Family cut themselves out of my son's life

wiggywoo9

Hi me and wiglet are great, feeling happy cos I've made friends! (I know I sound a bit sad ) My neighbour get on well, that's going fab, and this lady at my TA class is great too, good chats with both, which felt weird after bottling much of everything up for so so long!

Had a work-focused interview thing as I'm on IS today- lady was very happy with my progress, actually congratulated me on how much effort I'm putting into getting into teaching or job. Buzzing cos of that! My boy is better too and I'm back at the school next week, so fingers crossed tings go well as I am being assessed by my TA class teacher.

On the other side, my ex is coming tomorrow, so I'm in a tiz about that. Worried I'll detach totally like a robot or not and be weirdly positive. I'm anxious for us to get on but I am very, very worried I'll be treated as an add-on to my son, like oh, yeah, your mum but so what? Ha, don't know, I'm so close to my little boy, I just want people to recognise I'm not just the-womb-he-departed-from and the sole loving person in his life!

But hey ho, everything else is ok. Nothing from family again. All quiet on that front, thank goodness!

Dimey

Good luck with the Ex visiting. (May have missed the visit but...)

I suggest you kind of act your way through the first visit. Behave as you would in work or like you did when you spoke to the police. Be in Mum mode - friendly and in control.

Let him see you are ignoring the past and you are a confident caring Mum who wants her child to have access to his dad. Don't get emotional and try to avoid talking over old hurts. Try to avoid talking detail about your family. Just say you have legal advice and are keeping away for your and Wiglets health. No need for details.

Don't give any reason for the Ex to worry or inadvertently spread bad gossip to your old friends or family. You want him to go away feeling you are doing a great job and positive for the future.

Wiglet will be happy as Larry.

wiggywoo9

Hi

Just an update. Still nothing from family, been maybe a month now? We put up tree on Sun, great fun with wiglet. He's well again and as am I.

The ex came- but 30 minutes late. He'd been working before and showed up with dirty clothes from plastering. My tot was shy and scared but got confident after an hour or so, and they played cars for half an hour or so. After visiting for nearly 2 hours he announced he had to go. I spoke in private with him asking how he felt it went, and as suggested above, acted my way through the visit. He said it was fine, he said he got him a dinosaur for xmas and asked if he needed anything. I gave him a few items off the list I need to get before xmas, some clothes and said it'd be good if he got nappies each week, they're always needed. I think there's a guilt thing there or he's earning more than the CSA people know, as he missed xmases, birthdays, and only this year paid £5 a week in maintenance. I'll be honest and say I will be upfront about this, if my tot needs anything big soon, I'll ask him to get it. Only fair, I think!

Then we got to discussing future contact. I made it clear my son won't be stopping with him unless his home situation changes and not til he's bigger anyway around 5, as he still sleeps in my bed and would cry if it changed, especially with strangers. I said I don't mind him seeing grandparents but only after several months seeing him and only with me alongside. I said about my family situation and if they got in contact with him, to let me know. We then spoke about Christmas. I suggested he see my son around xmas eve or could visit him an hour or so xmas day. My reasoning was that it is a special day for him, with it still being magical, santa, he can open his gifts this year too, and being a dad is about sharing as many of those moments as possible. He said that boxing day would suit him a treat. This riled me, as it is NOT about him, it is about my tot, what suits him and what he needs. If my ex has no work, GF, or anything on Xmas day, which I know he doesn't and his family don't do anything for xmas, again from experience, they don't, I don't see how an hour makes any difference. He ended up getting defensive and saying, ok if you want then I'll see him then. This is one of the big things I dislike, the inability to stand up for himself which was in the past and the inability to think about things from my son's perspective! It always feels like he doesn't have anything to my son, its just something like yeah, I'll have that, but not fight for it. He never went to court to gain access. He has no love to my son, and doesn't know what to do with him. It's like a perk he gets but doesn't pay for it in the same way I do, with the tantrums etc., its all minimum part-time.

