Nervous breakdown.

lostinrates

Aileth,

Would you consider a relationship counsellor if you want to stay?

You sound like you are handling things in a good balanced way, which I find impressive tbh, but often once these hornets nests are poked things get worse before they get better. .

aileth

I'm not sure to be honest. The thought of it makes me squirm.

tayforth

aileth wrote: »

Yes, it was quite small one line responses. He tried to change the subject completely about him and how down he feels atm etc etc. He said he didn't realise about the money side, he thought that we were still splitting equally, didn't notice any discrepencies (Like lostinrates says though, it's as much a fault of mine for not noticing such a huge gulf, as I was paying the lion share when he had a crap job).

He offered to work out the money and pay his fair share, I said no, I'd work it out (for obvious reasons). He seemed a bit disbelieving that the difference was that much so I've printed out the direct debits lists for both accounts on my break.

Good for you.

I said to him that it's really putting me at the end of my tether when you offer to do things, promise to do them, and they don't get done, and instead I find out you've been on the computer all day, and that once or twice I've had to write you lists of things to do for your day so that you actually feel somewhat inclined to do them, to which he called them 'orders' and that I was treating him like a slave by writing a list out.

They're not orders, doesn't he feel that he should do his share of the chores? Is he happy for you to do it all? This is like something a sulky teenager would say.

I said I'm not, but if I don't ask him to do anything, nothing will ever get done. I said to him if I didn't cook, he'd starve. If I didn't wash, he'd smell more. If I didn't remind him to shower, he'd stink EVEN more. If I didn't remind him to cut the grass, it'd turn into a jungle. If I didn't remind him to get petrol (I forgot about this), he would end up stranded somewhere - this has happened multiple times btw and I have to check the fuel when we get in of a morning, sometimes I've got in and it's been running on fumes because he's 'not noticed.' That if I didn't organise the MOT and service, he would get the car taken off him because he would never thinkg to do it.... well lets just say the list goes on.

He didn't respond to any of that, except with a cryptic, "Well, I wouldn't eat for other reasons." I don't know whether he's trying to hint to some sort of eating disorder, but he is VERY normal weight and he doesn't go to the toilet straight after eating like he was throwing it up or whatever, and whenever I cook him something he wolfs it down.

I don't even know what to say to that. Sounds not just cryptic but also childish.

He suggested we meet for a meal in a restaurant tonight, which I declined because that's too public for such what I consider intimate matters.

And you're quite right.

I'm sure I've missed some things off!

I've replied inside your quoted text as it's easier.

paulineb_2

aileth wrote: »

He's being very evasive.

Doesnt really seem to be taking responsibility for his part in all of this does he? And blaming you for writing him lists?

Seriously, he needs to man up, realise he's messed up and take steps to putting things right.

Hopefully without him having to be prompted to or you to have to control every penny of his finances. I went out with two people, very short term relationships where their inability to manage money impacted on me greatly

Its an exhausting way to live, being with someone where you have to worry about every single aspect of their lives down to every spare penny, because they cant be trusted with cash, burns a hole in their pocket, cant have a credit card or its overspent

He spends money on his credit card but cant pay for his share of the wedding or the household bills and hes MOANING, because you ask him to do some household chores?

He needs to get real, maybe moving out for a bit or asking him to leave might make him realise you mean business. Or he might just lurch from one disaster to the next, but that wouldnt be your fault, it would be his own

Stop clearing up after his every move, he has to learn to take some responsibility for his life and if he wont, well you need to decide if you can carry on living like this.

lostinrates

I'm the list writer for weekend jobs in our house too.

DH did suggest once I was perhaps a little 'over ambitious' with my lists. And then I suggested he wrote the list. He enjoyed Saturday morning, walking around with the dogs, looking for things to do, ignoring any number of things that could be done. And then by Saturday night when we had done almost nothing he agreed that he wasn't really cut out for the task in the way I am.

