Nervous breakdown.

tayforth

Birdie85 wrote: »

Yeah, that would have been worse than the housework thing for me!

I only mentioned trying to write things down as I'm trying to view it from a more lenient perspective (I worry about the number of times someone on here moans about their partner and suddenly everyone tells them that divorce is the only way out!)

I have had MH problems in the past and really struggled to keep up with my share of the house work. I still don't do as much as my lovely DH but for me, even though it was a little infantile, having jobs written down really helped me focus and get myself back on track.

Well done for sending the e-mail Aileth, I hope something good comes from it!

The difference is: it sounds like you and your DH are 'working as a team' - he helps you when you need it, you do what you can and you appreciate his assistance. That is not the case for aileth's OH.

Also, I (and I hope that I speak for most posters on here) certainly wouldn't advocate ending a marriage if it can be fixed. Divorce is absolutely the last resort.

But read the question and answer below:

Mojisola wrote: »

You know how this is going to end, don't you?

Why keep dragging it out?

aileth wrote: »

First question yes.

Second question, I honestly don't know. I can't answer.

bargainbetty

aileth wrote: »

I've basically just sent him a novel in the form of an email (I can't ring him as I'm at work so fired it off during my lunch hour) basically outlining everything I've said here and, quite bluntly, if he doesn't get his sh*t together, get a f*cking grip and grow the f*ck up, I'm moving back to my home city, selling the house and taking the dog.

Do you have a spare room? Let him sleep in it.

Do you have a joint account with him? If so, switch the bills to your personal account and get the joint one closed. Start putting notices of financial disassociation on your credit file and give him back his cards (if they are not joint). His debts, his problem from here on in. No more bailouts, and no more help.

Honestly, I'd tell him that he needs to go away for a few days so that you can get your head straight. Tell him to go and stay with a friend or his family. Start mediation (he can pay) and get your house in order. In a month, look in the mirror and ask yourself what is more scary: having him back, or not having him back. If he asks how he can prove himself while you are apart, tell him to arrange a rubbish clearance service to clean the back garden - tell him a time that will work for you. He has to sort/pay for it, or do it himself, but it has to be done. Then he has to leave again.

My ex was less harsh, but equally useless. The day I waited three hours in a hospital ward for him to call me or visit, and eventually had to call my mum to collect me because he wasn't at home or at work, it killed the last shreds. It's all well and good saying that men can be a bit thoughtless, but there is a line where it is hateful and harmful. I reached that line. You will have to decide if you are there too.

I wish you all the best
x

moromir

aileth wrote:

He's asked me out for a meal tonight to talk about things and offered to split the finances - done a total 180. I'm not so sure I want to rip his b*llocks off in front of a whole restaurant though.

Which I'm certain he knows. Inviting you out in public is a control mechanism, he knows you won't want to cause a scene and will therefore be likely to agree to whatever half hearted measures he proposes.

Get rid.

pingufan

aileth wrote: »

Thank you everyone for giving me strength. I really thought I have been being the nagging wife and that I wasn't seeing something that maybe everyone else could see, that he's being reasonable maybe. I honestly had no idea the finances were such an ocean apart until I glanced earlier and then did exact calculations now.

He's asked me out for a meal tonight to talk about things and offered to split the finances - done a total 180. I'm not so sure I want to rip his b*llocks off in front of a whole restaurant though.

Yes, he used to do the same when he could see I'd reached the end of my rope. There comes point though when any amount of wheedling just sickens you further. Maybe you havent reached that point then!

Janey3

For the past two weeks or so, I've been asking him to do various bits that I can't (for example, our back garden currently looks like a rubbish tip due to stuff he's dumped there that need taking to the tip - I don't drive, so he needs to drive them to the tip) and he has constantly been promising the world and delivering nothing.


You shouldn't have to I know, but if funds allow, I suggest hiring a skip and then tell OH to get it filled with the rubbish from the garden. If he complains about that, look for a local man who will come and do the job. I know it won't solve OH's habits but at least you will feel a bit better not looking at the rubbish.

aileth

This is going to sound really, really daft, but one of the reasons I'm scared of leaving him is the area we live in. It's really rough, and I've been exposed to a lot in my line of work and I'm incredibly terrified of burglars and the like. One of the reasons I like having him there is a security of sorts, even though I know deep down if he had the choice of jumping in front of a burglar's club and saving me from the hit or not, he would never, ever do it. He'd more likely to run and leave me there.

