Contact with children - any SW 's on here?

alias*alibi

I'm closing this thread. I cannot stand to read anymore.

Thanks again for everyone's input.

CH27

alias*alibi wrote: »

Yes still with him and we are fine. Yes the anger and hurt flies off the page when people make nasty snide vile comments when they know jack. Had counselling and having some more shortly. Sick to death of her being treated as the poor little victim when she did everything she could to destroy me.

Stop fooling yourself. Everything you post screams resentment
You are blaming everything on her & nothing on your sneaky sh*t of a husband.

Gigglepig

She does not sound nice and I don't agree with what she did, but remember she did not owe you anything, your husband did. And he not only tore apart 2 families (like she did), he also dumped his new girlfriend when pregnant. Sounds like this woman has paid the price for what they both did.

the_becoming

alias*alibi wrote: »

Yes still with him and we are fine. Yes the anger and hurt flies off the page when people make nasty snide vile comments when they know jack. Had counselling and having some more shortly. Sick to death of her being treated as the poor little victim when she did everything she could to destroy me.

Has she not been punished enough though by being dumped while pregnant and left alone to raise her child for 2 years? It doesn't matter how mental or evil she is (or appears to be, or is said by husband to be, or whatever) - she only had the power to try to destroy your life because your husband was sh****ng her!! He seems to be getting away with this very lightly while you both blame and hate each other

Person_one

alias*alibi wrote: »

Yes still with him and we are fine. Yes the anger and hurt flies off the page when people make nasty snide vile comments when they know jack. Had counselling and having some more shortly. Sick to death of her being treated as the poor little victim when she did everything she could to destroy me.

He did it, he caused all of it.

I'm so sorry, but I don't think you are fine.

FBaby

Sick to death of her being treated as the poor little victim when she did everything she could to destroy me.

Did you discuss this during counselling? Because it is odd that you would still believe that what she did was directed towards you. Why would she have gone ahead and have an affair and then a child just to hurt you? Surely you don't believe she just picked on your man and used him just to hurt you?

What hurt you was the outcome of the choices your husband made. She was nothing more than the object that allowed the outcome to take place. The reason why people feel sorry for her is because they imagine her as a woman who had the bad judgement to fall in love with a man who made promises that pushed her to give up her life for him, and then dumped her without a thought when she was most vulnerable for whatever reason to crawl back to his wife. That might not be the true picture, but that's how it comes across.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Can anybody trust a man who has walked out on two women that loved him - and two entirely innocent and utterly defenceless children?

She gave up her existing stepfamily for him. She had the hope of a new life with him - and probably heard a hell of a lot about how awful you were to him - before he suddenly announced he'd changed his mind and he was off back to the person he claimed he didn't love anymore.

Since then, she's had sole responsibility for childbirth, looking after a newborn, dealing with a toddler. Doing all the hard stuff without the support of the child's father. Money doesn't replace having someone to reassure you you're doing it right, to change stinking nappies, to relax and have a bath without worry.

And now, just when it's probably getting a bit easier and settled, she gets a call out of the blue announcing he's suddenly interested again. With no guarantee he'll still be around after this child has potentially come to love him and her half sister. Of course she's angry. He abandoned her, their shared future and his soon to be born child when she was most vulnerable. And she's going to want to protect her baby girl from feeling the same sort of rejection he made her feel.

None of that makes you a bad person. But you're focusing your anger upon her, not the person who actually wronged you, her and two little girls.

Calm down and maybe try again by perhaps (if he is actually interested and not just too weak to tell you he doesn't really give a damn about the kid) sending a card and present on her birthday (if he knows it) and Christmas. With a letter explaining that he would like to step up to the mark and be a real father to this toddler. It won't be hard to find out her address; after all, he could give it to the guy she's dating at the moment, if nothing else.


She may still say !!!!!! off. But she might not if he continues to try.


Is he the type of man to put that sort of effort in for his youngest daughter?

Person_one

For what its worth, while I believe that both of you are victims of this man, if there was an imaginary 'victim hierarchy', you are more of a victim than she is, so to speak.

I don't have a great deal of respect for women who enter into affairs with married men, or who have affairs while married, and the fact is that she knew he was untrustworthy before she fell for him, you presumably didn't.

All that is irrelevant though, her being less than perfect doesn't somehow magically excuse your husband. He behaved appallingly, beyond the pale, breathtakingly selfishly and callously.

Ballabriggs

Alias*alibi

I really hope you come back to this thread. I think you really need to get it all off your chest; getting angry, letting it all out is actually a good thing and if its on us then so be it, I'm sure we can take it.

There are some uncomfortable truths coming out here, some perhaps more tactful than others, but still useful. I may be going out on a limb here but I think a lot of what is being said is nothing you haven't already thought of and probably know deep down but it's just too painful to go there. You sound like you've been to hell and back, and I really really feel for you. Thinking about some of these issues might frighten you and make you feel that you'll end up in that dark place that you fought so hard to get out of 2 years ago, but without really getting down to the real crux of the mess there cannot be true healing, just plastering over cracks.

You said you're going for counselling soon I think? this is an absolute must. Is your husband going to go with you? I really hope so.

Please come back. We're here to help.

shegirl

This is all so wrong.All of it.

Your husband ran out on a pregnant woman and decided to have nothing to do with the child.That is disgraceful and I could never be with or respect a man who would do such a thing.I would guess that,actually,part of your anger and force here is because you struggle with that too,well I'd at least hope you do!

The wanting contact is for the wrong reasons.If contact is initiated it should be because he wants to be part of her life and help raise the child he created.Not to make you happy.Not just so her sisters (that she won't know about) can see her.That is so so wrong and damaging,it has to be for the RIGHT reasons and the right reasons only.

From what you say it doesn't seem like your husband really wants that,does it?

I don't blame the mother one bit.He waltzed out while she was carrying his child and has not bothered with her,made it clear he wanted nothing to do with her.I'm not surprised she described him as 'sick in the head'.You don't play with lives like that!Not only will this have been distressing for the mother but look at the damage you would probably end up causing that child to decide to see her so she can meet her siblings.

You got back with your husband for your daughter,or more likely to not be a single parent.Perhaps to show the other woman?That is wrong and not the right thing to do.

You keep blaming her.Yep,she's not a nice person.Your husband is not a nice person.Maybe you know this but don't want to acknowledge it so are pushing for contact so you can pretend he's Mr Niceguy?

Daughter nearly needed CAMHS due to split?How much did she see of YOU showing her your emotion and anger?She shouldn't ever have been aware of everything or anything other than mummy and daddy are not together anymore.To bundle all that happened with the effect on your daughter is wrong.I just hope it's you pushing things onto others rather than her actually knowing it all!

Do you really understand what all of this would involve?I don't think you do.

I think what is really going on here is that you can't get past it and can't move forward.So you want to 'fix it' in a faux way to make it more acceptable to you so you can live with it.

I think you should leave well alone.If he ever REALLY wants to see his child (by that I mean wants to see her,not wants your child to know her) then he's capable of deciding himself and can then try again.