Husband just told me he's lost his job!

paddy's_mum

You're a kinder woman than I am, OP. My husband did almost exactly the same to me and although we stayed together and worked and scrimped and saved blimmin' hard for several years to pay off the £10k of debt he had run up behind my back, it was the death knell of the marriage. We were pensioners with no access to more overtime or the chance of getting a promotion. We are still together and there is real affection between us but the love and trust I held was killed stone dead.

You will almost certainly come to feel blindingly angry towards your husband when you realise that the lies he told you - often those of omission - over these past few months run into the thousands upon thousands! :mad: He has conducted a concerted campaign of treachery and untruthfulness.

Every move he made was dishonest. When you washed his shirts ready for work and he said nothing, he lied. When he got showered in the morning ready for work, he lied. Every step over the threshold he took was a lie. Every pound of every bill you paid was a lie...and so on and on and on! It is the enormity of the deceit, dishonesty and disloyalty which does the lasting damage, in my experience. I'd bet money that he didn't even take over the washing up even though he knew that he'd done nothing all day.

My advice is that your first step should be to take from him all those credit cards and lock them away. Find out how much is owing and please bear in mind that he may still try to keep you from knowing the whole truth. What he's done is cowardly and shaming and he may well keep on trying to conceal the full extent of his dishonesty. In your shoes, I'd be making it beyond clear that one more lie (or fudge, or glossing over or forgot or all those other words that people use to cover up their own misdeeds!) will be the end of the marriage and he WILL be out on his ear without you as his lifebelt. Keep very good records (originals if possible) and keep them safe. You may one day want to divorce using those documents as evidence of his unreasonable behaviour.

Edit to add: OP - in light of your post number 11 where he is getting angry that you are asking too many questions, I'll go further and tell you that you may have to threaten him with divorce before he will level with you. Conniving !!!!!! - how dare he resent your 'interference'!!! I am fuming on your behalf. So all by himself, behind your back, he's dragged you down into this cesspit of debt, fear and uncertainty, wants you to help save him, but still wants to keep 'his business' to himself? I'm afraid my answer would be a very less than polite version of on yer bike!

While I recognise that at the moment you are fighting to keep your heads above water in practical terms, you also need to seek a safety valve for the emotions which will, at some point, boil over. I went through disbelief to loathing, to despair, to fury, to contempt, to acceptance, but we managed to keep some sort of workable relationship.

Have you a trusted friend or counsellor that you can confide in? It may become very important indeed that you can off-load some of the anger and stress.

I wish you well as you begin dealing with all this. Been there, done that and come out the other side albeit with wounds and scars. Take care of yourself and good luck.

Dovah_diva wrote: »

There are clearly problems in the relationship

Really? Perhaps OP's biggest problem is that her husband is weak and cowardly. How can she be held to account for that?

monty-doggy

I know it's not much but you can ring the council tax and get one or two month payment break, and ring up utilities and see if you are in credit and they can send you a cheque. Can you get a payment holiday on mortgage or switch to interest only for awhile?

Mojisola

Isn't he entitled to contributions based JSA? That would help a little.

As your daughter is moving out, would you consider having a lodger to bring some more money in? Look up the Rent-a-Room scheme. If you want your weekends to yourselves, look for someone who wants a Mon-Fri room.

Tigsteroonie

I think the deception would bother me more - what has he been doing all that time? Has he really been walking the streets looking for a job? What about sitting in a library on the computer applying for jobs? Or has he been sat in a bar or the bookies? Or someone else's house?

For practical advice regarding the money situation, I'd suggest a follow-up thread over on the DFW board. No need for a back-story but put up an SOA and get some advice on where you can cut cost

ETA. Oh, and try to make it work & stay together - the inequality in equity (unless written into legal documents) would be hard to argue in a divorce court, it could be seen that you've been in a marriage where both contributed equally so the division could be 50:50. You'd need a very good lawyer to argue the financial proceedings to come out on top - bad fiscal behaviour such as this is one of the few factors that can impact division but there would be a court battle involved.

LannieDuck

Oh dear, must have been an awful shock. It sounds as if you're on the other side of the fence to many of the DFW posters who can't quite find the courage to tell their OH about their debts.

What happens next really has to be down to your OH. He got you into this mess, so he needs to get you out. You can be supportive and try to be understanding, but he needs to do the hard work. Perhaps you could convince him to make an account and post on the DFW boards? There's lots he can do - the CV and job application is one, a SOA, ebaying, cutting back on luxuries, taking responsibility for food shopping and cutting back there etc etc. As long as he's putting the work in, hopefully you'll be able to support him. But don't do it for him.

paulineb_2

I think he should have spoken to you or got some advice from a union or acas before handing in a resignation. Really silly thing to do without trying to resolve things first. But it's done now. I agree, he needs to get a claim for jsa in, he should hopefully be able to claim contributions based jsa for 6 months if he has paid enough class one NI contributions within the last two years.

He needs to make that claim either online or by phone. It won't be much he would get, 71 quid a week but it would be better than nothing.

Also, if he quit without notice will his ex employer give him a reference?

paulineb_2

Asking too many questions? You have a right to know the extent of the mess he is in and you have the right to ask questions without him getting angry.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Mojisola wrote: »

Isn't he entitled to contributions based JSA? That would help a little.

As your daughter is moving out, would you consider having a lodger to bring some more money in? Look up the Rent-a-Room scheme. If you want your weekends to yourselves, look for someone who wants a Mon-Fri room.

Is it possible he could be sanctioned for walking out of his job?

tinkerbell28

I'm sorry but this would be game over for me.

What's he been doing for 6 months? Why hasn't he been looking for a job? Yet when you find out, he's decided to start applying. He hasn't been looking if his CV isn't up to scratch.

Where has he been though all the holidays? Where did he go?

Sorry but he sounds full of !!!!!! to me.

You've been living a lie for 6 months, he's lied to you about everything and put your family at risk financially.

I would've said sit down and try and work it out if you can.

The fact he won't give you answers, as it's "too many questions" changed my mind.

He's been god knows where for 6 months, doing god knows what, he's lied and lied and got the family into financial crap. If it were ever to work, it needs 100% transparency.

If you want to protect your finances I'd see a solicitor and work at paying things yourself for now, you can't trust him .

nimbo

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Is it possible he could be sanctioned for walking out of his job?

I think the sanction may have been for 13 or 26 weeks - which he has probably 'served' now... sorry not really up on benefits - but check over on the benefits board...

HOWEVER he won't have been paying NI for these months so may not get contributions based now....

do go to the DFW board - as they will be able to pick apart a SOA... the £1300 that you were spending on household bills etc may be able to be lowered (obviously you may have a huge mortgage repayment on there if you live in central London for example - but let them have a look or post it here even)...

if he is not currently working can he downsize his car, and pay off some his cards with 'extra cash' left over from the sale of whatever car he owns -

call the council for the 25% discount on council tax as soon as your daughter has moved out.

look at the old style board for helping downsize your grocery bills - they can work wonders, and have some seriously great recipes.

it must have been horrid news to hear - but it also must have taken alot of courage to speak out about it... I hope you manage to work through it, and tell him good luck with the application. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx