Husband just told me he's lost his job!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Missing_Lincs wrote: »

Oh my goodness... thank you for all the replies! So kind!

What an afternoon I've had so far! We've just been to town to cancel a new phone contract that I found out about today that he took out just LAST THURSDAY! Luckily it was within the 'however many days' limit to be able to return it but boy did we row when we got back to the car!

He accused me of controlling his life and he said he can think and do what he wants! He's calmed down again now, until the next time. Just to add... I'm not in any physical danger.

There have been so many comments and advice while I've been away that I need to re-read them all and answer where I can.

My 5 cats will now be on 'half a tin' rations morning and night but they do have a continuous supply of dried food. Poor things... it's not their fault. Shame my daughter can't take her favourite ones with her but her boyfriend has asthma so it has already been discussed that she can't have any... maybe she can buy a few tins of cat food a month. I'm going to talk to her about this big mess when I see her.

Thanks for the support!

Think and do as he likes?

Yeah. In his old mouldy bedsit, perhaps. But not on your time, your money and when you are most likely going to end up wiping his financial arze for him - if you let him stay.

That aggressive defence is more of a deal breaker for me than the somewhat stupid walking out of a job and even the constant lying. I would be very very suspicious about how he actually ended up without a job, and I'm thinking that he didn't walk out because a woman there told him off a couple of times.

tinkerbell28

Missing_Lincs wrote: »

Oh my goodness... thank you for all the replies! So kind!

What an afternoon I've had so far! We've just been to town to cancel a new phone contract that I found out about today that he took out just LAST THURSDAY! Luckily it was within the 'however many days' limit to be able to return it but boy did we row when we got back to the car!

He accused me of controlling his life and he said he can think and do what he wants! He's calmed down again now, until the next time. Just to add... I'm not in any physical danger.

There have been so many comments and advice while I've been away that I need to re-read them all and answer where I can.

My 5 cats will now be on 'half a tin' rations morning and night but they do have a continuous supply of dried food. Poor things... it's not their fault. Shame my daughter can't take her favourite ones with her but her boyfriend has asthma so it has already been discussed that she can't have any... maybe she can buy a few tins of cat food a month. I'm going to talk to her about this big mess when I see her.

Thanks for the support!

I'm sorry but I think you need to get legal advice asap and really get to the bottom of what has gone on here.

He is being selfish to the core here and those words and getting angry say a lot. He's single handedly quite possibly destroyed your finances and the family and it's all about him.

I'm going to say it and expect to get shot down in flames. But it's just added to what I thought from your post. That's how people talk when they've been selfish and got something to hide.

You are controlling my life you bad woman wahhhhh I can do what I want you're such a control freak wahhhhh me, me and I.

Like an addict does at first. Be it alcohol, gambling, escorts, that kind of thing.

Or someone who has a guilty secret, like an affair, (Secured loan, gross missconduct)? <<<<That would be my first guess. He has done something at work.

Whatever he's told you, I think you've got more to come and currently he's going through no shame or remorse, he's too busy blaming you, the big nasty spouse.

paulineb_2

Missing_Lincs wrote: »

Oh my goodness... thank you for all the replies! So kind!

What an afternoon I've had so far! We've just been to town to cancel a new phone contract that I found out about today that he took out just LAST THURSDAY! Luckily it was within the 'however many days' limit to be able to return it but boy did we row when we got back to the car!

He accused me of controlling his life and he said he can think and do what he wants! He's calmed down again now, until the next time. Just to add... I'm not in any physical danger.

There have been so many comments and advice while I've been away that I need to re-read them all and answer where I can.

My 5 cats will now be on 'half a tin' rations morning and night but they do have a continuous supply of dried food. Poor things... it's not their fault. Shame my daughter can't take her favourite ones with her but her boyfriend has asthma so it has already been discussed that she can't have any... maybe she can buy a few tins of cat food a month. I'm going to talk to her about this big mess when I see her.

Thanks for the support!

Your cats will be fine. I stopped feeding mine wet food a few years back and they've had no ill effects. Wet cat food is full of crap, if you knew what was in it, you probably wouldnt buy it anyway.

If you look for cheap cat food, you'll get it in Aldi, home bargains, B and M. Also the big supermarkets do their own brand or savers cat food.

I think you should be asking him just how much debt he is in. If hes come clean about this, he needs to come clean about all of it.

