Family cut themselves out of my son's life

Dimey

I agree too - give the dad time to adjust.

Of course you'd have expected him to have dressed nicely for his first visit. But this just goes to show that people have different values and different upbringing. Be proud that you know how one should behave but accept that the dad doesn't or doesn't care. Thankfully you'll be able to teach little Wiglet the right way and he'll get by in society a whole lot better as he grows up.

At least the dad did turn up.
What does it matter which day over Christmas that the dad sees Wiglet? Boxing day sounds quite nice and keeps Christmas day special for just the two of you.

I like Dave's idea of contact being like you'd expect from an Uncle. I would have thought you'd want to keep a little distance between you so you stay in control clearly as the primary parent. Then you can also see whether the dad will visit regularly at whatever intervals through his own volition. See the cut of the man.

Personally I'd not push for any more contact than the dad is happy with, if I felt the dad was a bad or poor influence. I don't like swearing in front of children. I don't buy into allowing swearing or unwise behaviours just because the dad knows no better. Wiglet deserves the best you can both give him and that includes making an effort to curb foul language and harmful or dubious morals.

Sorry if I sound old fashioned. Its just that, to my mind, good influences at an early age will pay off later in life when Wiglet comes to earn a living for himself. Articulate good manners will get him a long way with people as will the right attitude to a healthy lifestyle and the ambition to control his own destiny. Just like you are doing Wiggy.

Don't rile yourself over the dad not appearing to love Wiglet as much as you do. Just accept it. OK the love may grow in time as they get to know each other. But don't expect what may not be there. Wiglet will get his love and confidence from you. That's what you can control. Leave the dad to work out his relationship with Wiglet, where ever that might lead. You just focus on maintaining that safe secure loving home for Wiglet so he knows he has that irrespective of his relationship with his dad.

wiggywoo9

Thank you for your advice! Yes perhaps I'm expecting too much. You've got to remember I don't have a clue what a dad does. I didn't have one really. Even saying 'daddy' makes me feel a little sick in my mouth. So I'm kind-of going about from what I've seen or heard of others, which is tricky. The uncle idea is great, I'll leave it and step back a bit. I think sometimes I just want to mould a perfect dad from scratch for wiglet as I can see faults everywhere!

Ah well, I'll grit my teeth. I just don't want it to come to a point whereas its lovely magnificent daddy, the role model and hero, who is actually a dosser and encourages bad things. I don't want wiglet to forget I raised him by myself, I've built who he is today, if you know what I mean? Sounds terribly egotistical but to be honest, its only fair!

meritaten

wiggy - YOU have the benefit of being 'bonded' to wiglet. YOU have spent time with him - YOU are his mum!
I may get flamed for this but - I don't think Dads bond with their children the same way mums do. and considering your past history - he hasn't really had the chance to has he? I think Dads need to have BEEN there and done the nappy changing and the early feeds and the teething, and the playing and the first smiles etc. he has missed most of that!
to my mind - he is willing to try - and yes he will make mistakes! as long as they are minor ones then give him credit for trying!
he isn't Wiglets uncle - he is his 'father' who is trying to become his 'dad'. it isn't easy for an estranged father to establish a close loving relationship.
You say yourself you have no idea what a dad is - then both of you need to learn this together and form what both of you think is the best relationship for Wiglet - and it isn't going to happen overnight!
Patience hun, and don't expect perfection from him! while at the same time establishing rules and boundaries (like not swearing).
I am sure you will get there! in time.

HPoirot

It couldn't be any more normal at this stage for you to be feeling as fiercely protective of Wiglet as you are now Wiggy. Look what you have gone through merely days ago just to keep him safe by your side.

In time when the dust settles, when Wiglet starts developing his own personality, and when you will be sure that you are well rid of Wiglet-snatchers, you will start to relax.

In the meantime it is a lovely thing to have his dad involved again. I guess your ex has not had much to do with little people and probably doesn't know what's the right or wrong thing to do either, hence the swearing etc. If you are both taking it at a slow pace, each in your own time, to adjust to it all, it can only be the best for Wiglet's development.

I think it is great that Wiglet's dad came as soon as he heard from you, plus the fact that he agreed to get him stuff as soon as you asked. Take it from there, one step at a time, let him "grow" into being a dad. And try not to worry, he seems committed enough to Wiglet, but I am sure as far as Wiglet is concerned, you are his mummy and mummy is who you always turn to for everything!

