Nervous breakdown.

tayforth

lostinrates wrote: »

But, with all due respect, the same could be said about op....that she must have realised her part of their outgoings were disproportionate and so while she says she ' hasn't noticed' and it got this way because of events around time of marriage and getting together it remains the fact that BOTH of them have had disproportionate outgoings that have gone unnoticed and unchallenged BY BOTH OF THEM.

This site is full of people who have NO IDEA of their outgoings, expenditure and debts and have found them selves in unenviable positions because of it, and financial education is a huge part of the founder's mantra. Its totally believable to me that BOTH op and her partner have just been blind to the reality here.

I'm inclined to think that aileth did realise, but subconsciously decided not to bring it up, whether because of the depression, or because it would be too much hassle, or it would cause an argument etc.

Although my ex's behaviour was different to aileth's OH, I've been there - you're walking on eggshells and even the thought of bringing up a tricky subject like money makes you feel apprehensive. You just know how it's going to go - and it's not going to be pleasant - and you're tired - so you leave it for now. And then you leave it for a little longer...

HPoirot

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

I have read the 1st page, but not the others.

As we are unqualified to diagnose the presence of depression, I'd suggest you go Into "Intervention MODE" ....

You need a concerned third party, to be present.

You need to state your case.

The CASE as I see it.

Husband might have depression, or might be depressed, or might have just lost direction, or ius just lazy.

If he has depression, then the Computer games and TV need to go, and he needs a small task list for each day. Perhaps even an hourly timetable.

The inintial intervention is that he agrees in front of the third party to start pulling his weight.

When you come home each day, you go through the task list and you don't comment on why it hasn't been completed, but you start with the highest priority job, and you start that task, and you make him participate with the completion.

For example. You mention the garden. You hand him the car keys and get him to reverse the car closer to the back garden, and then you start picking up and handing him Items to put in the boot, and start putting things in the boot yourself. When the boot is full, the local tip will be closed, it will be dark, so you can add item 1 to the list for tomoorow is empty the car at tip....

Then you move on to item 2, and work your way through, handing him stuff to put away, passing him cleaning clothes. Assuming the list was 6 hours of work, and you get home at say 6pm, you'll finish by 9pm if you get him pulling his weight. Whatever, it will takev until 10pm. Keep him working until it's finished. At 10pm say....Well I was going to suggest going out for a meal, a nice drink and a bit of "the other", but I'm too tired to do anything. .... make 2 slices of toast and a pot of tea, and call him to the kitchen table for tea... (YOU need to make sure you had a good lunch to survive til 10pm..)
Point out clearly that you have just spent 4 hours doing what he promised to do, and you expect better tomorrow, because you are not impressed. Spend 10 mins making a list for day 2, and repeat...

Get home from work, get the hoover out and get him doing the stairs whilst you clean the bathroom (my wife reckons to be too feeble to do our stairs, because the dyson is too heavy) . Keep it up until he gets the message..

We can't go to bed until the sheets are washed dryed and ironed and put back on the bed.
We can't make tea, until the bin is empty, all the washing up is done, the fridge cleaned, the cooker cleaned, etc etc.

Each night finish at 10pm with a pot of tea and 2 slices of toast, and point out that he had all day, and does he think that is fair? and make the list for the next day.

If this is what's needed then it's best he joins the army or goes back to his mother. :eek:

aileth

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

I have read the 1st page, but not the others.

As we are unqualified to diagnose the presence of depression, I'd suggest you go Into "Intervention MODE" ....

You need a concerned third party, to be present.

You need to state your case.

The CASE as I see it.

Husband might have depression, or might be depressed, or might have just lost direction, or ius just lazy.

If he has depression, then the Computer games and TV need to go, and he needs a small task list for each day. Perhaps even an hourly timetable.

The inintial intervention is that he agrees in front of the third party to start pulling his weight.

When you come home each day, you go through the task list and you don't comment on why it hasn't been completed, but you start with the highest priority job, and you start that task, and you make him participate with the completion.

For example. You mention the garden. You hand him the car keys and get him to reverse the car closer to the back garden, and then you start picking up and handing him Items to put in the boot, and start putting things in the boot yourself. When the boot is full, the local tip will be closed, it will be dark, so you can add item 1 to the list for tomoorow is empty the car at tip....

Then you move on to item 2, and work your way through, handing him stuff to put away, passing him cleaning clothes. Assuming the list was 6 hours of work, and you get home at say 6pm, you'll finish by 9pm if you get him pulling his weight. Whatever, it will takev until 10pm. Keep him working until it's finished. At 10pm say....Well I was going to suggest going out for a meal, a nice drink and a bit of "the other", but I'm too tired to do anything. .... make 2 slices of toast and a pot of tea, and call him to the kitchen table for tea... (YOU need to make sure you had a good lunch to survive til 10pm..)
Point out clearly that you have just spent 4 hours doing what he promised to do, and you expect better tomorrow, because you are not impressed. Spend 10 mins making a list for day 2, and repeat...

Get home from work, get the hoover out and get him doing the stairs whilst you clean the bathroom (my wife reckons to be too feeble to do our stairs, because the dyson is too heavy) . Keep it up until he gets the message..

We can't go to bed until the sheets are washed dryed and ironed and put back on the bed.
We can't make tea, until the bin is empty, all the washing up is done, the fridge cleaned, the cooker cleaned, etc etc.

Each night finish at 10pm with a pot of tea and 2 slices of toast, and point out that he had all day, and does he think that is fair? and make the list for the next day.

