Contact with children - any SW 's on here?

Better_Days

OP, do keep up with the counselling. You have a lot of issues and pain to work through. Just be aware bitterness is incredibly destructive. My father left my mother when I was 10. It left my mother very bitter and the way she behaved as a result made my life and that of my siblings a misery as we were growing up. Divorce doesn't always resolve issues and leave families happier. It didn't help that my father also behaved badly, making no contact with us children in the 8 years he was with his second wife and children, even though they only lived about 10 minutes walk away.

My mother remarried when I was in my early 20's and she now has very little to do with me and my siblings from her first marriage. Damage can be done to relationships that cannot be undone, and as a result she has lost out on getting to know her grandchildren. That bitterness has followed her for nearly 40 years.

When my Dad passed away in 2009 I went to visit his second wife to let her know about the funeral arrangements so she and her children could attend if they wished. All I got from her was a lecture about how hard her life was after Dad left 30 years ago. She was very bitter too. There is no way on this earth that she would have permitted contact between her children and me and my siblings.

I appreciate that your situation is not the same as I have described above, but I hope you can see how things can go wrong. My mother didn't set out to make her children's childhood miserable, but that is what she did because of the way she reacted when my father had an affair and then left. It can be a long journey to acceptance so that you can move on with your life.

What's done is done, but it is so important not to let the past destroy your future and the future happiness of your daughter.

paulineb_2

Its better to be in a happy single parent family than in a family where two parents are miserable. Im sure many people would like families to be families, but I grew up in a family, just that mine didnt have a dad who was around.

And it was a miles better experience than it would have been if my mum and dad had stayed together.

I actually do understand what you mean about kids growing up not knowing one another. I have a brother (some might say half brother as we share a dad but not a mum, but my brother who I do know, we share a mum and not a dad, but I refer to him as my brother), who is my dads son and he has no idea I exist. My dad remarried and chose not to tell his new wife that he had been married before or has a daughter.

I do think of my brother, not often, but now and then. And I didnt try and trace him, I had no idea he existed until I read a newspaper article just by chance that mentioned my dad and his teenage son, this was about ten years ago now.

Sometimes families arent what we might have wanted them to be, but life is the way it is.

All I will say, my mum always said that my dads conscience would get to him one day as he cut me out of his life when I was about 4 and never looked back, but you dont forget you had a child.

However, it must be tough for you, being with someone who had an affair, fathered another child and youve taken him back and you have to come to terms with what he did.

If you cant, get some counselling and make a new life for yourself, because one day your daughter wont be a kid anymore, she'll be up and off and you'll still have to be with your husband.

The person who caused this was your husband, she was a huge part of it, but he was the person who decided to cause all this hurt, if he had stayed with her and made a life with her, Im sure you'd still be hurting, but you are hurting anyway.

I think he owes the pair of you a hell of a big apology, sticking his head in the sand and hoping it all goes away doesnt really work.

Tiddlywinks

Firstly, thanks to everyone that quoted the posts from the OP that have now been deleted...

the_becoming wrote: »

You are obviously in a lot of pain but I can't help but feel you are blaming all the wrong people here. Holding on to so much hurt while trying to make a go of things with your husband is going to be very difficult without some kind of professional help.

I agree with this.

OP - your OH CHOSE to have an affair, chose to leave you and live with 'the OW' and then chose to leave a pregnant woman who was carrying his child.

He is to blame as well... he had free will and no one held a gun to his head.

alias*alibi wrote: »

I'm closing this thread. I cannot stand to read anymore.

Why are you so angry with the replies? Because they are voicing alternatives that are uncomfortable to hear? Why open a thread if you don't want that breadth of opinion?

You mention your work and seem to feel that somehow you are better than all of those broken families you have seen in the past - you're not.

We are all human and there is no shame in finding that your OH has done something beyond your knowledge or control... however, you are clearly not thinking straight if you feel that 'the OW' is entirely to blame.

Plus, there is no way that you would be able to keep your feelings from the child... and putting her in that position would be thoroughly cruel and selfish.

You are not as well balanced as you think you are... and that is not meant as an insult but as an observation based on your posts on this subject.

Please don't let an innocent child be used as a pawn in this game of yours - that is just not fair.

jellyhead

This won't be helpful but I'm saying it anyway.

My friend was in a similar situation and she encouraged her husband to initiate contact with his little girl. Guess what happened next? To make matters worse she found out that the other woman's baby was due on the day after hers so there was a very real possibility that they would be on the maternity ward at the same time.

She's still with him and he's turned his back on both of the daughter that the 'other woman' has bore him. He pays the CSA for them.

She'd probably make the same mistake again though. She's such a lovely person and would do anything for anyone. Her mother tells her that she deserves better but she can't see that he's unworthy of her.

paulineb_2

I think tbh, it can take a hell of a lot to get your head around the fact that people can have a child and then walk away. It still actually amazes me in some respects that my father cut me out of his life and then told me to go away when I tried to get in touch when I was 16 and then went on to have a child with someone else. But theres no blueprint for how some people behave, you find out the measure of people when they make it clear how little you mean to them.

And perhaps, you want the contact with this child so that in some ways it makes better what your OH did. It must be really tough for your daughter knowing she has a sister she cant see. It doesnt eat away at me that I have no contact with my dad or his son, but I dont ever forget they are out there, I cant.

But Ive had to live my life as best I can in the meantime and Im not hankering after contact, because Ive had a fantastic life with my mum and if my mum and dad hadnt split, Id never have had the brother I do have in my life just now.

