Nervous breakdown.

pmlindyloo

During the last number of posts the problem of his depression seems to have been missed.

I think that this is something that needs to be addressed. Is he depressed or just an idle ****?

I was reading this article

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/living_depressed_person.htm

and so much of what is said seems to relate to your OH and yourself. Of course, much of it you have tried already.

The other thing that struck me was your remark about your being a gamer yourself and the part in the article which recommends your looking after yourself and leading a very healthy life style. (Read it and you will see what I mean)

Of course I have no idea whether your OH is depressed or not.

Living with a depressed person is incredibly difficult and only you can make the decision as to what to do - stay and work at it or leave.

Whatever you choose to do is obviously up to you but you say you 'love him'. Do you or are you afraid of leaving and being on your own?

To be honest I suspect you are either staying because you are afraid of leaving or else, deep down, you worry that he is depressed and want to continue to support him.

I do not think he will change either way other than in the short term.

If you do decide to stay because you deep down believe that he is depressed then please seek some help for yourself.

tayforth

pingufan wrote: »

Yes, he used to do the same when he could see I'd reached the end of my rope. There comes point though when any amount of wheedling just sickens you further. Maybe you havent reached that point then!

This is true. My ex used to be a total nightmare, then fall over himself to make it up to me every so often. I fell for it more times than I care to admit. But yes, by the end, NOTHING could have persuaded me to give him another hearing.

aileth wrote: »

I've told him I have no interest going to a restaurant as I don't want, and I'm sure he doesn't, half of the city finding out what a scumbag he has been. It might clear the restaurant out if they hear sometimes he doesn't shower for a week.

I've calculated all of the outgoings and have written down exactly what he should be transferring to me each month. I'm worrying now though as it's going to make him very broke what with his overdraft.

He even said to me that he's always thought we were splitting half. That shows how much he checks his finances. The last time we did a proper halfway split was almost three years ago when we lived in rented accomodation. He has had no idea that I've been paying 75% of the household for almost three years.

With all due respect to your OH, this is utter boll*ocks. He knew well that he wasn't paying his share if his total outgoings were only £337 a month. Who did he think paid the mortgage and all the other stuff??? And the wedding???

And stop worrying about him. If he needs to tighten his belt for a while and forgo a few games, so be it. He owes you a LOT of money - and, if you're going to stay with him, make sure that you get it. Keep it in an account where he can't get at it.

paulineb_2

tayforth wrote: »

This is true. My ex used to be a total nightmare, then fall over himself to make it up to me every so often. I fell for it more times than I care to admit. But yes, by the end, NOTHING could have persuaded me to give him another hearing.




With all due respect to your OH, this is utter boll*ocks. He knew well that he wasn't paying his share if his total outgoings were only £337 a month. Who did he think paid the mortgage and all the other stuff??? And the wedding???

And stop worrying about him. If he needs to tighten his belt for a while and forgo a few games, so be it. He owes you a LOT of money - and, if you're going to stay with him, make sure that you get it. Keep it in an account where he can't get at it.

I totally agree. He may not have known just how much you were paying out, but he certainly knew how little he was paying out.

aileth

I don't know if he is depressed anymore if I'm honest. What makes me question it or be skeptical is simply that he isn't the same now as he was when he was depressed. It was so face-smackingly obvious when he was, and I literally went out of my way to help when he was diagnosed.

I would write notes on the blackboard to help him remember things as it caused him to be forgetful, I would be reinforcing him, I'd book doctor's appointments for him, remind him to take medication, and was very understanding and empethetic.

Recently, his behaviour has been that of what I'd say was before the depression. He has always been forgetful, it got worse during the depression, but the forgetfulness now feels more carelessness than actually genuine. He has been really upbeat and enthusiastic, has been doing exercise etc and planning things out of the house, all of which were miles away when he was diagnosed.

I think a lot of the habits he got into when he was depressed have carried through as he's broken free, for example expecting me to remember and do everything for him, not showering, being able to get away with fobbing things off for video games.

To be honest, he has always had a bit of it, always being useless with money, forgetful, expecting me to remember things for him, putting video games first, even before his depression, but now it is amplified times ten and that's what has caused me to snap, because it really feels like he's majorly taking the p*ss.

tayforth

pingufan wrote: »

Yes, I must have married him too!

Why is it they don't shower? WHY?

Another memory is of him scooting out of bed (again with no clothes on) and leaving a lovely brown streak across my nice clean bed.

Utter pig.

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

aileth wrote: »

Unfortunately, it's not. His account is a joint account. This is going to sound awful, but I made him get a joint account attached to me so that I could see it on my internet banking and transfer him bail-out money easier, after all his lies about finances came out (e.g. signing up for an internet dongle costing £60 a month so he could get a free laptop which he then hid at work and I had no idea). He racked up loads of debt, so I made him get the joint account.

Didn't help much as he then transferred his balance from his credit card to a 0% for 18 months card to help 'pay it off' and simply increased the debt again on his old credit card behind my back.