Dimey

Yes I know exactly what you mean Wiggy. I'd feel the same if I were in your place.

To my mind, a daddy is exactly the same as a mummy. Its a shame you didn't get to experience that.

Wiglet won't get to experience that either as daddy wont be living with you on a daily basis. But lets hope that the dad eventually steps up to do as good a job as is humanly possible.

Wiglet won't forget you are the person who raised him. It will be embedded in his memory. You are right to protect him from anyone who exposes him to bad behaviour let alone encourages it.

You're doing a great job Wiggy.

Stephb1986_2

Wow Wiggy you have come on leaps and bounds! I remember your original thread and always wondered how you got on. I'm so proud of you and you should be proud of yourself.

Give your little one a big cuddle for me

To be fair I've not had many kids around me, I have a niece that is coming up to 9 but not had much contact with her so I don't know how to "play" with kids IYGWIM. So give your ex a chance it will take some getting use to for him.

I hope things are on the up for you now. Keep looking forward never look back.

Steph xx

duchy

Whoa
Calm down Wiggy .....He doesn't have to be magnificent or a dosser . He can just be a bloke who fathered a child when he was young , continued to pay child support even when he was told he couldn't see his son and as soon as he was offered the chance to see him jumped at the chance. A lot of single Mums would give their eye teeth to have their kid's father do even ONE of those things !

As for going to court for access. He was probably afraid that if he did (and remember he'd be taking your mad mother on if he did) and lost -he'd never see him (and remember at that point you were accepting everything your Mum said about him too)

You once cared about him enough to produce Wiglet between you -Stop looking for negatives and making demands . Focus on his good points and the positives he can bring to Wiglet's life and rebuild a friendship with him. He could be the person you get to share some of Wiglet's moments with -the person who is as excited as you when Wiglet writes his name for the first time .....or who teaches him to play football..... or "helps" Wiglet buy you a Mother's day card. Someone to enjoy Wiglet with . Just because you aren't together doesn't mean you can't have a friendship bonded by your little man. Don't be like your Mum scared to share Wiglet's love-kids have huge hearts -they have unlimited love to give-it isn't an amount that needs to be shared out between a certain number of people. Let them gently build a relationship -don't force the pace and feel he "should" do anything in particular -just appreciate what he is doing for now-and see how it develops.

So much has changed for you in the last twelve months .....and the next twelve have so much potential -just enjoy what is going well. Live in the moment a bit and enjoy it ! Problems , if they come, can be dealt with when and if they arrive. No point about worrying about things that may never happen. Don't let your Mum's legacy to you to be always looking for the bad in people -allow yourself to trust a little and dwell on the positives- you have many blessings-enjoy them !

harrys_nan

wiggy,duchy has written such a lot of sense she has said exactly the words I would have said but so much better. Take it all on board.
Just have fun with wiglet and hopefully a relationship with his dad will be a good one.
take care x

Angry_Bear

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

I just don't want it to come to a point whereas its lovely magnificent daddy, the role model and hero, ....

I've struggled with how to phrase this, so please bear with me.

I think this is a very real possibility that you have to live with. I suspect there is a bit of rivalry between most parents, but when they don't both live with the chile it gets a little more complicated. There may well come a time where Wiglet's dad picks him up at the weekend and takes hime out for the day, buying him things and doing "fun stuff". Meanwhile you are doing all the day to day thankless tasks.

In a young kid's eyes that may well make daddy the hero - kids don't always see things as they are. When Wiglet grows up he'll know just how much you've done for him.

Meanwhile, you have to be careful that you don't let a little healthy rivalry make you bitter and lead to bad-mouthing his dad to try to even the score. Not that I think that's the kind of person you are, but it happens.

I think you have a perfect image of how you'd like things to go, which is perfectly natural, but you might have to work a bit on just being happy with things as they are .

Oh, and you're doing great so far :T

tatabubbly

Sorry Wiggy, I know life has been tough but you have to give dad a chance. TBH with your mum, I'd say the fella is scared out of his mind that if he looks the wrong way that there will be no more access.

I'm a believer in co-parenting. Think of things in the long run, this is someone who you will know for the rest of your life and hopefully after time, your little one will have a deep bond with.

My parents are divorced and it does erk me sometimes when my mum says 'I raised you all by myself' and forgets the little things my dad has done for me. Might not be a lot, but in my eyes they still count.

Anyhoo, best of luck, couldn't read and run!