It sounds really pathetic, and as much as part of me wants to leave, another part doesn't, that part is the part that loves him but also the part that is scared. I'm scared I won't find someone else, I'm scared that I have to stay in this house until it sells as I can't afford anywhere in the meantime, I can't stay with my parents because I wouldn't be able to afford the hour commute.

He went away for a business trip once and I checked the locks around the house about 12 times before going to bed, left all the lights on in the house, and I had to down a bottle of wine to help me sleep (it knocks me out), and even then I was waking up thinking I'd heard someone every hour.

I know it sounds really stupid as being counted as one of the reasons for not leaving someone, but I'd like to be open and honest.

HPoirot

aileth wrote: »

Thank you everyone for giving me strength. I really thought I have been being the nagging wife and that I wasn't seeing something that maybe everyone else could see, that he's being reasonable maybe. I honestly had no idea the finances were such an ocean apart until I glanced earlier and then did exact calculations now.

He's asked me out for a meal tonight to talk about things and offered to split the finances - done a total 180. I'm not so sure I want to rip his b*llocks off in front of a whole restaurant though.

It's what he probably wants, an audience so that you won't kick off and he can get away with a few more things yet again. Stand your ground OP, don't give in now!

On another note, as Cranky says, it's in your better interest for you to kick him out before selling up if you will ever need to.

pingufan

bargainbetty wrote: »

Do you have a spare room? Let him sleep in it.

Do you have a joint account with him? If so, switch the bills to your personal account and get the joint one closed. Start putting notices of financial disassociation on your credit file and give him back his cards (if they are not joint). His debts, his problem from here on in. No more bailouts, and no more help.

Honestly, I'd tell him that he needs to go away for a few days so that you can get your head straight. Tell him to go and stay with a friend or his family. Start mediation (he can pay) and get your house in order. In a month, look in the mirror and ask yourself what is more scary: having him back, or not having him back. If he asks how he can prove himself while you are apart, tell him to arrange a rubbish clearance service to clean the back garden - tell him a time that will work for you. He has to sort/pay for it, or do it himself, but it has to be done. Then he has to leave again.

My ex was less harsh, but equally useless. The day I waited three hours in a hospital ward for him to call me or visit, and eventually had to call my mum to collect me because he wasn't at home or at work, it killed the last shreds. It's all well and good saying that men can be a bit thoughtless, but there is a line where it is hateful and harmful. I reached that line. You will have to decide if you are there too.

I wish you all the best
x

Oh - i'd forgotten this - I fell down the stairs and really hurt my ankle.

He refused to drive me to the hospital as he had to go to work and he couldnt take any time off as he was already on a warning for being late in the mornings.

I had to call my dad from 25 miles away to drive me.

Like I say you will know when and if it has died inside for you - nothing they can say or do will make you waver or change your mind and the thought of being with them for a minute longer just sickens you

paddy's_mum

aileth wrote: »

if he doesn't get his sh*t together, get a f*cking grip and grow the f*ck up, I'm moving back to my home city, selling the house and taking the dog.

Your anger may turn out to be your best friend. It surely beats sitting there in despair and hopelessness!

If I were you, I'd do the above things in a different order. Sell the house first - if you're not living there, you can't influence or control what happens there. He may trash the place or move in the next slave.

Then move to your home city having secured your financial welfare.

You needn't worry about losing the dog. He won't want it. It would be just another chore, another flippin' obligation to get sore about, something else that he would have to pay out for...heaven forbid. Don't leave the dog with him - you may come home to find he's "rehomed it for you, sweetheart" once he realises that you really mean to leave him.

I don't believe he will make a sustained effort to redress the deep unfairness and lack of balance in your marriage.

You must also be prepared for him to become extremely unpleasant once he realises that you are slipping out of his control - people of his ilk become very angry when they learn that the rug is about to pulled from under them.

You might find that he is lining up Mrs Number 3.

Why don't you pop home to Mum and Dad this weekend? I'm absolutely certain that they will support you in every loving way there is and if nothing else, you get a chance to calm down emotionally a little. Good luck.

justme111

Look , you believe you do the right thing in being supportive and kind yada yada but it may well be that by shielding him from the consequences of his actions you actually hinder his recovery from depression as you create artificial environment and act as enabler. "