Family cut themselves out of my son's life

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Thanks again. I won't pretend I'm not irked by some comments. You weren't there back then. I split with him because he did nothing to prepare for our baby- job, housing list, nothing. I'd moved for uni and he wouldn't even visit me alone in a new city. My mum just pushed things til it fully broke, and he ended up splitting with me. And he wanted nothing to do with me or baby, through pregnancy even when I was only a street away and had actually passed me heavily pregnant struggling with things. I contacted him after, to get him to see baby. Nothing. He did not care. He did not buy anything for him. I actually forced him to see my newborn, my mum pushing him to meet him as he expressly said he did not want to see me in any way. And again he refused contact. CSA also came back saying they could give me nothing as he'd said he had no income.

Now I know FOR SURE that he works cash in hand doing jobs with his dad, who pay no tax or anything, all under radar whilst getting benefits, everything they can get. I lived in that house. I saw it. He couldn't get EMA way back cos his dad had no proof of earnings or could declare it without losing benefits. Yet with 'no income' he managed two holidays last year, Greece and somewhere else, plus one this year. Odd that! I have tried and TRIED to get that SOB to pay a bit to his son, whilst I was struggling, to get him to see a newborn baby and turn it away?? These things, plus others, many others, are why I have negatives. I've got through it. I have been through hell for this child. I feel so angry that this guy can just swan in and be Fireman Sam!!

Sorry, few tears there. It was real and painful, that's all i'm saying and he has not acted in any way good in the past. All these things he's doing now may sound good and proper, but what's behind that? A job built on lies, loose morals and thinking its going to be happy families with his sister, who reported me to SS saying wiglet had a black eye when he was a few months old, again a malicious lie, and the rest of them!



I'm really sorry, sound like such a horrible person! These are just things that have happened to me first hand and you can't blame me for feeling a bit angry about it. I'm giving it a shot. I'm saying things like no stopping over, etc., because wiglet is not going into that smoke-ridden hellhole of his, thinking its ok, and to see people who never before wanted to see him and wished us ill. Wiglet's dad once suggested he'd feel better if I 'got rid of it'. That was when I was only a few weeks pregnant and feeling very alone. I think it's only understandable to hold back a bit?

And I certainly don't want to turn into my mother! I don't know what to do there, I'm only acting like how think it should be. I don't even know that!

Course you don't know.

But isn't part of your mother's thing due to being extremely angry and not letting go of what she sees as hers?


Fact is, the guy is Wiglet's father. He may turn out to be rubbish at it - but he might end up doing the best he can. After all, he has his Dad in his life as an adult and they have an ongoing relationship.

Unless you heard every single conversation your mother had with him, there's no guarantee she actually tried to get him to come - she could just as easily have hissed 'go away and never come back' and other such choice phrases.


He came as soon as you contacted him. That counts for something.



It's perfectly understandable to be angry. We don't know absolutely everything - and to be blunt, there are an awful lot of people out there who would have said a termination may be a solution for a teenager who wanted to go to university and her boyfriend facing an unexpected pregnancy. Especially when she doesn't have a supportive family. Not to hurt anybody, but being realistic about how hard it is going to be.




Wiglet doesn't deserve a big Dad shaped hole in his life. And, as a mother, you don't have the right to cause that - no matter how much of a wotsit he has been (domestic violence notwithstanding). He's not abusive, he hasn't tried to take him off you, he hasn't threatened you with abduction, he's not been hammering on the door and screaming at you. Don't turn your anger about things into something that'll give your mother what she wants - which is you all alone and vulnerable.

Birdie85

Have a *hug* from me Wiggy. What you've been through is awful and you've done amazingly well to come out the other side as well as you have.

What seemed to jump out to me was that you seemed to be making too many plans and maybe expecting too much from him too soon. If he's proven himself to be unworthy in the past I wouldn't be pushing to organise a regular routine of contact so soon, more like see how it goes and think about it a little more in the Spring. It's a good sign that he's trying to make an effort now but that doesn't need to be a full-on Dad role straight away. And remember that he and Wiglet need time to form a relationship, absent fathers won't have the same pull to their children that mothers instinctively do, he likely has no idea how to connect with this little person so needs you to help with that.

It is important that Wiglet has his father in his life, but only if he's going to be a positive influence so if you do have worries over the coming months, don't worry about speaking up but try to give him a chance to prove himself. There must be a reason why his attitude has changed now. He was a scared teenager back then and he might just be growing up now and trying to take responsibility for once?

Oh and as for his Dad, if you know that he's defrauding the benefits system, I'd waste no time in calling in an anonymous tip to report it. I've got no time for benefit cheats.

itsanne

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Thanks again. I won't pretend I'm not irked by some comments. You weren't there back then. I split with him because he did nothing to prepare for our baby- job, housing list, nothing. I'd moved for uni and he wouldn't even visit me alone in a new city. My mum just pushed things til it fully broke, and he ended up splitting with me. And he wanted nothing to do with me or baby, through pregnancy even when I was only a street away and had actually passed me heavily pregnant struggling with things. I contacted him after, to get him to see baby. Nothing. He did not care. He did not buy anything for him. I actually forced him to see my newborn, my mum pushing him to meet him as he expressly said he did not want to see me in any way. And again he refused contact. CSA also came back saying they could give me nothing as he'd said he had no income.

