Nervous breakdown.

aileth

Well, the saga continues....

I'm at my desk at work and literally holding back bursting into tears. I'm literally on the edge of a nervous breakdown. As many of you might remember, my OH suffers from depression, but which I have begun to be a bit skeptical of as he only raises the issue when he essentially gets an earful from me because he hasn't done things he promised to do, either from forgetting or putting video games first.

For the past two weeks or so, I've been asking him to do various bits that I can't (for example, our back garden currently looks like a rubbish tip due to stuff he's dumped there that need taking to the tip - I don't drive, so he needs to drive them to the tip) and he has constantly been promising the world and delivering nothing.

Another example, my parents were coming around for dinner friday. I did prep the couple of evenings before but still had to clean the house and finish off things. I asked him the night before whether I should prep a certain item or whether it's best to be prepped on the day, he said prep it on the day and offered/promised that he'd prep it on Friday morning as he didn't start work till 11-11.30, as I literally had only an hour from finishing to people arriving. Well, he didn't. He actually forgot he promised me anything. He said he had spent the whole two hours from getting up to leaving cleaning the kitchen for me, when in fact he had wiped once over the hob, nothing more.

Another example is cutting the grass. I can't use the lawnmower as I'm very little and it's really, really heavy for me, so that's 'his' job in the house. He promised to do it one day, I asked him the next, and the next, and the next. Four times after asking he had a tantrum and went and did it.

I can't count on both hands the things he's offered and promised to do to help me out that he just hasn't bothered doing, either because he's forgotten or because he has fobbed it off for playing video games. I'm a gamer myself, but we have had rats in the back garden due to how long some of the things needing to go to the tip have been there because he's fobbed it off for games.

I've text him as he's off today basically pleading with him to help me out, as I literally feel like I'm his mum and babysitter. He's been acting like a 13 year old lad (he's 30) who begrudingly is forced to do a spot of housework once in a while, but throws a strop because it takes him away from playing games.

I also have to look after both of our finances as he is incapable of doing that, and if I don't keep an eye on it he spirals into his overdraft and ends up incurring costs. I also can't count on both hands the amount of time I've had to warn him he's getting close to his limit (because he NEVER checks his bank) or bail him out with money so he doesn't go over the limit, rather than he get his sh*t in order and sort it himself.

I'm literally doing the thinking and handling the affairs, responsibilities and finances for two people and it's too much for me. I've told him so many times, and each time he doesn't seem to understand the stress I'm under, get all the 'I'll help and change' malarky, great for two weeks then I'm back to being his carer.

He doesn't do ANYTHING without me asking or prompting. I think he's simply go so used to me telling him what needs doing in the house that he's forgotten what self-thinking is, but if I stopped telling him the house would fall into disrepair.

He's just said to me he doesn't understand why I'm so short tempered and stressed all the time. Icing on the cake...

Sorry for the rant, I'm really upset right now.

Netwizard

Take his games console and offer to give it back when he has completed the jobs!!

On a more serious note, this sounds like a pretty one sided relationship. If its bad enough to be giving you a nervous breakdown, you need to have an open and honest discussion with him about the issues you have and where you seriously see this relationship going.

Either he puts you before his silly gaming, or your off for good. Stick to your guns

sassyblue

I'm sorry to read this OP, it sounds awful, l remember an earlier thread. Do you love him? Is there somewhere you or he can go it you decide to split?

It sounds like this situation has gone past a kick up the bum being required.

aileth

I love him, I can't imagine leaving him, but I can't take anymore. I could go to my parents, but I'd have to sleep on an airbed in their living room and it would be an hour commute to my work on expensive trains. My best friend lives even further away.

Lara44

I really recommend this book which is about 'depression fallout' in relationships when one party is depressed. It certainly does change the dynamics of relationships. It can be tough to get through everyday life when the weight of things once shared fall on you, as you are obviously finding. Acceptance of the situation is your friend right now. As is knowing that things will eventually improve. Plus a big lot of not sweating the small stuff.

Depression can seem like laziness but it isn't. My OH went through a period of work stress burnout and it took me a while to really get into his shoes and understand what it's like to have zero energy or desire for life. It was very out of character for him. I found a few things helpful. Firstly knowing that other people were in my situation. Secondly digging deeper inside myself for more compassion and empathy and just giving that to him as a big gift. Thirdly, doing what pleased myself. If your OH doesn't feel like going out, let him stay home. But still go out and have a great time yourself. This is the way that you can keep some boundaries in place between the two of you, and get your own energy and enjoyment out of other things. In the end I did lots of things that I enjoyed and found fulfilling during that period.

I'm pleased to report my OH recovered and took steps to prevent that from happening again. We are very happy together.

ETA: I haven't read any of your other threads. If this is an ongoing thing, my advice might not be as relevant.

aileth

I honestly don't think these things are linked to his depression. It actually feels like he is taking me as the fool and taking the p*ss. He KNOWS what needs to be done in the house, but he makes the active decision to procrastinate and play video games, spend seven hours on them, and then forget that it needs doing. I might've phrased the OP wrong, I'm sorry I'm in a muddle.

When he first got told he had depression, I was incredibly compassionate, empathetic, I supported him so, so much. I started doing everything for him to take things off his mind. Now the way he's acting and how things are going, I feel like he is majorly taking advantage of me. The hallmarks of his depression are gone and I honestly can't see himself how he was when he was diagnosed.

HPoirot

Hi I remember the previous thread too.

I agree with what Netwizard says. A frank and open discussion, if you take away the chores, what is there between you? A carer or parent relationship is not good enough, even less a parent with a little boy who offers promises constantly and then promptly forgets about them.

I also can't help feeling there is a gaming addiction thing going on rather than depression?

LannieDuck

You dont have a partner, you have a child. If you're both working similar hours, then he doesn't do household chores to 'help out'. He does them because he's an equal part of the relationship and housework stopped being 'women's work' decades ago.

I don't know what to suggest, except to stop asking him to 'help you', and start expecting him to do his share. If he doesn't there need to be consequences for him and I'm not sure how best to ensure that. Perhaps he needs to start paying for a cleaner out of his 'spending' money. But since he often goes into the red anyway that's unlikely to help.

The end point is that you need to stop bailing him out and ensure he gets some of the consequences of his laziness, but how you do that in practise is more difficult. I would probably try a strike of sorts. Since he doesn't do anything to 'help out' around the home, I would stop too. Just look after yourself - your own cooking, washing, finances. And leave him to sort himself out. If he goes into his overdraft, he'll need to ebay some of his possessions to cover it. You'll need to be firm, but I think he needs a reality check.

paddy's_mum

Why not get him to read your opening post?

Sometimes, seeing things down in black and white has a way of getting through that speaking can't achieve. The written word has a funny little habit of lodging in the brain and popping 'before your eyes' when you least want it to.

If nothing else, reading your eloquent and clearly heartfelt plea means that he cannot ever say that he didn't know or understand your viewpoint.

I'd also add that if you are this close to distraught, you need to take a few days away to care for yourself. The way you are living is extremely unhealthy. You need the relief of a safety valve before your boiler blows!

Perhaps having a few days on his own might just shake his ideas up a bit and cause him to put a value on you.

Has he got parents or siblings who might give him a bit of a talking to, pointing out just what his unconcern is risking?

I feel for you. Good luck.

Blackpool_Saver

I know this so well, it's like living with a teenager, 30 is still young for a man, they grow up very slowly and some never grow up. How was he raised? was his mother always behind him like you are? has he EVER really been like a fully functioning adult?

Mojisola

aileth wrote: »

I love him

Does he love you?