Husband just told me he's lost his job!

dandelionclock30

More realistic than sad I think.
No need to feel sorry for me, instead feel sorry for all those people who lose their homes or who end up in a financial mess through no fault of their own.

Theres nothing wrong at all with wanting your own financial independence and your own home.I think is more empowering really as opposed to being sad and lonely.

Anyway,I dont want to hyjack OP's thread any further. Cheers.

paddy's_mum

Having had a couple of hours 'off' and time to think, it's occurred to me what is so very badly wrong with his so-called defence.

If you truly are so controlling and don't allow your husband any room to 'think and do' for himself, then how come you knew nothing of what's been going on?

So ... you are so controlling that you stalked his every move. You are so controlling that you followed him to work. You are so controlling that his employers reported to you. You are so controlling that his bank details come to you. You are so controlling that he can't breathe without you know it. You are so controlling that he can't make a phone call except that you insist that it takes place in front of you.

Yeah, right.

Dovah_diva

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Really? Perhaps OP's biggest problem is that her husband is weak and cowardly. How can she be held to account for that?

Personally, if my husband had done something like this, I'd consider that there was a failure in the relationship. Even weak, cowardly people talk to their spouses or friends.

Soleil_lune

Missing_Lincs wrote: »

(Please forgive me... I have started a new profile for anonymity)

I don't know where to start...

Yesterday my husband told me that he's 'lost his job'. Well, he didn't actually lose his job, he just quit without notice... in May!

So, after a day of 'why?, why?, why?', we've now got to start picking up the pieces but don't know where to start. I think he's HAD to tell me now as he has now run out of credit on his SIX credit cards which is how he's been paying his share of the household bills.

He's been leaving the house at 8am and coming home at 6pm, his normal work times, but had been coming back to the house during the day but going out again to keep up the deceit. I work in a school (Not a teacher - office staff) and so have the school holidays at home, and he stayed out all day during the end of July & August and also this past week as half-term was last week where we live).

I know it is early days and things may turn around in a flash if he got a job tomorrow, but being realistic, it would be a miracle if that happened! I'm back at work tomorrow, goodness knows how I'll function, but I'll be there!

Any advice is grateful and yes, the thought of leaving him (because of all his deception) is on my mind (before everyone asks why is he still here!) but I have more equity in our house than he has (75%/25%) that I need to protect, and also, you can't help who you love! He needs my help, and I need help too. PLEASE! xx

Obviously what has happened is not good, and you are both in a terrible financial position, but I am shocked at the attitudes from some towards your husband. There must be SOME reason why he felt the need to keep it quiet for 5 months. And I am sure it isn't because he is an evil coniving b**tard!

Obviously you are entitled to be worried about money, but I am actually quite perturbed that you seem to be more concerned with the money situation, rather than the reasons why he may have done this. I mean you seem to be wanting to make sure you get your 'share' of the equity. Why do you regard the equity in the house as 75% 'yours?' You're married, so it's equally shared surely?

I can't help but think that if this was a man writing this post about their wife, and HE had said that he wanted to protect HIS share of the equity, he would have been shot down in flames.

Seriously, talk to him and find out why on earth he did this, and try to work it out together, rather than worrying about making sure you get 'your' money. Do you actually love him? Because I haven't seen you say anywhere, in any of your posts, that you do. Just lots of wondering whether you should split up with him, worrying about whether you will get your equity, and working out if you can afford to split.

From what I have read so far, you don't sound like husband and wife; more like flatmates, paying half each for stuff and you trying to make sure if you split, you get everything that is yours.

That's how I see it. Hope everything turns out well for BOTH of you. But from what I have read so far, I'm not so sure. I agree with the above poster: I think there is something definitely wrong in this relationship.

Rev

OP, I don't have any advice. I have absolutely no idea what I'd do were I you, I just wanted to send you hugs.

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

Im not saying a single life, you can have a partner and not live with them you know. I think theres quite a good chance a persons partner might turn out to be a liar from what I've seen and experienced.
I'd rather have my house over my head without any worry.Not daft fellas taking the hit and miss.

FWIW, I agree with this. Every relationship I've had and 95% of the ones friends have had have ended with someone getting royally crapped upon from a great hight. It's like sticking your hand in the fire, realising it hurts beyond belief then doing it again in case next time you don't hurt yourself. The 'keep trying' philosophy is utterly lost on me.

dktreesea

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Having had a couple of hours 'off' and time to think, it's occurred to me what is so very badly wrong with his so-called defence.

If you truly are so controlling and don't allow your husband any room to 'think and do' for himself, then how come you knew nothing of what's been going on?