BUT, my husband wouldn't not shower or wear filthy clothes, so it was a safe gamble to take.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

aileth wrote: »

I'm not sure to be honest. The thought of it makes me squirm.

Seriously - he sounds like lazy, self centred, passive aggressive scum. I'm willing to bet that he says a fair bit about about how scary it is where you are, tells you stories about awful things that happen in the area and dodgy looking callers - all to keep you scared that you can't manage without him. Much as an abuser convinces his/her partner that they can't function alone. In relation to the debts, look up 'financial abuse'. It's a well known method of control.


Depression is a genuine illness and I've known people who really can't cope with day to day life as a result of it - but none of them resort to 'I'm not a slave! It's soooooooooooooooo unfair!' once they get past the age of about 13 - he's pretty much complaining that you expect him to clean his bedroom.



I believe this is your lightbulb moment. He's a manchild who doesn't value you enough to be bothered with anything beyond his own desires.


You have been able to work (and get there on time), buy a house alone, pay the bills, keep the house running smoothly, look after yourself (and him) and do everything alone.


And now you're realising this, he's trying to control you again (bet he'd expect you to pay for it) and then throwing a tantrum. Next on the list will be sobs of 'I'm sooooooooooo depressed and you're making me feel soooooooooo unhappy'.



There's always an escape. You have the advantage of being very capable yourself, despite your fears/anxieties.


Imagine now, I'm standing by a door marked EXIT, holding it open. Do you want to walk through it?



And now imagine I'm standing by a window (fifth floor) with a stinking dumpster parked outside. The window is big enough to throw him out of it - and it's not as if he'll smell much worse after landing in it.


Do you want a hand with that dead weight?

kelpie35

Aileth I think you need to sit down tonight and let him know just how upset you are.

You need to make a list of all the urgent jobs that need doing now or in the next few days.

Then you need to let him know that if they are not done he will have to move out or you will be moving out.............then follow that through.

I think you might have given him too many excuses in the past but you now need to stand your ground.

You are the one who is feeling ill just now and who is going to look after you?

I have to agree with you that I think he is using the depression as an excuse.

If he was that depressed how can he manage to concentrate on computer game and wanting to eat out tonight.

Sorry if you don't like what I have posted but the only person that can change things is yourself.

aileth

Yes, I've told him he acts like a 13 year old teenage throwing a tantrum because mummy wants him to clean his room instead of playing video games more than once.

I've got home and he hasn't touched the kitchen and has apparently spent eight hours installing a hard wired Internet cable and taking a microwave to the tip. I bloody despair.

LannieDuck

If he doesn't want to be given a list of things to do, why not suggest he writes a list of chores for you both and divides it up between you. It would be interesting to see what he thinks a fair division of labour is.

Tell him you'll give him a week to see if he sticks to the list that he's created, and if at the end of the week he's still expecting you to do his half of the chores as well as your own, you'll want him to stay with friends/family for a while whilst you consider whether the relationship can work.

Misty_Blue

aileth wrote: »

He didn't respond to any of that, except with a cryptic, "Well, I wouldn't eat for other reasons."

Don't respond to that comment. Certainly don't ask him to explain it. That's what he wants.

I had a friend exactly like this. He'd once been diagnosed with depression / anxiety and he then thought he had a ready-made excuse for everything on earth. Nothing was ever his fault. No-one understood. He was just a self-pitying, lazy !!!!, to be quite frank.

He used to make cryptic comments similar to the above as well, hoping to inspire interest and sympathy. When he realised I was fed up with him and was starting to withdraw contact, he sent me a text out of the blue saying "Yeah, the chemo starts on Thursday. Feeling a bit rough but it will only get worse...." He then sent a text immediately afterwards saying "Sorry, I sent that to you by mistake!" Yeah, right. I didn't respond, and guess what? No chemo, no illness, just another pathetic attempt to make the world revolve around him.