Nervous breakdown.

pingufan

Birdie85 wrote: »

Ahhh but could he actually be bothered to fight for it?

Aileth, if you don't want to leave, you need to make him realise that you expect him to be an equal adult in your relationship. Maybe that comes down to writing down all of the chores involved in running your house and putting each others names down next to each job so he can see what you do compared to him and leave a clear list of what you expect him to do to make it even. If he claims he 'forgets' the little jobs you ask of him, make a big notice board with the list on. Leave post-its on the TV until he gets the hint. Hide the controller for his console. Change the wifi password and tell him he can have it once he's done his fair share of work. Jobs around the house are like a habit and he's not had to do anything for so long he's out of that habit. A few repetitions and you start to get used to doing it again (if that makes any sense)!

As for his personal cleanliness, that's just grim. What self respecting human happily sits around stinking?! Instead of giving up on the strike I'd have chucked his stinky clothes outside then dragged him out and hosed him down! A daily shower really should not be something that you have to remind him to do!

Yeah but thats treating him like a mum would when getting heavy handed with a teenage son - you can't go on like that with a partner without losing some of the sexual attraction you had for them - I couldn't anyway - the not showering part absolutely disgusted me....

HPoirot

aileth wrote: »

We've only been married three years, no kids. He's never contributed anything towards the mortgage, the car finance is in my name, as is the logbook. He is the main driver, I am the second insured (I have a licence, but haven't driven in a year as I'm scared of driving).

I've basically just sent him a novel in the form of an email (I can't ring him as I'm at work so fired it off during my lunch hour) basically outlining everything I've said here and, quite bluntly, if he doesn't get his sh*t together, get a f*cking grip and grow the f*ck up, I'm moving back to my home city, selling the house and taking the dog.

In the meantime, please start looking out for yourself OP, and I don't mean just emotionally.

Update your financial papers.
Keep records of your spends, even the monthly grocery and smaller outgoings. Try and find out how much he spends on gaming and on his loan every month.
You might never need all this (fingers crossed for you) but in the event that you do, it will all add up to the unreasonable behaviour situation.

pingufan

and when I said I was leaving my ex didn't really bother to fight for me - I think he knew I'd just had enough! And he was probably too lazy to bother!

tayforth

aileth wrote: »

We've only been married three years, no kids. He's never contributed anything towards the mortgage, the car finance is in my name, as is the logbook. He is the main driver, I am the second insured (I have a licence, but haven't driven in a year as I'm scared of driving).

I've basically just sent him a novel in the form of an email (I can't ring him as I'm at work so fired it off during my lunch hour) basically outlining everything I've said here and, quite bluntly, if he doesn't get his sh*t together, get a f*cking grip and grow the f*ck up, I'm moving back to my home city, selling the house and taking the dog.

Cross-posted with you! Well done on sending that email, and on being so blunt. Sounds like it's needed. Keep us posted on his reply xx

Birdie85

pingufan wrote: »

Yeah but thats treating him like a mum would when getting heavy handed with a teenage son - you can't go on like that with a partner without losing some of the sexual attraction you had for them - I couldn't anyway - the not showering part absolutely disgusted me....

Yeah, that would have been worse than the housework thing for me!

I only mentioned trying to write things down as I'm trying to view it from a more lenient perspective (I worry about the number of times someone on here moans about their partner and suddenly everyone tells them that divorce is the only way out!)

I have had MH problems in the past and really struggled to keep up with my share of the house work. I still don't do as much as my lovely DH but for me, even though it was a little infantile, having jobs written down really helped me focus and get myself back on track.

Well done for sending the e-mail Aileth, I hope something good comes from it!

tayforth

pingufan wrote: »

Well, I know it disgusting but the final nail in the coffin was one day that I was ill in work so came home 1 hour early. He had promised to clean the kitchen. I pulled up on the driveway and all the curtains were closed. I walked in the front door and he was sitting there gaming in the nude with a box of tissues (and some used ones:eek:) there next to him. The house was just as I'd left it in the morning, dirty dishes in the sink - nothing at all done. All day he'd just dossed around and was probably going to give the place a quick going through before I came home.

That was the last straw - there was lots to do both inside and outside the house (it was a gorgeous sunny day - perfect for getting on with jobs) and all he wanted to do was sit around having a job of his own...

Any residual love for him died there and then - he disgusted me.

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

pingufan wrote: »

Yeah but thats treating him like a mum would when getting heavy handed with a teenage son - you can't go on like that with a partner without losing some of the sexual attraction you had for them - I couldn't anyway - the not showering part absolutely disgusted me....

I absolutely agree with all of this.

aileth

I've just done over calculations and think I was being a bit over-emphatic. The exact outgoings for me are 1109, for him 337.

CRANKY40

aileth wrote: »

I've basically just sent him a novel in the form of an email (I can't ring him as I'm at work so fired it off during my lunch hour) basically outlining everything I've said here and, quite bluntly, if he doesn't get his sh*t together, get a f*cking grip and grow the f*ck up, I'm moving back to my home city, selling the house and taking the dog.

Chuck him out before you put the house up for sale. If he's still there when you sell the house he has to sign an agreement saying he will vacate the property upon completion. I can see that turning to c r a p too.

I would be delighted for you if he takes notice of your email and turns back into a real human being, but the above is just a word of warning in case he doesn't. Oh and he's not depressed either. He's bone idle. I suffer from depression (the bout that hit four months after I was widowed was a beaut!) Despite my depression I managed to seek treatment, to run a house, look after my son and pay all bills, shop, cook etc even when I didn't feel like doing it. Depression is a medical condition, not an excuse.

aileth

Thank you everyone for giving me strength. I really thought I have been being the nagging wife and that I wasn't seeing something that maybe everyone else could see, that he's being reasonable maybe. I honestly had no idea the finances were such an ocean apart until I glanced earlier and then did exact calculations now.

He's asked me out for a meal tonight to talk about things and offered to split the finances - done a total 180. I'm not so sure I want to rip his b*llocks off in front of a whole restaurant though.

Melonade

Birdie85 wrote: »

Ahhh but could he actually be bothered to fight for it?

Aileth, if you don't want to leave, you need to make him realise that you expect him to be an equal adult in your relationship. Maybe that comes down to writing down all of the chores involved in running your house and putting each others names down next to each job so he can see what you do compared to him and leave a clear list of what you expect him to do to make it even. If he claims he 'forgets' the little jobs you ask of him, make a big notice board with the list on. Leave post-its on the TV until he gets the hint. Hide the controller for his console. Change the wifi password and tell him he can have it once he's done his fair share of work. Jobs around the house are like a habit and he's not had to do anything for so long he's out of that habit. A few repetitions and you start to get used to doing it again (if that makes any sense)!

As for his personal cleanliness, that's just grim. What self respecting human happily sits around stinking?! Instead of giving up on the strike I'd have chucked his stinky clothes outside then dragged him out and hosed him down! A daily shower really should not be something that you have to remind him to do!

After reading this I don't think he's really out of any habit, he more got into a routine of no doing it, being asked, not doing it, being nagged, not doing it, having a sh*t storm land on him! DOING IT!! Then going right back to the start.

It's kinda worth the ear ache to be able to put it off till the sh*t hits the fan, then go right back to the start.

He should be doing it because it's part of being in the relationship, living in the house together, being a responsible adult, loving each other... not doing it because he has his game console removed. Honestly, that's how I treat my 14 year old.

I do nearly all housework, cooking, washing, gardening, decorating.... BUT my OH works (self employed) and pays the bills, is responsible for the banking stuff etc. you have to have equal give and take and it sounds like you give and he takes

I hope you can sort something out, good luck