Nervous breakdown.

aileth

LannieDuck wrote: »

You dont have a partner, you have a child. If you're both working similar hours, then he doesn't do household chores to 'help out'. He does them because he's an equal part of the relationship and housework stopped being 'women's work' decades ago.

I don't know what to suggest, except to stop asking him to 'help you', and start expecting him to do his share. If he doesn't there need to be consequences for him and I'm not sure how best to ensure that. Perhaps he needs to start paying for a cleaner out of his 'spending' money. But since he often goes into the red anyway that's unlikely to help.

In short, you need to stop bailing him out and ensure he gets some of the consequences of his laziness. How you do that in practise is more difficult. I would probably try a strike of sorts. Since he doesn't do anything to 'help out' around the home, I would stop too. Just look after yourself - your own cooking, washing, finances. And leave him to sort himself out. If he goes into his overdraft, he'll need to ebay some of his possessions to cover it. You'll need to be firm, but I think he needs a reality check.

I've really thought about doing this, but it makes me feel just as childish as he's being if I'm only cooking and washing for myself. It'll also have consequences as he doesn't wash some items of clothing for MONTHS until I manage to wrangle it off him and wash them for him.

The last time I went on a mini strike, the whole house stunk of BO because he puts video gaming over showering a lot of the time, and couple that with no clothes being washed, well.....

aileth

Mojisola wrote: »

Does he love you?

He says he does, but I don't know. He probably loves me for making his life cushy, but not as a wife. I don't feel like a wife.

HPoirot

LannieDuck wrote: »

I would probably try a strike of sorts. Since he doesn't do anything to 'help out' around the home, I would stop too. Just look after yourself - your own cooking, washing, finances. And leave him to sort himself out. If he goes into his overdraft, he'll need to ebay some of his possessions to cover it. You'll need to be firm, but I think he needs a reality check.

^^^^^ this.

aileth

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

I know this so well, it's like living with a teenager, 30 is still young for a man, they grow up very slowly and some never grow up. How was he raised? was his mother always behind him like you are? has he EVER really been like a fully functioning adult?

He only lived with his mum growing up and had a fairly tough childhood, but yes most things were done for him. His ex-wife did EVERYTHING for him as well, including taking care of his finances. She left him because she received no support. Honestly, I thought it was nasty of her to begin with, but I'm actually starting to think she had a point.

aileth

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Has he got parents or siblings who might give him a bit of a talking to, pointing out just what his unconcern is risking?

I've talked to his mum and dad before. They've had literally a couple of sentence discussion with him before where he has said he's doing his fair share, they've accepted it and that's been that.

tayforth

((((Hugs)))) aileth. What a horrible, stressful situation to be in. You must feel so frustrated and taken for granted. I really feel for you.

There has been some great advice so far, but I think that LannieDuck has hit the nail on the head here. Sounds like it's time for tough love (and a break for you before you explode).

xxx

LannieDuck wrote: »

You dont have a partner, you have a child. If you're both working similar hours, then he doesn't do household chores to 'help out'. He does them because he's an equal part of the relationship and housework stopped being 'women's work' decades ago.

I don't know what to suggest, except to stop asking him to 'help you', and start expecting him to do his share. If he doesn't there need to be consequences for him and I'm not sure how best to ensure that. Perhaps he needs to start paying for a cleaner out of his 'spending' money. But since he often goes into the red anyway that's unlikely to help.

The end point is that you need to stop bailing him out and ensure he gets some of the consequences of his laziness, but how you do that in practise is more difficult. I would probably try a strike of sorts. Since he doesn't do anything to 'help out' around the home, I would stop too. Just look after yourself - your own cooking, washing, finances. And leave him to sort himself out. If he goes into his overdraft, he'll need to ebay some of his possessions to cover it. You'll need to be firm, but I think he needs a reality check.

Blackpool_Saver

aileth wrote: »

I've talked to his mum and dad before. They've had literally a couple of sentence discussion with him before where he has said he's doing his fair share, they've accepted it and that's been that.

enablers through unconditional love, they expect you to be the same, deep down I am sure they know you will leave like the last ex did

Blackpool_Saver

What is he like with you when you stop enabling him/just look after yourself.........does he ever turn nasty?

Mojisola

aileth wrote: »

He says he does, but I don't know. He probably loves me for making his life cushy, but not as a wife. I don't feel like a wife.

aileth wrote: »

He only lived with his mum growing up and had a fairly tough childhood, but yes most things were done for him. His ex-wife did EVERYTHING for him as well, including taking care of his finances. She left him because she received no support. Honestly, I thought it was nasty of her to begin with, but I'm actually starting to think she had a point.

You know how this is going to end, don't you?

Why keep dragging it out?

paddy's_mum

So he's a liar as well, then.

Aileth - this is not depression as I understand it. It's dishonesty on a grand scale and you are the one paying the price for it.

In your shoes, I think I'd be making arrangements to be the second ex-wife.

You MUST take steps to protect your mental health because, sadly, this could all too easily end up destroying you.

I'm sorry for your trouble.