Contact with children - any SW 's on here?

Ms_Chocaholic

Sorry to repeat what others have said but I think your husband needs to sort a paternity test before you even think of forming a relationship with this child. What would happen if he didn't - he'd carry on paying CSA and form a bond with a child who in 10 years he might find is not his.

FBaby

OP, I can't help but start to wonder whether you are trying to convince you are making choices for the benefits of everyone else when actually, it is because it actually suits you. You say you got back with your husband because of you didn't want your daughter to be growing up in a single parent family, but are you sure it is because YOU don't want to be a single parent? Are you sure your interest in the child being part of your husband life is because you are trying to right by the child, or is it because it would hurt the OW in a way that you feel she deserves?

You clearly still have so much anger for her and still seem to put all the blame of the affair on her, you clearly are still stuck in the past, that's why I am wondering whether your intentions are as pure as you claim. Times have moved on and there are not many mothers who still believe that it is better for their child to be raised by a cheating father and are prepared to give up on their own happiness for it, when they are so many single parents raising very happy children. Wouldn't you be worried that you could one day resent your daughter for that choice if she wasn't so close to you at a later age?

I don't say that to be spiteful. To be honest, if I were in your shoes, I think I would want to hurt the woman somehow and I too would struggle to move on if the said husband refused to open up about what had happened, which really is the only way you can move forward. I could be wrong, and do hope I am. If that is the case, I apologise, but something doesn't ring right to me.

BitterAndTwisted

alias*alibi wrote: »

Thanks to all the posters who offered genuine advice; and to those who saw this thread as an opportunity to slag me off; let's hope this situation never happens to you and you find yourself asking for advice but berated for it. I'll leave it there

I berated you because I thought the way you described the OW was absolutely disgusting, and you appeared to have the moral high-ground right up until you posted that litany of judgemental nastiness.

Look at it from the OW's perspective for one tiny moment: In a relationship. Fell preggers. Man beats a retreat back into the arms of his wife. Heart is broken. Trying to make a life as a single parent when that was never the intention. Now man and wife are making overtures about insinuating themselves into child's life. Most probably because wife can then crow and gloat about snatching errant hubby back right in front of my eyes.

That's not a very pretty picture of you, is it? Although from OW's perspective I suspect it might be a rather accurate one.

FBaby

alias*alibi wrote: »

Fbaby: no malice, no under handedness. It was a discussion we had about whether we felt contact would be a good idea. If you want to look at previous posts I've mentioned it before but at that time by husband couldn't talk about it. There's nothing sinister in my thoughts at all. I obviously live in a rose tinted world where I would like families to be families. As I work in social services I see lots of examples of fragmented lives and it exasperates me why people make a mess of them. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and I hated it. Maybe I have a childish notion that with time things would work out. Some posts have made me rethink that. Now rather than feeling I was trying to put things right people on here have made me feel like utter sh1te and for what? For asking advice on a subject which people have used against to be generally nasty.

Had enough.

I do apologise then, but you have to acknowledge that such a level of selflessness and almost sacrificing your emotions and feelings for the benefit of your daughter, but even more a child you don't know and a husband who had no trouble betraying you is just very unusual. Malice would be much more common (and I do say that I would be much more likely to react with malice than selflessness myself).

All I have to say is that I grew up with divorced parents and I never suffered from it. I would have hated through to discover as an adult that my dad had stayed with my mum (who cheated on him) all those years just for me. The sense of responsibility and guilt would have been too strong and I would have felt for nothing, so do think hard about your decision to stay with your husband purely for the sake of what you believe is best for your daughter.

BitterAndTwisted

You sound like a very nasty person and that's from the things you have said in this thread, not by me making inferences from things which haven't been. I've never been through similar and am not about to start now!

Stay on your high horse. I'm sure the view from there is utterly splendid. Never forget that it could be a very long way down.

Quizzical_Squirrel

By not having your daughter's half-sister in her life now, you're not shutting the door forever and saying that's it, they'll never know each other. It's just for now, while there's too much baggage to deal with and everyone could get hurt. Including your daughter. That really could burn the bridges.

When your daughter is in her late teens/early adulthood and she has had a good, stable family background, when she can cope better with this news and any possible rejection without thinking it's her fault, then I'd leave it to her to decide whether to instigate contact with the other girl.

It might not work out but at least they would have the chance to meet each other as independent equals, making up their own minds about their relationship, without having any of the emotional parent drama surrounding them.

Something good could still come out of this but right now isn't the time. In my opinion, anyway.

FBaby

You sound like a very nasty person

Is that based on what the OP wrote about the OW? If so, I think it shows someone still very hurt who hasn't yet moved on rather than a nasty streak. Not the right disposition to be around the child of the object of these feelings, but only the expected expression of feelings towards someone who is in the center of the event that caused such hurt.

duchy

I agree-I think the OP has been very hurt by her husband's actions however to be that bitter after two years have passed is concerning.
I do think the OP is probably directing all her anger at the other mother rather than acknowledge her husband's part in it all and it might be better for the OP to stop trying patch up the resentment and bitterness and deal with it-possibly professionally if she really can't get her husband to acknowledge how much pain he has caused and to help her get past the whole sorry mess.

Person_one

OP, once again, the big question is why are you still with this man who did such a terrible thing and put you and your daughter through so much?

You're clearly still suffering. The raw hurt and anger flies off the screen with every post on every thread about this. Do you really honestly think its better for your daughter the way things are than the two of you starting again and forging a new, more positive life without him there every single day?

Have you considered getting any counselling? You can go to Relate on your own, it doesn't have to be as a couples.

the_becoming

alias*alibi wrote: »

Bitter and Twisted. You are a VERY nasty person. You have NO IDEA of the hell I went through when she and my husband has their affair; the nasty texts and emails I got sent; the gloating. I had to have counselling and my daughter nearly got referred to CAMHS. I lost count of the amount of times I sat crying every night; how ill it made me to the point of having to go and have tests for ulcers. You will never know the amount of times I felt like ending it all because even my own damn mother couldn't be !!!!!d to get on a plane the whole 18 months I was going through it; basically giving me pep talks and telling me to pull myself together; but a lottery ticket as I was on a lucky roll him leaving me.

How DARE YOU make assumptions about things you have no idea! You nasty little person; keep your small minded thoughts to yourself. You disgust me.

You are obviously in a lot of pain but I can't help but feel you are blaming all the wrong people here. Holding on to so much hurt while trying to make a go of things with your husband is going to be very difficult without some kind of professional help.

HE made these things happen, I would hate her too FWIW but I would have shown his a**e the door as soon as he tried to come crawling back. Poor you, poor her, poor daughters