So ... you are so controlling that you stalked his every move. You are so controlling that you followed him to work. You are so controlling that his employers reported to you. You are so controlling that his bank details come to you. You are so controlling that he can't breathe without you know it. You are so controlling that he can't make a phone call except that you insist that it takes place in front of you.

Yeah, right.

Well said. I do think though, that working in a job which you no longer enjoy because, for instance, you have a new boss who makes no secret of the fact they don't fancy having you on their team so are always looking for ways to "move you on" is a really awful situation to be in. So a new boss with no reason to lay you off (i.e. no upcoming restructuring opportunity in the wind) could well just be unpleasant, in the hope that you can't take it and will move on of your own accord.

It sounds like it hit the OP's husband quite hard if he has invested months in pretending he still has a job, rather than going all out to get another job. Mental health can be quite a precarious thing.

dktreesea

Dimey wrote: »

.....
Why does he think you - his wife and confidant - has no right to ask questions and know every intimate detail. How does he expect you both to pull together to save your world from collapse if you don't know everything.

Why is he resentful towards OP and why is he not cringing with embarrassment and tearfully apologising for his deceit.

Its because your OH is resisting openness and honesty that you have to protect yourself because you can no longer trust him.

The idea of taking over his financial affairs and not allowing him credit cards (if you know exactly how many he has) seems the only safe option, if he'll participate.

Could he have taken a loan against the house?
OP, you probably need to see a solicitor to get your 75% staked down, irrespective of where your marriage is going.
...

While I think the OP's OH must have been feeling pretty low/depressed/stressed to behave as he has done, and I'm not condoning what I see as quite selfish behaviour on his part, clearly his wife isn't his confidant. If she had been, she would have realised he was looking to quit his job long before he actually did.

This idea that being married means you get to know every detail about your partner's life is, imho, ridiculous. Are you saying people are not entitled to their privacy, including around financial matters, just because they are married?

dktreesea

OP, just in case your husband ends up having to go bankrupt, in which case his share of the house (which will possibly deemed to be a 50/50 split in the equity notwithstanding you believe it to be 75/25 in your favour) will vest in the bankruptcy trustee, can you then afford to buy out the trustee, either via increasing the mortgage or from savings, so as to protect the family home?

If you could see a way to protect the family home, it could take a great weight off your shoulders.

I know you love your partner and want to sort this. But looking at your situation right now, you are an a relationship with a man who doesn't work, has considerable debts, whom you are supporting. Even if he claims contributions based jsa, it will only be for a short time. Thereafter you would be supporting him. What if he doesn't find any work? That can happen. Ask any long term unemployed person over the age of 45.

Maybe you need to ask yourself how you feel about being the sole breadwinner and supporting him going forward? You can ask him all the questions you want, about the nature of his debts, the amount thereof, what he does in a day etc etc, and you can let him know the current situation is not acceptable to you - and maybe make both of your lives a misery along the way - but I don't see how knowing the intimate details of his life, which he clearly doesn't fancy sharing with you given his reaction so far, is going to change the current reality of your situation.

duchy

I'm sorry but this simply doesn't add up.

Five months pounding the streets -yet his CV isn't even up to date ?

Buying a new phone on contract 5 months in ?

5 months of "How was your day" discussions without slipping up ?

I think OP in your shoes I would be going through the creditcards and bank statements and see what the spending pattern was. The where's and what kinds of purchases.

paddy's_mum

I can't believe some of the comments on here! I am, quite simply, astounded that such a devastating campaign of deceit can be glossed over with such phrases as "get a hint" (post 87) and the comment beginning "not entitled to their privacy just because they are married" (post 89).

In my view, this husband has perpetrated a matrimonial crime upon his wife. He has not only, in effect, stolen from the family exchequer, he has put poison at the very root of the marriage with all the dishonesty.

I'd also say that while I agree with the essence of much of what dktreesea says, her own words "just in case your husband ends up having to go bankrupt.." must surely compel anyone to realise that what this husband has done is caused great damage and harm to the marriage as well as to the mental, emotional and physical wellbeing of his wife. It's an offense akin to the crime called Grievous Bodily Harm.

Sorry, but I believe that when one person's actions have gone way beyond threatening harm and are actually causing such damage and disaster, the other spouse is absolutely entitled to know every last spit and hiccup. They are, in law and in their financial ties, one body and the husband does not have the right to keep their business to himself, especially if he needs her help to save himself.

I'd have a whole lot more respect and sympathy for the man if he would at last start telling the truth. What's that old saying - when you're in a hole, stop digging.

However, I also appreciate that others are just as entitled to hold their own equally valid view.