I have done this recently with giving him a list of jobs to do to keep him busy. I brought that up in the email today and he had a go at me about giving him a list of 'orders' to do and making him my 'slave', even though I was either doing them with him (at weekend) OR when I came home (if he was off) I'd do exactly the same amount getting home.

tayforth

HPoirot wrote: »

If this is what's needed then it's best he joins the army or goes back to his mother. :eek:

I'm inclines to agree. Sounds like a PT job on top of a FT job!

aileth wrote: »

I have done this recently with giving him a list of jobs to do to keep him busy on his day off. I brought that up in the email today and he had a go at me about giving him a list of 'orders' to do and making him my 'slave', even though I was either doing them with him OR when I came home (if he was off) I'd do exactly the same amount getting home.

Why am I not surprised to read this?

Has he replied to your email then?

lostinrates

tayforth wrote: »

I'm inclined to think that aileth did realise, but subconsciously decided not to bring it up, whether because of the depression, or because it would be too much hassle, or it would cause an argument etc.

Although my ex's behaviour was different to aileth's OH, I've been there - you're walking on eggshells and even the thought of bringing up a tricky subject like money makes you feel apprehensive. You just know how it's going to go - and it's not going to be pleasant - and you're tired - so you leave it for now. And then you leave it for a little longer...

Then Aileth needs to be clear to herself with that.

As I said to you to tayforth, been in a nasty relationship only once, when I realised woke up and got out, and yes, there was some walking on eggshells while getting out, and I know for others there is years of it, and some self delusion. But if that's the case thats also a case of two people to tango to a degree?

Very clearly communication is not great here, and she is not being treated fairly, whether or not the guy is ill, because if he is I'll but actively seeking help its much easier for those around to take heart, but ill and making no effort ever is hard on others. But Aileth is saying clearly to us where she is being helped and supported well, so far as I can see, , that both of them have failed to make correct realisation.

And that's pretty normal. Its very rare one person is perfect and the other a total failure!

bargainbetty

With regard to your bank accounts, this is a concern. His old credit card, if fully in his name, is not your problem. The joint account and any shared credit is.

If you have a joint credit card - freeze it immediately. Cut up the cards and make sure he pays a sum towards it into your account every month. If he is a named cardholder on your personal account, cancel it today. One of the conditions for your remaining together as a couple might need to be him taking on his own debts and responsibilities, and not expecting you to bail him out any more. (Get him to apply for a card in his name with a balance transfer and get it out of your name.

Close that joint account. Do whatever you have to do, but tell him that he gets his salary, a sum of it goes to the household bills (that you control) and after that he is on his own. Protect yourself.

By the way, I love your 'ship has sailed' comment. I used to have a lodger who had mental health problems, and would routinely use them to explain everything. It was a constant refrain 'You don't understand, I'm mentally ill.' This was used from anything from why he was smoking pot in my living room to why he hadn't remembered to buy milk or cook dinner when it was his turn. He said it, then whinged it, then shouted it ' You don't understand. I'm mentally ill!'

Until the day I shouted back 'Well that's a shame, because you're also an a**ehole.'

aileth

tayforth wrote: »

I'm inclines to agree. Sounds like a PT job on top of a FT job!




Why am I not surprised to read this?

Has he replied to your email then?

Yes, it was quite small one line responses. He tried to change the subject completely about him and how down he feels atm etc etc. He said he didn't realise about the money side, he thought that we were still splitting equally, didn't notice any discrepencies (Like lostinrates says though, it's as much a fault of mine for not noticing such a huge gulf, as I was paying the lion share when he had a crap job).

He offered to work out the money and pay his fair share, I said no, I'd work it out (for obvious reasons). He seemed a bit disbelieving that the difference was that much so I've printed out the direct debits lists for both accounts on my break.

I said to him that it's really putting me at the end of my tether when you offer to do things, promise to do them, and they don't get done, and instead I find out you've been on the computer all day, and that once or twice I've had to write you lists of things to do for your day so that you actually feel somewhat inclined to do them, to which he called them 'orders' and that I was treating him like a slave by writing a list out.

I said I'm not, but if I don't ask him to do anything, nothing will ever get done. I said to him if I didn't cook, he'd starve. If I didn't wash, he'd smell more. If I didn't remind him to shower, he'd stink EVEN more. If I didn't remind him to cut the grass, it'd turn into a jungle. If I didn't remind him to get petrol (I forgot about this), he would end up stranded somewhere - this has happened multiple times btw and I have to check the fuel when we get in of a morning, sometimes I've got in and it's been running on fumes because he's 'not noticed.' That if I didn't organise the MOT and service, he would get the car taken off him because he would never thinkg to do it.... well lets just say the list goes on.

He didn't respond to any of that, except with a cryptic, "Well, I wouldn't eat for other reasons." I don't know whether he's trying to hint to some sort of eating disorder, but he is VERY normal weight and he doesn't go to the toilet straight after eating like he was throwing it up or whatever, and whenever I cook him something he wolfs it down.

He suggested we meet for a meal in a restaurant tonight, which I declined because that's too public for such what I consider intimate matters.

I'm sure I've missed some things off!

HPoirot

Is he taking your email seriously then?

CRANKY40

aileth wrote: »

I have done this recently with giving him a list of jobs to do to keep him busy. I brought that up in the email today and he had a go at me about giving him a list of 'orders' to do and making him my 'slave', even though I was either doing them with him (at weekend) OR when I came home (if he was off) I'd do exactly the same amount getting home.

Tell him that in most households it's known as "Doing your fair share of the jobs".

Did you really open a joint account with him and transfer his overdraft to it :eek: You do realise that the bank will not remove your name until the overdraft is paid off? My dad had to pay back all the money my mum spent on their joint account when she left before the bank transferred the account to his sole name. Luckily mum gave him her debit card back before she went so he knew he just had to pay it off and she wouldn't be spending money as fast as he was putting it in.

aileth

HPoirot wrote: »

Is he taking your email seriously then?

He's being very evasive.