Sorry, this just really rattles me. I'm trying to step away, take deep breaths and leave it. When it concerns your own child though, it is difficult. I'm also worried about the morals he's bringing with him. I'm raising my son to be respectful, no swearing, all of the right things, but he tends to trudge in some bad stuff, like swearing occasionally or thinking its ok to do things.

I often wonder if it's best to be just me! Ugh!

liney

Just remember that Dad hasn't been around, so he probably really doesn't know what to do with him! He needs time to adjust too, and get used to being a proper Dad, not just in name only.

I'd quietly mention the swearing. My brother has no idea he's doing it as it is the just the way he speaks, but will make an effort when it's pointed out. Building sites are full of blokes effing and jeffing, he might not even know he's doing it.

It's great that you have got Dad involved, but there will be a period of adjustment for everyone.

PuzzledDave

Whilst he is Wiggy the youngers biological father, it sounds he is far from ready to be a dad. Wiglet certainly doesn't see him that way. Rather than try to push him into the role -- maybe let him try to fulfill the role of the distant uncle who visits occasionally and sends a gift at christmas/birthday.

Regarding swearing... you could make it a joke but making a swear jar and rattle it at him every time he does it. Should get the message without the need for confrontation that may lead to a storming off.

Mojisola

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Then we got to discussing future contact.

He ended up getting defensive and saying, ok if you want then I'll see him then.

This is one of the big things I dislike, the inability to stand up for himself which was in the past and the inability to think about things from my son's perspective! It always feels like he doesn't have anything to my son, its just something like yeah, I'll have that, but not fight for it. He never went to court to gain access. He has no love to my son, and doesn't know what to do with him. It's like a perk he gets but doesn't pay for it in the same way I do, with the tantrums etc., its all minimum part-time.

In the same way that you've had to come to terms with your mother not being the mother you would like, I think you've got to step back a bit from wanting Wiglet's Dad to be your vision of a Dad.

As liney and Dave say - don't expect too much too quickly. It would probably be easier for Wiglet if you can get the two of you really settled and comfortable in your own lives before trying to force his Dad into having regular contact. If you push too hard, his Dad might back away.

(I found it a bit ironic that you wouldn't accept his offer of seeing his son on Boxing Day, made him agree to Christmas Day and then complained that he has an "inability to stand up for himself". Would you have preferred that he stuck to his decision to see Wiglet on Boxing Day?)

HPoirot

As the others have said you seem to be wanting too much too soon, let the man get to know his son and maybe build confidence that you will not take it all away from him in a flash as per past experience. It is a great step that after all that happened he is still willing to do things with and for Wiglet. Don't push him, let him adjust at his own pace.

Caroline_a

Agree with the others, it takes time to be a dad, it isn't like being a mum where your body sort of makes the decision for you! However, it might be an idea for you to let him have his own way re Boxing Day/Christmas Day. He may be thinking that he might be a bit hung over from celebrating Christmas Eve, so might not be the best company for Wiglet. Also remember that Wiglet probably won't think 'Christmas Day, where's my dad?' My girls used to see their dads on Boxing Day as they wanted to spend Christmas Day at home without having to disappear off and leave their new toys! I know that Wiglet's dad will be seeing him at yours but you may find that you set a precedent that may be difficult for Wiglet to stop.

GobbledyGook

Sounds like you are doing great Wiggy well done.

Give wiglet's Dad a chance, he's probably as nervous as you are about the whole thing. Without being rotten he might also be holding back a little bit until he knows for sure that your Mum isn't going to reappear and stop his access again.You know how strong you are now and we know from hearing you speak, give him some time and he'll know. It took me a bit of time to be convinced that my then-ex wouldn't go back on his word to trust his mother.

meritaten

I agree with the others - maybe you are expecting a little too much? its great that he did come to see wiglet, he is speaking nicely to you and he PLAYED with him! that's a great start! he also asked if you needed anything ................to me it sounds like he wants to learn to be a dad to wiglet - but due to your unusual circumstances, you have to help him! he does NOT know what your idea of HIS role is! I would txt and say 'Thinking about it - Boxing day is ok if its better for you'.
That way Wiglet gets another 'special' day!