Husband just told me he's lost his job!

duchy

I do agree with you PaddysMum

Marriage is a contract that links a couple together financially-if the husband was the OP's business partner rather than her husband and there were financial irregularities in their business...No-one would question her right of full disclosure ....yet because it's a marriage they do ?

Saturnalia

I'm agreeing with Paddy's Mum again!

Privacy is one thing and I'm sure everyone must have a little thing or two they don't tell their partner.

However, when the secret being kept is actually a long chain of lies and deceit that has put the partner, the marriage, the house & family in jeopardy, then no, it is not a private matter!

Op, I'd agree with a lot of the other posters, get all statements, credit reports etc. and get advice to protect yourself and your home. Yes you need to find out where and with whom he's been spending his days (and your family money) but he's not up for telling the truth right now and that's for discussion once you've got yourself to a place of financial safety.

tinkerbell28

I think some posts take a great leap of faith here and are presuming he's telling the truth.

Considering he's been leading a lie for 6 months, that's a huge leap to make and presume he's being honest.

So he's been looking for work for 6 months without a CV? Yes ok then.

There are a lot of other things which have been covered.

But I think presuming he is now being upfront and honest and op should be just "letting it go" and supporting. Is naive in the extreme. Even if you ignore all the stuff that makes no sense.

He's been spending, lying and going somewhere for 6 months. Op has every right to know how, what, why, when. As if it ends up in divorce or his bankruptcy, he's dragged her and the family into it as it's not as simple as he's only got a little equity. It's potentially 50/50.

whitewing

The opening post does actually say that he has been leaving the house first thing but coming back during the day and then going back out again to 'come back from work'.

I think we all assumed that he was out all day as the daughter lived with them.

tinkerbell28

whitewing wrote: »

The opening post does actually say that he has been leaving the house first thing but coming back during the day and then going back out again to 'come back from work'.

I think we all assumed that he was out all day as the daughter lived with them.

He was out all day over the summer holidays and half term, which combined is nearly 2 months.

1sttimer_2

Leaving the money side of the relationship alone here and thinking of their everyday lives, how did nothing come amiss in their day to day talking not bring anything untowards something not being right?

My OH and I pass on loads of comments about our work, whether good or bad, and about other things that happen throughout the day. Was there none of that happening?

What about evenings/weekends/holidays. Had there been no talking between each other about what they will do at these times? The chance of the OP 'bumping' into her OH during the school holidays must have been a possibility if he was just walking the streets - or did he go out of town? Did they have no interaction with each other's work colleagues, and was there no mutual friends which may have seen/heard anything? This alone seems very strange to me and makes me think that there must be something more than just walking the streets.

On the money side of things, I don't have 100% knowledge of all our monetary dealings as I leave the majority of that to my OH, but he does tell me things, and I can access any of the accounts if I so choose, but, fortunately, nothing has gone awry on this score in our relationship, so I'm assuming that there has been nothing flagged up regarding their money situation.

I really do feel for you in this situation OP, but the reality is that he has 'cheated' on you in your partnership (not necessarily an affair cheating) and is now telling you that you are, somehow, party to this!

Good luck in whatever you do, but I fear that the trust you may have had in your OH, will be very, very hard to be recovered.

paddy's_mum

jacobwilson8 wrote: »

First of all try to sort out the situation with your husband


by saying that " let bygones be bygones"

I'm trying very hard to be nice to newbies. [STRIKE] With my teeth gritted[/STRIKE] I promise you that I am.

If you have actually read all that the OP has said, perhaps you could tell her, and us, how you sort out anything when the other person is digging in their heels and refusing to communicate anything like the whole story! Do you understand the concepts of 'misleading' 'secretiveness' and 'practice to deceive'? If you [STRIKE]cheated[/STRIKE] treated your employer like that, how long do you think it would be before you were out of a job and they were suing you for the financial losses you caused the company?

As for the bygones-be-bygones comment, I must remember to tell that to my friend the County Court judge when he next has to deal with someone who is refusing to answer the court's questions. No doubt he'll say to the miscreant "there, there, my little treasure, don't throw a tantrum" and not send the accused to jail for contempt.

Yeah, right.

Perhaps you're not aware that refusing to answer lawful questions is grounds for a police force, a jury or a court to assume the worst in most democratic countries around the world.

This husband is creating more suspicion, more damage and distress by keeping 'his business' private. There's a huge gulf between private and secret and the sooner he realises it and comes clean about all that has been going on, the sooner they can sort out the future.

TottyB

Sounds like your husband has been bullied at work - which can be so stressful, soul-destroying and can severely diminish one's self esteem. So for him to take the drastic (unwise) action, of just leaving like that, the ex-manager must have been a really, nasty piece of work. I've seen it happen so many times in the workplace.

However, I am not condoning his months of deception to you, but it is sad that he did not have the courage to confide in you regarding his difficulties at work. I am just wondering, whether your husband felt could not confide in you as he may have felt he would be 'less of man' or 'thought to be weak' which we know is clearly is not the case, but perhaps he should be reminded that 'a problem shared, is a problem solved' especially with his spouse. In addition, he could have contacted ACAS or the Citizen's Advice Bureau, whilst the bullying was going on, to get advice on techniques on how to tackle the ex-manager. Still, I think it's worth contacting ACAS, to see if anything can be done.

There have been other suggestions on this thread, that I will echo here: You could consider taking in a lodger, after your daughter has moved out.

One last thing: should he require a reference, could he not ask his previous workplace before the last one? Or another manager in the company, he left? Or, even Human Resources can have a general reference written for you. Sometimes, colleagues can give a reference too, but it all depends on the type of job.

FBaby

It is very possible that OP's OH spend day doing nothing at all sitting on a bench. He wouldn't be the first time doing it. The issue might not so much have been admitting the truth to his wife, but admitting it to himself in the first place. He could very well be seriously depressed to the point of going total off track, yet keeping up all appearances.

The only thing that is concerning though is the mobile phone. Why would he indeed want a new phone?

He might be trying to avoid talking about it all, but if I were OP, I wouldn't let him get away with it. He betrayed her by lying to her for so long, she more than deserves to know the truth if he wants her support. I wouldn't let his excuses of not wanting to be controlled get in the way, he has long lost the right to be trusted and to be entitled to privacy.

whitewing

New phone for job hunting without OP's knowledge?