This is my opinion. If he has been racking up this overdraft, then HE needs to pay it off. When it's paid, close that account. Don't have any further joint finances with him, don't bail him out. Get him to pay his way, and pay you back what he owes you. Cut back his spending to the bone to achieve this. eBay his stuff if necessary. He needs a massive kick up the a.r.s.e!!!!

And hold onto your anger, it'll do you good!

lostinrates

tayforth wrote: »

With all due respect to your OH, this is utter boll*ocks. He knew well that he wasn't paying his share if his total outgoings were only £337 a month. Who did he think paid the mortgage and all the other stuff??? And the wedding???

And stop worrying about him. If he needs to tighten his belt for a while and forgo a few games, so be it. He owes you a LOT of money - and, if you're going to stay with him, make sure that you get it. Keep it in an account where he can't get at it.

But, with all due respect, the same could be said about op....that she must have realised her part of their outgoings were disproportionate and so while she says she ' hasn't noticed' and it got this way because of events around time of marriage and getting together it remains the fact that BOTH of them have had disproportionate outgoings that have gone unnoticed and unchallenged BY BOTH OF THEM.

This site is full of people who have NO IDEA of their outgoings, expenditure and debts and have found them selves in unenviable positions because of it, and financial education is a huge part of the founder's mantra. Its totally believable to me that BOTH op and her partner have just been blind to the reality here.

paulineb_2

aileth wrote: »

I don't know if he is depressed anymore if I'm honest. What makes me question it or be skeptical is simply that he isn't the same now as he was when he was depressed. It was so face-smackingly obvious when he was, and I literally went out of my way to help when he was diagnosed.

I would write notes on the blackboard to help him remember things as it caused him to be forgetful, I would be reinforcing him, I'd book doctor's appointments for him, remind him to take medication, and was very understanding and empethetic.

Recently, his behaviour has been that of what I'd say was before the depression. He has always been forgetful, it got worse during the depression, but the forgetfulness now feels more carelessness than actually genuine. He has been really upbeat and enthusiastic, has been doing exercise etc and planning things out of the house, all of which were miles away when he was diagnosed.

I think a lot of the habits he got into when he was depressed have carried through as he's broken free, for example expecting me to remember and do everything for him, not showering, being able to get away with fobbing things off for video games.

To be honest, he has always had a bit of it, always being useless with money, forgetful, expecting me to remember things for him, putting video games first, even before his depression, but now it is amplified times ten and that's what has caused me to snap, because it really feels like he's majorly taking the p*ss.

I youve think done a lot more than shown understanding and empathy.
Id never take anyones depression lightly and you certainly havent.

But hes just slipped into the Im feeling better now mood, without doing any of the chores. He really does have it very cushy indeed.

Blackbeard_of_Perranporth

There is no word can't. You have to decide what you want.

Prothet_of_Doom

I have read the 1st page, but not the others.

As we are unqualified to diagnose the presence of depression, I'd suggest you go Into "Intervention MODE" ....

You need a concerned third party, to be present.

You need to state your case.

The CASE as I see it.

Husband might have depression, or might be depressed, or might have just lost direction, or ius just lazy.

If he has depression, then the Computer games and TV need to go, and he needs a small task list for each day. Perhaps even an hourly timetable.

The inintial intervention is that he agrees in front of the third party to start pulling his weight.

When you come home each day, you go through the task list and you don't comment on why it hasn't been completed, but you start with the highest priority job, and you start that task, and you make him participate with the completion.

For example. You mention the garden. You hand him the car keys and get him to reverse the car closer to the back garden, and then you start picking up and handing him Items to put in the boot, and start putting things in the boot yourself. When the boot is full, the local tip will be closed, it will be dark, so you can add item 1 to the list for tomoorow is empty the car at tip....

Then you move on to item 2, and work your way through, handing him stuff to put away, passing him cleaning clothes. Assuming the list was 6 hours of work, and you get home at say 6pm, you'll finish by 9pm if you get him pulling his weight. Whatever, it will takev until 10pm. Keep him working until it's finished. At 10pm say....Well I was going to suggest going out for a meal, a nice drink and a bit of "the other", but I'm too tired to do anything. .... make 2 slices of toast and a pot of tea, and call him to the kitchen table for tea... (YOU need to make sure you had a good lunch to survive til 10pm..)
Point out clearly that you have just spent 4 hours doing what he promised to do, and you expect better tomorrow, because you are not impressed. Spend 10 mins making a list for day 2, and repeat...

Get home from work, get the hoover out and get him doing the stairs whilst you clean the bathroom (my wife reckons to be too feeble to do our stairs, because the dyson is too heavy) . Keep it up until he gets the message..

We can't go to bed until the sheets are washed dryed and ironed and put back on the bed.
We can't make tea, until the bin is empty, all the washing up is done, the fridge cleaned, the cooker cleaned, etc etc.

Each night finish at 10pm with a pot of tea and 2 slices of toast, and point out that he had all day, and does he think that is fair? and make the list for the next day.

HPoirot

1.OP I think it would be best if you convinced him to transfer his overdrafts onto another card, and in his own name this time.
2.And if I were you I would start adding up all your bail-out money and make sure he pays you back.

However if both the above seem a bit too harsh, then definitely go for 1.