There arent any easy answers in all of this, no magic wands, no making it all ok, but a massive start would be for you to work out why you went back to someone after 18 months of being away from him, if it was only for the sake of your kid, you are with someone you dont respect and I could hardly blame you, he is with you and he doesnt want to be and your kid is caught up in the middle of all of this.

I would say though, if you are going to pursue contact, or your husband is the childs circumstances need to come before anyone elses. By the time she reaches adulthood she can make her own mind up and she might realise she does or doesnt want to see her dad. He is going to have to be prepared for rejection, on the other hand his child may want to be part of his life and wonder why he hasnt tried to get in touch sooner.

What I do know is, you only get one life, to stay in a marriage that is all but dead and gone for the sake of a child is a massive mistake and you are doing that child no favours by being together when you really dont want to be.

DanE2010

Oh alias ive followed this situation from your earlier threads and I really do feel for you and hope you find some peace with this as from your posts its clear this is still hurting you, and deeply.

What the OW did was wrong yes BUT you are directing your anger at the wrong person, she didnt owe you anything, your husband who legally made vows to you did and maybe you cant move on from this until you focus on who really hurt you the most, your husband.

Speaking from experience, my ex left me before our baby was born for someone else, he didnt visit the hospital when she was born, wouldnt come to register her, visited 3 times then decided he 'wasnt ready to be a dad' and I was left to fend for myself as a single mother, wasnt my choice but the thing that hurt the most was my baby being rejected by her own flesh and blood, id look at her and cry and think how could anyone let alone the person that help make her walk away from such a beautiful defenseless baby. There is alot of hurt pent up and if he decided now after 2 years that actually he wanted to see her id tell him to get f---ed too! He went onto his next victim, low and behold had another baby and by all accounts he treats his new gf like dirt and she is so desperate to keep him he can do what he likes, not the type of role model I want in my child's life and she is a million times better not having him in her life where he can let her down and hurt her feelings. She has plenty of people who love her and being raised by a single parent doesnt mean she is 'missing out' on anything in her life, she doesnt even know what a daddy is, she just knows the people around her love her to bits and she is happy and healthy and that is all that matters.

I really feel like this affair is unfinished buisness in your marriage, its not being properly dealt with and put to bed, your husband refusing to talk about what happend after all he put you through speak volumes about him, you deserve the truth warts and all and only after you have heard everything should you consider what you want, not what you think is best for your daughter as it is clouding your judgement, yes we always put our children first, but because you grew up in a broken family it is clouding your judgement. Do you really love this man and want to spend the rest of your days with him or are your staying with him because you feel you dont want your child to grow up in a single parent home and that YOU dont want to be alone?

The bottom line is I think your directing all your hurt and anger at the OW as that is the only way you can live under the same roof as your OH because if you really sat down and thought about who caused you so much hurt and pain you wouldnt be able to look him in the eyes without wanting to punch him, because deep down HE is the one that nearly destroyed you, and yet you have taken him back and he is living on easy street not even having to give you answers because its 'too much for him to deal with' he needs to man up and get a grip! Does he not realise what he put you through? He sounds like he uses every excuse under the sun to pull on your heart strings and not rock the boat.

I really hope you get this situation sorted as ive never read a situation where I literally feel the hurt and anger seeping from your posts, I just hope you can truly be happy as it sounds like you sure as hell deserve it.

You have had some good advice on here, some of it is hard to read and may hurt, but try and take some of it on board as I dont think people are saying it to hurt you (well apart from 1 post) but to give you a idea of what the situation looks like from the outside looking in. Its easy to stick your fingers in your ear and not listen to the bits that will hurt but but true to yourself and honest.

Good luck op xx

shegirl

How old is the ops daughter?Why the hell does she know that her dad got another woman pregnant and decided to have nothing to do with the child?Just who would happily tell their child that?

Sorry,just checked other posts.She's 8 years old...

Quizzical_Squirrel

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Why are you so angry with the replies?

She's angry because she's getting a hammering here when she's the only one of the three who did nothing wrong.

She's the one who's trying to mend the situation, maybe not in the right direction but she's the one who's actually facing the situation, trying to make the best of what she's been left with and not just pretending it never happened like everyone else.

She's made her decisions with this man and come here for help moving forward and it must seem like people are just raking over her hurt to fire it all up again and accuse her of all kind of unpleasant motives.

the_becoming

shegirl wrote: »

How old is the ops daughter?Why the hell does she know that her dad got another woman pregnant and decided to have nothing to do with the child?Just who would happily tell their child that?

Sorry,just checked other posts.She's 8 years old...

I so agree with this, it's a bit weird! No need at all for a young child to know anything about what Daddy has been up to. Staying together for the sake of a child is a valid (if flawed) decision. Letting her know what kind of sordid carp the adults have been up to is just awful - surely she was only 6 when the baby was born? What is the point of papering over the cracks and pretending to play happy families if she knows that Daddy has been making babies elsewhere? This is the poor kid who nearly needed CAMHS? !!!!!! mess your own lives up all you like but don't make small children participate!

Person_one

the_becoming wrote: »

I so agree with this, it's a bit weird! No need at all for a young child to know anything about what Daddy has been up to. Staying together for the sake of a child is a valid (if flawed) decision. Letting her know what kind of sordid carp the adults have been up to is just awful - surely she was only 6 when the baby was born? What is the point of papering over the cracks and pretending to play happy families if she knows that Daddy has been making babies elsewhere? This is the poor kid who nearly needed CAMHS? !!!!!! mess your own lives up all you like but don't make small children participate!

Husband/dad left the family home and was gone for months, living with a new partner. I don't really see how she could hide those facts from her daughter, to be fair. I presume he was still seeing his first daughter while he was gone.