Husband just told me he's lost his job!

paulineb_2

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

I think she needs to know if it's going to work. Him hiding and not being open and honest about the money, the job, what happened, where it's gone, how much debt, etc.

They can't move on. Op will need to work to protect herself.

I think for me his anger and calling her controlling and saying she asking too many questions, his attitude if you like, would be the biggest thing for me.

Not just the not being open, the anger being shown towards her when hes the one who caused all this mess.

Missing_Lincs

unholyangel wrote: »

OP you may want to reconsider posting what your post count is.
There is a list of members you can organise by post count so not as anonymous as intended.

Thank you... I will change it!

paulineb_2

Missing_Lincs wrote: »

Thank you for this... I do hope he gets through stage 2 soon.

You are all giving me very good advice... and I'm taking notes to help me on my tough journey, whether it's a journey I walk alone, we'll have to wait and see! If he would answer my question without clamming up and being angry, it would help!

He has choices. Someone who cared about your feelings would be getting upset and telling you everything you needed to know.

I have debt, but its my debt. Id never make anyone else responsible for that and I would never in a million years rack up thousands of pounds worth of debt and then start acting like a complete !!!!, because thats how hes behaving at the moment.

tinkerbell28

paulineb wrote: »

I think for me his anger and calling her controlling and saying she asking too many questions, his attitude if you like, would be the biggest thing for me.

Not just the not being open, the anger being shown towards her when hes the one who caused all this mess.

Oh it would be for me and I'd have kicked him out, but I'd never say to op to do that.

To start working through it op, I would order those reports ASAP. Then you've got a clearer picture.

Tiddlywinks

What does he do for a living? Is it the type of work where people 'walk the streets' to get interviews?

My nephew cold-called a number of employers BUT he left a CV with them... and that was catering.

Do you know anyone from his work who can give any clues? Could you call up posing as a customer or whatever, ask for him and see what they say?

He may be telling the truth and he was scared and too ashamed to talk to you...

Or, he has a secret which has got him into a mess and that mess could drag you down as well.

Spell it out to him - you want the whole truth no matter how bad (and without him getting stroppy) or you will have lost faith in the relationship and will have to seriously consider whether you can continue life with a man you no longer trust.

See how he reacts to that...

paddy's_mum

Missing_Lincs wrote: »

If he would answer my question without clamming up and being angry

So stop asking questions and giving him the opportunity to punish you for whatever it is that you did or didn't do that, in his mind, makes you to blame for all this!

Don't ask him - find out for yourself and I guarantee that your sleuthing will frighten the wits out of him. He's fighting you with desperation to keep something hidden.

Speak to former work colleagues, follow up what others have suggested about getting his credit record, ask in the library if he's been spending his days there, someone in town must have seen him if he was out and about hunting for work ... you can't afford to just sit back and wait for him to develop any honour or conscience or remorse or pity ...

tinkerbell28

paddy's_mum wrote: »

So stop asking questions and giving him the opportunity to punish you for whatever it is that you did or didn't do that, in his mind, makes you to blame for all this!

Don't ask him - find out for yourself and I guarantee that your sleuthing will frighten the wits out of him. He's fighting you with desperation to keep something hidden.

Speak to former work colleagues, follow up what others have suggested about getting his credit record, ask in the library if he's been spending his days there, someone in town must have seen him if he was out and about hunting for work ... you can't afford to just sit back and wait for him to develop any honour or conscience or remorse or pity ...

This.

If he's just fessed up now to parts....as his credit is maxed and he's upto his eyeballs in it.

You need to work quick by seeing how much, if anything is on the house or in your name.

Tigsteroonie

paddy's_mum wrote: »

So stop asking questions and giving him the opportunity to punish you for whatever it is that you did or didn't do that, in his mind, makes you to blame for all this!

Don't ask him - find out for yourself and I guarantee that your sleuthing will frighten the wits out of him. He's fighting you with desperation to keep something hidden.

Apologies to the OP but this thread is creating quite a discussion in the Tigs/Marley household :rotfl:

We're wondering whether you need to back off for a day or two, let the dust settle for a (very) short while? You've just found out, he is naturally going to be on the defensive. He's feeling guilty, feeling angry with himself but he can't exactly beat himself up so he is snapping at you instead.

I'm not defending him in any way. But badgering him with questions probably won't teach you anything that you cannot find out yourself, e.g. from the credit records and bank statements.

If he had another woman, he'd have gone to her by now - immediately after you found out, as that would have given him an excuse to leave. If he's pushing for an argument and for you to ask him to leave, don't give him the satisfaction.

Missing_Lincs

I am so sorry I can't reply to everyone's comments individually... there are so many kind, concerned people here.

I am worried about my husband's mental health right now as he seems to switch from angry to 'I'm sorry I said that' so quickly. He has just finished his CV and is typing up the email to apply for the job.

There is a bit of an age gap between us, let's say that I'm certainly not old enough to be his mother but he's old enough to be my 25 year old daughter's father! So I suppose this and my maternal instincts (and failed first marriage to my daughter's father) all add up to me coming across as controlling rather than concerned or worried for our/my future.

Dimey

Whether you back off or not OP, It appears you can't trust what your OH tells you.

You need to investigate for yourself and ring fence your finances so no further damage can be done in the meantime.