Now I know FOR SURE that he works cash in hand doing jobs with his dad, who pay no tax or anything, all under radar whilst getting benefits, everything they can get. I lived in that house. I saw it. He couldn't get EMA way back cos his dad had no proof of earnings or could declare it without losing benefits. Yet with 'no income' he managed two holidays last year, Greece and somewhere else, plus one this year. Odd that! I have tried and TRIED to get that SOB to pay a bit to his son, whilst I was struggling, to get him to see a newborn baby and turn it away?? These things, plus others, many others, are why I have negatives. I've got through it. I have been through hell for this child. I feel so angry that this guy can just swan in and be Fireman Sam!!

Sorry, few tears there. It was real and painful, that's all i'm saying and he has not acted in any way good in the past. All these things he's doing now may sound good and proper, but what's behind that? A job built on lies, loose morals and thinking its going to be happy families with his sister, who reported me to SS saying wiglet had a black eye when he was a few months old, again a malicious lie, and the rest of them!



I'm really sorry, sound like such a horrible person! These are just things that have happened to me first hand and you can't blame me for feeling a bit angry about it. I'm giving it a shot. I'm saying things like no stopping over, etc., because wiglet is not going into that smoke-ridden hellhole of his, thinking its ok, and to see people who never before wanted to see him and wished us ill. Wiglet's dad once suggested he'd feel better if I 'got rid of it'. That was when I was only a few weeks pregnant and feeling very alone. I think it's only understandable to hold back a bit?

And I certainly don't want to turn into my mother! I don't know what to do there, I'm only acting like how think it should be. I don't even know that!

Wiggy, you've moved on. You're a different person now to the frightened girl who went on to have your baby. You are strong and looking to the future.

Hopefully Wiglet's father has moved on too. He's not perfect, but neither you now Wiglet need perfection. Sometimes it's okay to be good enough. He's responded now, and in the long run it won't matter which of you started that off.

Don't let looking backwards to what could have been stop you looking forwards to what could be.

slightlyconfused1

Hi. Mum and dad have different roles. It doesn't matter if you are together or apart, one parent is often the "fun" one, the other the more down to earth one. That is just the way it is.

Your son has the chance to have 2 parents who love him. Not every child is so lucky. No parent is perfect. We all make mistakes and do things we regret. Your ex didn't behave well at the beginning but that is an issue between the two of you, not your son.

BitterAndTwisted

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Thank you for your advice! Yes perhaps I'm expecting too much. You've got to remember I don't have a clue what a dad does. I didn't have one really. Even saying 'daddy' makes me feel a little sick in my mouth. So I'm kind-of going about from what I've seen or heard of others, which is tricky. The uncle idea is great, I'll leave it and step back a bit. I think sometimes I just want to mould a perfect dad from scratch for wiglet as I can see faults everywhere!

I just wanted to highlight this as I think it's an extremely perceptive viewpoint. It shows a great deal of emotional intelligence and maturity.

Listen Wiggy: he might not turn out to be the greatest Dad in the world. Very few are. He might not be able to sustain a proper long-term relationship with junior. He has no experience, so probably hasn't got the fainest clue how to go about it. But you contacted him and then he came. And is showing every sign that he will again. That's huge, just huge.

He may not continue to want to see him or forge a strong bond but at least you facilitated contact, so no-one could ever accuse you later of not wanting it or of trying to prevent it. That's also huge. Small steps. Small, tiny steps.

wiggywoo9

Thank you again. Just wanted to ask- what should I be doing at these visits? I stayed with wiglet for an hour last time cos he wasn' t so sure and to get him more confident. Then I think he thought it was like going to CM or nursery said 'bye!' and I just let them play in his room, got things out that I know he likes playing with like garage. I was just next door catching up on I'm A Celeb and the doors were all open so I can hear if he cries or anything. Should I do this again? Or be more involved?

RAS

What you did sounds fine; it allows wiglet and dad to get to know each other without feeling watched.

It also means that if wiglet gets very upset for any reason (like when someone I know had a melt-down because we could not stick his biscuit together again), you are there to help dad if he is struggling.

It is going to be a while before dad is experienced enough know how to cope in those situations.

Later you can suggest trips to the park together and then maybe on their own etc. Just remember that if wiglet busts his lip by getting in the way of a swing, it is likely that the mishap would happens regardles of which parent was with him.

harrys_nan

I think you should play it by ear, if wiglet seems to be ok then pop into another room but as before close by. Your ex might also feel a bit more confident if he is by himself, so you cant see him, it's easier for a resident parent to respond the right way but your ex just needs to learn, just be patient with him x

Mojisola

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Just wanted to ask- what should I be doing at these visits? I stayed with wiglet for an hour last time cos he wasn' t so sure and to get him more confident. Then I think he thought it was like going to CM or nursery said 'bye!' and I just let them play in his room, got things out that I know he likes playing with like garage. I was just next door catching up on I'm A Celeb and the doors were all open so I can hear if he cries or anything. Should I do this again? Or be more involved?

That sounds ideal.

"Dad" is still a stranger to Wiglet and he doesn't sound experienced with children so I would aim at continuing what you're did that day.

You're really going to have to teach his Dad how to do things so, if the weather's right, try a walk to the park together and show your ex which play things are suitable for Wiggy, etc. Your ex's confidence will grow if he keeps up the visits and then you'll be able to leave them together for a bit.

HPoirot

Doesn't have to be a formal pattern for the visits, you could get involved in the games too from time to time, I'm sure the more at play the merrier.