Contact with children - any SW 's on here?

the_becoming

Person_one wrote: »

Husband/dad left the family home and was gone for months, living with a new partner. I don't really see how she could hide those facts from her daughter, to be fair. I presume he was still seeing his first daughter while he was gone.

Ah I see, I thought it was an affair situation and the original post is long gone or I would have checked my facts

FBaby

she's the only one of the three who did nothing wrong.

We don't know that though. She didn't cheat, but we don't know whether her behaviour might have had something to do with him doing what he did. Although the cheater is always in the wrong, it doesn't mean the person betrayed is always completely innocent.

I read one message from OP who indicated that she wasn't in love with her husband from the start, but stayed with him because she fell pregnant and then stuck to it. There was an indication there as there is here that she stayed with him because she didn't want her daughter to grow in a single family.

If this is the case, it might very well be that living with OP might have felt very lonely and unloving. Her husband appears quite weak in character, OP ruling the roost, so who knows what he has gone through.

My gut feelings tell me that OP is petrified at the idea of being alone, as is her husband and that is the only thing that keeps them together, not love or respect. Is this the best environment to bring a child in? I definitely don't think so. I think if they don't face their fears and start being honest with each other, it is only a matter of time before an another affair gets in the way.

Person_one

FBaby, seriously?

Nothing a partner does ever makes somebody cheat. There are no excuses, no valid reasons. Full stop.

Men keep their brains in their heads too.

FBaby

Read again. I said the cheater is always wrong, that doesn't absolve the other from all wrong doing.

My husband ex wife cheated on him and left. It would have been easy to assume she was just a b*** and him all innocent. However, getting to know him and how he was then, I could start to understand the utter frustration she might have felt not being listened to and her feelings considered despite all her efforts that might have pushed her in the arms of someone who did.

That doesn't mean in any way that she could be excused for what she did, however, my DH had much learning to do about how he took her for granted. He admitted when he met me that he realised after the anger went that he made some errors in that marriage and that he wouldn't do them again in ours. He is a different husband to me that he was to her.

Ballabriggs

Person_one wrote: »

FBaby, seriously?

Nothing a partner does ever makes somebody cheat. There are no excuses, no valid reasons. Full stop.

Men keep their brains in their heads too.

Sorry but I agree with Fbaby. If it were that cut and dry then there'd be no point in counselling. You'd just declare the guilty party a !!!!!!/ess and either divorce them or punish them for the rest of the relationship. I'm sure a lot of people take this approach but it doesn't get to the heart of the matter.

Many factors can contribute to an affair, human beings are complicated creatures. It's not as simple a ' you bad, me good'. Of course the person having the affair has the greater accountability in the destructiveness of their actions, no doubt. But unless the person is a useless serial philanderer with the morals of a Tom cat, then a lot of things can contribute to that 'other person' being allowed into relationship.

alias*alibi

For shegirl; My daughter nearly needed CAMHS because after her dad being in her life solidly for 5 years he suddenly disappeared out if it; a month at first then only saw her once a week after that. She went off the rails at school, she refused to sleep in her own bed terrified I wouldn't be there in the morning. She couldn't understand why her dad wasn't there anymore or why she wasn't seeing him; why he didn't love her anymore. Nothing to do with me filling her head with details if the affair!

Fbaby; we had small problems like most relationships do but nothing that would constitute an affair. We didn't have bucket loads of money and things were tight, he thought he was working just to pay bills and wanted 'excitement' back in his life. She lavished him with attention, they went out and she showered him with gifts. Something I couldn't compete with having a child and not much money. So no I did nothing wrong!

Edited to say yes I told my DD she would have a sister as up to a month before she was born she would had and would had seen her. I'm not going to lie to my child. So yes she knows about her. I'd hate for her to suddenly find out at 18 that we had kept a secret from her all those years. I'm sure she would really appreciate her parents doing that.

Ballabriggs

Good to see you back again alias

alias*alibi wrote: »

Fbaby; we had small problems like most relationships do but nothing that would constitute an affair. We didn't have bucket loads of money and things were tight, he thought he was working just to pay bills and wanted 'excitement' back in his life. She lavished him with attention, they went out and she showered him with gifts. Something I couldn't compete with having a child and not much money. So no I did nothing wrong!

So doesn't this perhaps show you the character of the man if his head is easily turned by some gifts and a bit of attention? He is willing to walk out on his wife and child for something as simple as this? Please don't go on the defensive, just take a step back and think about the point you've just made. What happens when the going gets tough again and he is bored by life? I'm sure this has crossed your mind.

If we apply this character trait to the original situation you posted about, what if he gets bored with having to see the child at a contact centre or is fed up with dealing with the mother, is he going to walk away again? Is this really fair on the little girl who may go through the same emotional trauma as your daughter.

You make him sound like a victim of her charms, which is quite possibly the furthest thing from the truth. He is a grown man who made his own conscious choices.

paulineb_2

Im not sure how you and your husband move forward even if he doesnt see his daughter, unless you both get some professional help, because you are together for the sake of your child, you've said in other threads things are ok until this matter rears its head. Its going to be there for the rest of your lives and even if you do decide to split, I think you need to talk to someone about how you feel. Yes, people can say people should not have affairs full stop and thats that. But its a sign that something isnt working if a partner decides to start sleeping with someone else and that doesnt necessarily mean apportioning blame to the other person.

But if you dont air why this happened in the first place and get your feelings out, all you are going to be doing is shoving them away and papering over the cracks for the sake of your daughter and thats no way to live, for you, for your husband and for your daughter either.

paulineb_2

alias*alibi wrote: »

For shegirl; My daughter nearly needed CAMHS because after her dad being in her life solidly for 5 years he suddenly disappeared out if it; a month at first then only saw her once a week after that. She went off the rails at school, she refused to sleep in her own bed terrified I wouldn't be there in the morning. She couldn't understand why her dad wasn't there anymore or why she wasn't seeing him; why he didn't love her anymore. Nothing to do with me filling her head with details if the affair!

Fbaby; we had small problems like most relationships do but nothing that would constitute an affair. We didn't have bucket loads of money and things were tight, he thought he was working just to pay bills and wanted 'excitement' back in his life. She lavished him with attention, they went out and she showered him with gifts. Something I couldn't compete with having a child and not much money. So no I did nothing wrong!

Edited to say yes I told my DD she would have a sister as up to a month before she was born she would had and would had seen her. I'm not going to lie to my child. So yes she knows about her. I'd hate for her to suddenly find out at 18 that we had kept a secret from her all those years. I'm sure she would really appreciate her parents doing that.

You shouldn't have had to be competing with anyone, you were his wife and the mother of his child.

alias*alibi

As far as I know it's the first time he's ever done something like this. After a few months of him leaving he said he'd made a huge mistake and wanted to come back but I was hurt and angry and said no. In hindsight if I'd said yes there wouldn't even be another child in question, but there you have it.

I'm not saying our lives could had been better before he left but I'm definitely not the one who pushed him towards an affair.

I know people think I'm dumb taking him back, but I have. If I were to chuck him out now he would be destitute; my daughter would be devastated. I wasn't asking for advice on our relationship; I've made that choice. Yes I'm not denying part of me is terrified by all of it; I worry about things all the time; I'm living scared; but that's more to do with me than anything else.