stay away but continue to turn up. The landlord should change it no problem! xx

duchy

I'm assuming your Mum is the only one who drives Wiggy ? So any attempt to see your sister or Nan she'll be their driver ?

If that is the case I'd text your sister back saying something like "The way things are presently it's probably better to post any presents you have for Wiglet. We're pretty busy at the moment & looking forward to Christmas.Hope you have a great time too Love Wiggy x"

No apology or explanation - Just a straightforward response with a solution. I know you care about your sister and your nephew but she appears to be your Mum's pawn- Ringing on her phone , going to your house with stuff ..... I think you need to be very cautious.

You could always keep in touch with your Nan by letter. A card with a little note and the latest photos of Wiglet. Just avoid any reference to your Mum and the situation-there's lots to say about Wiglet and your work ...maybe not mention his Dad is back on the scene until things are more established though.

And for goodness sake contact the housing association - explain a family member took the key from your bag and has already been warned about harassing you and ask if the lock can be changed.