Family cut themselves out of my son's life

Dave101t

are your family foreign? alot of other cultures like to interfere when they see it as caring.

itsanne

I've followed this thread with both concern and delight but have not commented until now because so many people were giving such good advice that I had nothing to offer which was not already being said.

Now that things have moved on that really still applies. Duchy's post in particular says everything I would have wanted to but expressed far better. So why post now?

Wiggy, some of the advice now being given might feel more difficult to take because it is pushing you to change how you view things with Wiglet's father rather than accepting your outlook. You might feel a bit defensive because of the implied criticism. Please don't. Please take the advice being offered by the same people who have supported you throughout this thread. You wouldn't believe how much people care what happens to you and Wiglet.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Thank you for your advice! Yes perhaps I'm expecting too much. You've got to remember I don't have a clue what a dad does. I didn't have one really. Even saying 'daddy' makes me feel a little sick in my mouth. So I'm kind-of going about from what I've seen or heard of others, which is tricky. The uncle idea is great, I'll leave it and step back a bit. I think sometimes I just want to mould a perfect dad from scratch for wiglet as I can see faults everywhere!

Ah well, I'll grit my teeth. I just don't want it to come to a point whereas its lovely magnificent daddy, the role model and hero, who is actually a dosser and encourages bad things. I don't want wiglet to forget I raised him by myself, I've built who he is today, if you know what I mean? Sounds terribly egotistical but to be honest, its only fair!

Give the guy a chance. How would he know to deal with a little one when he hasn't been able to see him and build a relationship? - your mother chased him off before he could even get as far as seeing him being born.

Be very careful your natural protectiveness doesn't turn you into your mother - dictating to him he isn't allowed to do x, y and z, and you have to be there for him to take Wiglet to see his own grandparents, instead of trusting him to ensure he's safe and letting them form a relationship with him is dangerously close to sounding like your mother - does 'he's mine, not yours' ring any bells?

Going to court for contact at the time would have been expensive and pretty much pointless - he's have had to deal with you and your mother saying how useless he was, that he took drugs, etc - he wouldn't have stood a chance. After all, it is only recently that you've considered making a stand against your mother - how would a relative stranger to the family who had already experienced being excluded and chased away, and by your own admission, has problems asserting himself (rather like you, actually) manage the rigours of an application for a contact order? Your sister's boyfriend is still in the picture and even he wasn't allowed to put his name on the birth certificate by your mother - because it gives Joint Parental Responsibility and therefore some rights.

And bear in mind that he came straight from work to see Wiglet - firstly, that means he's working, so isn't a dosser. And he probably had a hell of a time getting away in the first place. Don't condemn him for that. He could have cancelled.




I've been on all sides of this sort of thing - being the kid without a dad because he'd been chased off, abuse from a parent, being harrassed/stalked, being excluded from a child's life and being the parent who has had to do everything. Now I'm seeing what it's like from the perspective of watching it happen to my Lovely Fella.


Wiglet deserves the chance to have his Dad in his life. He doesn't deserve your mother to succeed in depriving him of his Daddy forever - that's what she wanted for Wiglet.

And if that means he becomes a wonderful, exciting, happy presence in his son's life, then you're doing the most you can to put right the damage your mother has caused. Even if sometimes you feel that it would be nice to have him all to yourself, you would only be repeating your mother's acts if you end up pushing the bloke away.

Mojisola

Useful advice in the previous posts but just keep in mind, Wiggy, that no-one ever gets everything right first time so don't get upset by constructive criticism.

You're doing so well - take the advice on board and put into practice what seems right to you. There are loads of us out here cheering you on!

RAS

There is a quote somewhere about parents never getting to rehearse their role; every time is for real.

So be kind to both of you and remember that you will both mess up sometimes.

Just try to acknowledge it when it happens, let go and learn from the mistakes.

Mojisola wrote: »

Useful advice in the previous posts but just keep in mind, Wiggy, that no-one ever gets everything right first time so don't get upset by constructive criticism.

You're doing so well - take the advice on board and put into practice what seems right to you. There are loads of us out here cheering you on!

duchy

I think the point is that Wiggy has had her Mum and her controlling ways as a role model -so it is only to be expected that it is going to take time to find her own voice and style of parenting -she's doing fine.

wiggywoo9

Thanks again. I won't pretend I'm not irked by some comments. You weren't there back then. I split with him because he did nothing to prepare for our baby- job, housing list, nothing. I'd moved for uni and he wouldn't even visit me alone in a new city. My mum just pushed things til it fully broke, and he ended up splitting with me. And he wanted nothing to do with me or baby, through pregnancy even when I was only a street away and had actually passed me heavily pregnant struggling with things. I contacted him after, to get him to see baby. Nothing. He did not care. He did not buy anything for him. I actually forced him to see my newborn, my mum pushing him to meet him as he expressly said he did not want to see me in any way. And again he refused contact. CSA also came back saying they could give me nothing as he'd said he had no income.

Now I know FOR SURE that he works cash in hand doing jobs with his dad, who pay no tax or anything, all under radar whilst getting benefits, everything they can get. I lived in that house. I saw it. He couldn't get EMA way back cos his dad had no proof of earnings or could declare it without losing benefits. Yet with 'no income' he managed two holidays last year, Greece and somewhere else, plus one this year. Odd that! I have tried and TRIED to get that SOB to pay a bit to his son, whilst I was struggling, to get him to see a newborn baby and turn it away?? These things, plus others, many others, are why I have negatives. I've got through it. I have been through hell for this child. I feel so angry that this guy can just swan in and be Fireman Sam!!

Sorry, few tears there. It was real and painful, that's all i'm saying and he has not acted in any way good in the past. All these things he's doing now may sound good and proper, but what's behind that? A job built on lies, loose morals and thinking its going to be happy families with his sister, who reported me to SS saying wiglet had a black eye when he was a few months old, again a malicious lie, and the rest of them!



I'm really sorry, sound like such a horrible person! These are just things that have happened to me first hand and you can't blame me for feeling a bit angry about it. I'm giving it a shot. I'm saying things like no stopping over, etc., because wiglet is not going into that smoke-ridden hellhole of his, thinking its ok, and to see people who never before wanted to see him and wished us ill. Wiglet's dad once suggested he'd feel better if I 'got rid of it'. That was when I was only a few weeks pregnant and feeling very alone. I think it's only understandable to hold back a bit?

And I certainly don't want to turn into my mother! I don't know what to do there, I'm only acting like how think it should be. I don't even know that!

HPoirot

You are doing fine Wiggy, if you keep it to the visits only it will still be fine, Wiglet does not need to go there or meet the rest of them, for the time being. It is natural to hold back, he has only seen Wiglet just this once. Take it as you go along and you will be fine.

missprice

Gotta love ya wiggy, your doing your best and its a pretty good best to be fair.
He can't just walk in and be a dad though, it takes practice.
If you give him the chance he will one day "win" you over, and you will trust him to make the right decisions.
It may take a long time yet though, so have patience.

We all, each and every one of us make mistakes, and wish we had not done some things, wish we had handled things/situations better or even wish we had done things that needed doing.
Can't be helped and we only learn by doing stuff wrong, or not doing stuff at all and rest of life regrets.

harrys_nan

Oh wiggy, nobody wanted you to feel bad about things, people on here care very much for you and your son (even if we don't know you in real life)
The past is the past, let it go now or you will start to feel bitter, I know things have been tough for you but you have the future to look forward to. Please let wiglet's dad at least try to be a dad, let him get to know his son, you will be the bigger person here.
Your future is looking pdg don't let the past rule you, x