Nervous breakdown.

bargainbetty

aileth wrote: »

He's asked me out for a meal tonight to talk about things and offered to split the finances - done a total 180. I'm not so sure I want to rip his b*llocks off in front of a whole restaurant though.

Oh, I don't know. Make sure you've eaten your dessert and just throw the coffee in his face.

If he is willing to pay more, then tell him to set up a standing order into your account and keep the bills under your control. Note the sums you have spent bailing him out and accept those as repayments too.

Tell him that he is going to do his fair share, give him a list it he is too 'forgetful' to remember his chores and most of all look after himself and pull his head out of his a**e. Showering once a day, surely, at a minimum. Scaly beast.

Good luck xx

It sounds really pathetic, and as much as part of me wants to leave, another part doesn't, that part is the part that loves him but also the part that is scared. I'm scared I won't find someone else, I'm scared that I have to stay in this house until it sells as I can't afford anywhere in the meantime, I can't stay with my parents because I wouldn't be able to afford the hour commute.

Just saw this. I was scared. I haven't found a long term relationship since then, he has remarried (to a woman who was already a mum). You can beef up your security. You can invite a friend to stay. You can sell up and move on. This is why I said look in the mirror and decide which is scarier. This life, or that life.

What is 'that life' I hear you ask? Whatever you damn well want to make of it. It can involve him, but on equal terms and with you getting the respect and support that you have every right to expect. Or without him, with you getting on with your life on your terms and discovering all manner of new and wonderful things. You know you don't want this life anymore. It is up to you what that life will be.

Your destiny. Your happiness. Your hands.

PM me if you need a virtual hug.

CRANKY40

Why would you want to go out for a meal with him? You need to take him home and tell him like it is. Make a list of all the jobs that need doing in the house each week/month and agree whose responsibility they are and when they are that person's responsibility. Make it known that personal hygiene is an issue and will be required to be kept to a decent standard as long as he wants to live in your house.

That's if you want to. Myself, I'd go with bargainbetty's suggestion of sending him elsewhere and letting him show that he deserves to be living with you if you still want him to when the trial separation has ended. You are worth so much more than the way he is treating you at the moment would suggest.

tea_lover

On a practical note, do your local police do home security checks? (ours used to, not sure anymore but might be worth asking).

It may help put your mind at ease to have someone check the place, and possibly give you suggestions.

CRANKY40

p.s. If you don't like living on your own get a lodger. Income from renting a room is tax free up to an annual rental income of £4250

HPoirot

OP, what will you say if he comes up with the old "it wasn't me, it was the depression" again?

aileth

I've told him I have no interest going to a restaurant as I don't want, and I'm sure he doesn't, half of the city finding out what a scumbag he has been. It might clear the restaurant out if they hear sometimes he doesn't shower for a week.

I've calculated all of the outgoings and have written down exactly what he should be transferring to me each month. I'm worrying now though as it's going to make him very broke what with his overdraft.

He even said to me that he's always thought we were splitting half. That shows how much he checks his finances. The last time we did a proper halfway split was almost three years ago when we lived in rented accomodation. He has had no idea that I've been paying 75% of the household for almost three years.

fake_smile

aileth wrote: »

.

He went away for a business trip once and I checked the locks around the house about 12 times before going to bed, left all the lights on in the house, and I had to down a bottle of wine to help me sleep (it knocks me out), and even then I was waking up thinking I'd heard someone every hour.

I know it sounds really stupid as being counted as one of the reasons for not leaving someone, but I'd like to be open and honest.

Trust me I have been here. I moved into what was probably the worst area in my town and I slept with the tv and lights on for about a month after I left my ex. You get used to it. I left for similar reasons to you. It's hard to break free from something so comfortable but can you see yourself living like this for the next 40 years? Because believe me when I say he won't change

paulineb_2

aileth wrote: »

This is going to sound really, really daft, but one of the reasons I'm scared of leaving him is the area we live in. It's really rough, and I've been exposed to a lot in my line of work and I'm incredibly terrified of burglars and the like. One of the reasons I like having him there is a security of sorts, even though I know deep down if he had the choice of jumping in front of a burglar's club and saving me from the hit or not, he would never, ever do it. He'd more likely to run and leave me there.

It sounds really pathetic, and as much as part of me wants to leave, another part doesn't, that part is the part that loves him but also the part that is scared. I'm scared I won't find someone else, I'm scared that I have to stay in this house until it sells as I can't afford anywhere in the meantime, I can't stay with my parents because I wouldn't be able to afford the hour commute.

He went away for a business trip once and I checked the locks around the house about 12 times before going to bed, left all the lights on in the house, and I had to down a bottle of wine to help me sleep (it knocks me out), and even then I was waking up thinking I'd heard someone every hour.

I know it sounds really stupid as being counted as one of the reasons for not leaving someone, but I'd like to be open and honest.

I live in a rough area too, but nothing would make me stay in a relationship that clearly wasnt working even so. And Ive lived alone in this rough area for almost 20 years and at times its been tough, but Id say you are looking for reasons to stay or have him stay

And thats ok. Youve posted a lot about your husband, other issues he needs support with. You are very much in a supportive and stressful role and you are getting very little, practically nothing back.

You work out what you want to do first, worrying about where you or he lives comes later.

aileth

HPoirot wrote: »

OP, what will you say if he comes up with the old "it wasn't me, it was the depression" again?

"Stuff the crap because that ship has sailed a long time ago."

I've brought up him using depression as an excuse and he hasn't argued my conclusion. He totally glazed over it.

aileth

I know I said I loved him and everything I've said so far has just been really nasty, but I'm a bit upset and having a real rant and dig at him!