Husband just told me he's lost his job!

Dazedandconfused

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

I'm sorry but this would be game over for me.

What's he been doing for 6 months? Why hasn't he been looking for a job? Yet when you find out, he's decided to start applying. He hasn't been looking if his CV isn't up to scratch.

Where has he been though all the holidays? Where did he go?

Sorry but he sounds full of !!!!!! to me.

You've been living a lie for 6 months, he's lied to you about everything and put your family at risk financially.

I would've said sit down and try and work it out if you can.

The fact he won't give you answers, as it's "too many questions" changed my mind.

He's been god knows where for 6 months, doing god knows what, he's lied and lied and got the family into financial crap. If it were ever to work, it needs 100% transparency.

If you want to protect your finances I'd see a solicitor and work at paying things yourself for now, you can't trust him .

This sounds harsh written down but it's exactly what you should be thinking right now.

He's not been looking for jobs if his CV isn't updated so what has he been doing

What else is he lying about.
Have you worked out the extent of his debts?
To be honest I'd say feed the cats and he can have budget food
I don't think you can trust him and while I'm not saying ditch him by any stretch I think you have to be very wary and protect yourself emotionally and financially
Don't take it that this is your fault. It's his debts ultimately he needs to sort it and fast.
Also might be worth considering some kind of couples counselling, why wasn't he talking to you? And some kind of debt guidance for him.

Good luck!!

Tigsteroonie

Missing_Lincs wrote: »

So I suppose this and my maternal instincts (and failed first marriage to my daughter's father) all add up to me coming across as controlling rather than concerned or worried for our/my future.

This is NOT your fault. If he hadn't made the situation, you wouldn't have to control the fallout from it. Please don't let him guilt-trip you into thinking that you are equally responsible.

tinkerbell28

Missing_Lincs wrote: »

I am so sorry I can't reply to everyone's comments individually... there are so many kind, concerned people here.

I am worried about my husband's mental health right now as he seems to switch from angry to 'I'm sorry I said that' so quickly. He has just finished his CV and is typing up the email to apply for the job.

There is a bit of an age gap between us, let's say that I'm certainly not old enough to be his mother but he's old enough to be my 25 year old daughter's father! So I suppose this and my maternal instincts (and failed first marriage to my daughter's father) all add up to me coming across as controlling rather than concerned or worried for our/my future.

He's done a great job in avoiding responsibility and making you feel at fault hasn't he?

All the time you feel it's your fault and are scared to get to the bottom of it as you're seen as controlling.

The issue wil stay hidden, the debt won't get exposed, nor will the reasons behind it.

Handy for him, risky for you.

paddy's_mum

Do you wanna know something?

In my book, you could be as controlling as the complete RAF's air traffic staff and that would still be okay. :rotfl:

If, at rock bottom, he is this dishonest, this manipulative and, frankly, this blimmin' stupid, somebody needs to steer the ship!

He has proved over the past six months that he is more than content to steer you all onto the rocks. It's not going to be him that jumps into the foam to save lives, is it?

Is this the first intimation you've had that he's untrustworthy? Has he been married before and if so, is this the reason that a previous marriage broke up?

I have learned through long, bitter and painful experience that people generally don't act out of character and if he's let the situation go this far along the road to disaster, it won't be new behaviour.

I don't want to hector you but I'm getting so cross on your behalf. Again, good luck.

Dimey

Missing_Lincs wrote: »

<<<

I am worried about my husband's mental health right now as he seems to switch from angry to 'I'm sorry I said that' so quickly. He has just finished his CV and is typing up the email to apply for the job.

There is a bit of an age gap between us, let's say that I'm certainly not old enough to be his mother but he's old enough to be my 25 year old daughter's father! So I suppose this and my maternal instincts (and failed first marriage to my daughter's father) all add up to me coming across as controlling rather than concerned or worried for our/my future.

OP - he's just wriggling and manipulating you. There were no signs of a mental health problem before he made his admission were there?

Ages make no difference to what's happening. One partner has got the family into deep doo-dah and is keeping secrets while the other partner is trying to get the family out of deep doo-dah with one hand tied behind their back because the first partner selfishly won't help.

Seanymph

paddy's mum I think you are rather wonderful.

And the switching around is typical controlling behaviour FROM HIM! He wants you to shut up, and it looks like he'll pull every trick to make you - including telling YOU that you are the problem.

You aren't - you are seeking a solution, he made the problem. He needs to man up, and tell you what exactly is going on.

Dimey

paddy's_mum wrote: »

<<<

I don't want to hector you but I'm getting so cross on your behalf. Again, good luck.

Me too.

There have been some brilliant insightful posts on this thread that supportively point OP in the right direction.

Don't trust what OH has said, investigate and protect finances. Find out why OH is behaving so strangely and don't be intimidated by him to stop sorting his mess.

And later when the truth is out and the cut of the man can be clearly seen then review whether OH is the kind of person worthy of sharing your love and life with.

thorsoak

Missing_Lincs wrote: »

I am so sorry I can't reply to everyone's comments individually... there are so many kind, concerned people here.

I am worried about my husband's mental health right now as he seems to switch from angry to 'I'm sorry I said that' so quickly. He has just finished his CV and is typing up the email to apply for the job.

There is a bit of an age gap between us, let's say that I'm certainly not old enough to be his mother but he's old enough to be my 25 year old daughter's father! So I suppose this and my maternal instincts (and failed first marriage to my daughter's father) all add up to me coming across as controlling rather than concerned or worried for our/my future.

Sorry - but I see concerns about your husband's mental health to be a sort of smoke-screen I see it as a means to diffuse your rightful anger!

Were I in your shoes, I'm pretty sure that I would be absolutely livid that he has deceived me for so long, had allowed me to think that everything was going along as usual when in fact everything was headed for the crash barrier!

Do you work fulltime? Are you paying into your own pension fund? Are his credit cards linked to yours?

whitewing

I haven't been in the same situation but I still wouldn't write him off just yet.

My DH usually goes through a period of stroppiness if he has done something wrong, before we get matters sorted, either together or by himself depending on the situation.

He's more chilled out than me so if I do something that he is not pleased with, he deals with it maturely: points it out but doesn't make a song and dance about it.

paulineb_2

Its a big something wrong, to the tune of a few grand, if I were the OP Id be hopping mad.