Husband just told me he's lost his job!

Missing_Lincs

(Please forgive me... I have started a new profile for anonymity)

I don't know where to start...

Yesterday my husband told me that he's 'lost his job'. Well, he didn't actually lose his job, he just quit without notice... in May!

So, after a day of 'why?, why?, why?', we've now got to start picking up the pieces but don't know where to start. I think he's HAD to tell me now as he has now run out of credit on his SIX credit cards which is how he's been paying his share of the household bills.

He's been leaving the house at 8am and coming home at 6pm, his normal work times, but had been coming back to the house during the day but going out again to keep up the deceit. I work in a school (Not a teacher - office staff) and so have the school holidays at home, and he stayed out all day during the end of July & August and also this past week as half-term was last week where we live).

My daughter (25) still lives at home but her and her boyfriend just got the keys to their new house on Monday and I've been helping them strip wallpaper & decorate this past week. They plan to move in at the beginning of December when all the work is done and their furniture has been delivered. She has been paying the nominal sum of £80 a month since she was working and that will obviously stop in a months time. She doesn't know about her step-dad 'losing' his job as yet. We also have 5 cats!

He used to give me £650 a month for his share of the household bills and I paid the other half. ALL the household bills including our mortgage come out of my bank account so I know they have all been paid up to now. He gave me £455 yesterday and I asked him to cancel his AA cover and claimed a refund of about £100 so with my wages on pay day on Thursday, November's bills are almost covered.

I know it is early days and things may turn around in a flash if he got a job tomorrow, but being realistic, it would be a miracle if that happened! I'm back at work tomorrow, goodness knows how I'll function, but I'll be there!

Any advice is grateful and yes, the thought of leaving him (because of all his deception) is on my mind (before everyone asks why is he still here!) but I have more equity in our house than he has (75%/25%) that I need to protect, and also, you can't help who you love! He needs my help, and I need help too. PLEASE! xx

whitewing

What a shock for you but I guess he was trying to get a new job, and perhaps not worry you. Then over time, it became harder and harder to tell you and the 'children' the truth. I have a lot of sympathy for him actually, but I bet he wishes he'd been honest from the start.

Do a statement of affairs (SOA) on the DFW board (there is a sticky on there) and you will begin to get a plan.

Any

Has he been actively looking?
What sort of advice are you expecting? We can't tell you how to print money.. is it saving on food etc you are looking for?
Has he been withdrawing cash from credit cards?
Why did he not tell you? Does he have explanation for that?

ItchyFeet

What a nightmare! I don't know enough to be of much use, but do you know the total of his debts? If you haven't already done so i would think the first thing to do would be to sit down and demand absolute honesty as to the full extent of his borrowings. (((hugs)))

[Deleted User]

Can he sign up with any temp agencies in the interim?

Spendless

I think you need to get to the bottom of how much debt has been run up first, before you start a plan to pay it off. From what you've said he must have been withdrawing cash on his cc in order to pay his share of bills.

Temporary christmas jobs should be starting to be advertised now along with registering with recruitment agencies for even ad-hoc work that would help with fetching an income in.

whitewing

As your daughter is moving out, you could maybe not tell her just yet - give yourself time to absorb the shock. Maybe he could be 'not at work' for a bit and help her move.

It will be a lot easier for his job hunt if he doesn't have to be out of the house all day.

Why on earth did he quit without notice?

I agree about registering with a temping agencies but how is he going to achieve anything without a decent reference?

There will be some tough months ahead but you will be able to manage if you can work as a team.

The other thing I'd want to know is exactly where he was during the day and exactly what he was up to.

I know you are using an AE so I don't know how familiar you are with MSE. Most people who are recently joining can cut down a massive amount on supermarket spends by planning and changing their attitude to shopping so that may be a very good place to start.

Dovah_diva

I think you really need to be having a serious heart to heart with your husband. Why did he quit without notice? Why didn't he talk to you first? There are clearly problems in the relationship and these need to be addressed. He also needs to be actively looking for a job - any job. You need to be thinking about how to get your bills down for a bit - can you take a payment break from your mortgage? Write to any creditors and ask that they freeze interest and perhaps lower payments. Got anything you can sell - cars, computers, jewellery to cover the bills?

busiscoming2

I echo what has been said already. Why leave without notice? Why hasn't he found a job (even as an interim) in the past 5 months? What has he been doing?
Apart from everything else, how do you feel knowing he has been available and not chosen to spend time with you in the holidays or helping at your DD's new place?
I'd probably be most furious about his irresponsibility in running up all that debt unnecessarily.

I really feel for you.

FBaby

It sounds like your husband has been under horrible stress leading to his actions. He probably felt absolutely rubbish for giving up his job that he would kept it from you and going through that pretense for so long. He must have thought that he would get another job quickly and then it wouldn't be so bad, but he didn't. It must have been really tough for him to finally own up to you, he must have had many nightmares about it.

If it is was my husband, what would sadden me most would be that he felt he couldn't tell me that things were getting to him and he felt he had no choice but to quit. I would separate the two issues, on one hand work on the finances, and the other work on the emotional implications of his actions. I think he needs some emotional support from you, but you need him to take some financial responsibility and not leave it for you to sort out the mess.

Missing_Lincs

Thank you for your thoughts and (((hugs)))!

Some of the questions you ask he has already answered, if he is being honest of course. He says he's 'walked his butt off' looking for work but on his list of things to do on Monday is to go to the job centre! So I asked him if he'd looked on the job centre's website and he said he'd been too busy walking the streets, knocking on doors to find work.
At 5am this morning (we've been up since 3:50am... stupid clocks changing!) I looked on the job centre website and I spotted a job similar to his previous job which was first advertised 24th October. He looks keen on it, saying he'd apply but needs to update his CV to attach to the email, as is requested. He hasn't started that as yet.

As for quitting his job... he says he was getting grief from a new manager and was stressed and angered that she seemed to 'pick on him' for little mistakes but never reprimanded anyone else. He'd worked there for 7 years.

In reply to my anonymity and my knowledge with MSE... I'm a 'Fantastically Fervent MoneySaving Super Fan' with 2500+ posts so I'm not a stranger around here. Saying that, my 'money saving' in the past has been mainly about finding grocery bargains and PPI reclaiming.

I agree with us having to work as a team, if he accepts my help rather than getting angry/frustrated at me for asking questions. A 'heart to heart' is only possible if he tells me the truth. Surely now it's out in the open he should be able to talk, but I'm not sure.

His debt... I know about one credit card he got a letter about yesterday wanting £28 to pay the 'over limit' amount. I asked him to ring them up and they have extended it for 30 days. As for the rest... I am asking 'too many questions'!

We had planned to get rid of Sky TV when my daughter moved out as most of what I watch is available on freeview (I think we'll still get freeview through the Sky box) so I need to look into what date we are paid up until. That'll save us £35 a month... not much, but a start!

My head is spinning right now so please forgive me while I take a break. Thanks again all!

ETA: He's doing his CV!