Seriously, taking out a new phone contract when hes thousands of pounds in debt, what planet is he living on.

As for controlling his life, you wouldnt have to if he was still in a job.

And please try and make sure he hasnt taken out any debt in your name, it could massively affect your own credit rating if he has.

lika_86

Missing_Lincs wrote: »

maybe she can buy a few tins of cat food a month. I'm going to talk to her about this big mess when I see her.

Sorry to hear about this, I can't offer any real advice other than that offered by others, but maybe think about how much you tell your daughter. She's on the cusp of moving out into her own place, what would her reaction be to finding out that her dad has run up a lot of debt and that you're now struggling? Would she feel compelled to help beyond her means? Would she think twice about moving out and feel obliged to stay at home and help out? Although she's am adult, consider whether she needs to know the full extent of this and whether she can handle it.

dandelionclock30

I think he lied because he was scared of telling the truth.For him to walk out of his job in this day and age there must have been a lot going on for him.Its possible that he was very depressed or that if he didnt walk they would sack him etc. He must have felt at the end of his tether to do that.
Although its bad what he did, its better him telling you now than doing something silly like running off or doing himself in.
I would be asking him if he needs to go to the Drs if hes depressed.
Also can your daughter stump up a bit of money for you? £80.00 per month is far too low to be paying for board and lodgings.Dont be scared of asking her for help, your her parents and have supported her all her life. She could give you something every month, never mind her new house.
You need to sort out all the debs and all the incomings and outgoings and see if the places he owes money to will arrange repayment plans.
if they wont play ball the consumer credit counselling service can negotiate on your behalf.They are a charity and you dont have to pay them.
You also need to thnk about what you want to do about him. Do you want to stay with him or want him to go. Its rather a big lie and you need to consider your options.Ask your G.P for counselling if needed or through work they sometimes have Employee assistance.
Regarding your cats,I've found that if you wet the biscuits a little and mix it in with the wet food this bulks the meat out a bit.
Also whats he going to do about getting himslf out of this mess and helping the household?
Good luck with all that O.P. Dont let him bury his head in the sand and let you sort his mess out.

Tigsteroonie

I'm reminded on this thread of the 5 stages of shock/grief:

(1) Denial/isolation - the last few months
(2) Anger - what he's going through now, trying to turn it back onto you now that you've found out and are trying to sort it
(3) Bargaining
(4) Depression
(5) Acceptance

I hope he moves onto the 'bargaining' stage soon where he realises that he has too much to lose if he doesn't start working with you on this.

tinkerbell28

I would...order your credit reports on a free trial, then cancel. You can get instant access to them this way, instead of waiting for the statutory.

I think time is of the essence here. You need to find out if he's got anything on the house, or anything in joint names or yours.

You'll then have a full list of his accounts and how much he's in debt as it records them all.

Then you can start asking him where it's all gone. Say 4k has come to you for household bills over this time...you can then work from there....

unholyangel

OP you may want to reconsider posting what your post count is.
There is a list of members you can organise by post count so not as anonymous as intended.

paulineb_2

I dont think the daughter should have to pay because the stepdad has got into debt. This is his mess to sort out, not hers. If the mum and stepdad were happy about taking a token payment of £80 to allow her to buy her new home, I think thats fair enough.

If she wants to help, then its up to you whether you let her.

But he needs to be trying to sort this mess out. Applying for new jobs isnt enough, he needs to be honest about

1 Why he walked out
2 Why he didnt discuss this with you at any point since
3 What his position is re a reference
4 Just how much debt he is in
5 Anything else related to this sorry mess
6 Why he hasnt made a claim for JSA sooner

I also struggle with the pounding the streets looking for work. Ive been in jobs where Ive been bullied to the point that I was unwell. Ive always tried to sort things out via a union or on my own. He could have raised a grievance, he could have spoken to HR. It probably wont have gone down well that he didnt even work his notice period.

Id struggle to remain with someone who did this to me and be supportive. If things were that bad he should have told you. He could also have gone to his GP and if necessary gone off sick until he felt able to cope with what was going on at work. Resigning with no other work to go to should have been a very last resort.

Seanymph

I don't believe him.

His money has been going somewhere else - he has run up credit debts, and his priority over the six months was not having an up to date cv but getting a new phone and contract you didn't know about.

He's lying about more than losing his job.