Contact with children - any SW 's on here?

FBaby

alias*alibi wrote: »

Fbaby; we had small problems like most relationships do but nothing that would constitute an affair. We didn't have bucket loads of money and things were tight, he thought he was working just to pay bills and wanted 'excitement' back in his life. She lavished him with attention, they went out and she showered him with gifts. Something I couldn't compete with having a child and not much money. So no I did nothing wrong!

Did you actually ever really discuss any of this? Was this the conclusion you BOTH came to? It doesn't take money to have excitement in a relationship, it takes mostly love and affection. I don't know how much you meant what you wrote in the post you wrote on another thread, but it was so indicative of you saying that you didn't fall in love with your husband, and that you just got on with it, maybe the excitement he was missing was indeed some loving attention from you. Maybe he tried to get it for years, and in the end, it was indeed very tempting to get it from someone who was willing to give it to him.

Only you know what it really was and is now like, but you posts never refer to any love towards your husband either before or after the affair or sharing anything except for your daughter. Maybe you really did nothing wrong at all but as Ballabriggs stated, I also don't believe that it ever 'all good' or 'all bad'. Just many lessons to be learnt about what led individuals to do the things they do. I'm just not sure you and your husband have learnt much about yourselves as a result of this affair.

FBaby

I'm not saying our lives could had been better before he left but I'm definitely not the one who pushed him towards an affair,

I know I keep pushing on the same issue, but did he actually told you that? Did he take full and complete responsibility for it and puts no blame at all on you, or has he actually said that some issues in your marriage impacted on what happened, but you are refusing to hear it?

I personally believe that in a relationship, if someone is desperately trying to communicate their frustrations/disastisfactions/desire to make changes, and all their get is a brick wall back refusing to acknowledge problems and discuss how things can improve, then I think both parties are at fault. Of course, in this case, one should just end the relationship rather than go on to have an affair, but many people are weak and too scared to end things, so they let nature take matters over for them.

Again, I'm not saying that this was the case in your circumstances, just feeling I get from reading your previous posts about how you feel about your husband and your unwillingness to consider a life on your own.

alias*alibi

FBaby wrote: »

Did you actually ever really discuss any of this? Was this the conclusion you BOTH came to? It doesn't take money to have excitement in a relationship, it takes mostly love and affection. I don't know how much you meant what you wrote in the post you wrote on another thread, but it was so indicative of you saying that you didn't fall in love with your husband, and that you just got on with it, maybe the excitement he was missing was indeed some loving attention from you. Maybe he tried to get it for years, and in the end, it was indeed very tempting to get it from someone who was willing to give it to him.

Only you know what it really was and is now like, but you posts never refer to any love towards your husband either before or after the affair or sharing anything except for your daughter. Maybe you really did nothing wrong at all but as Ballabriggs stated, I also don't believe that it ever 'all good' or 'all bad'. Just many lessons to be learnt about what led individuals to do the things they do. I'm just not sure you and your husband have learnt much about yourselves as a result of this affair.

I've grown to love him over the years if that makes sense? No it's not a passionate all consuming love. We've both had a rough time over the years, a lot of knocks. To be honest he seemed to always crave attention and was in a relationship from early on that ended up with her cheating. I didn't pin my life on relationships, I was more in to having fun, going clubbing etc during my early years. I grew up and left that part of my life whereas I'm not sure my husband ever did those kind of things. I'd pin him leaving on him feeling trapped, bored and couldn't see any life apart from working. When he was with her she took him on holiday within 3 months of them being together so compared to our humdrum life his was starting to look rosy.

I do think we need counselling; I know I do. Last session I was told I had a fear of 'abandonment'. Dad left when I was a baby, mum uprooted to the USA when I was 18, swiftly followed by the deaths of my grandparents etc. Maybe that is why I refuse to give up on our marriage. Since reading all these posts last night my head is all over the place.

alias*alibi

FBaby wrote: »

I know I keep pushing on the same issue, but did he actually told you that? Did he take full and complete responsibility for it and puts no blame at all on you, or has he actually said that some issues in your marriage impacted on what happened, but you are refusing to hear it?

I personally believe that in a relationship, if someone is desperately trying to communicate their frustrations/disastisfactions/desire to make changes, and all their get is a brick wall back refusing to acknowledge problems and discuss how things can improve, then I think both parties are at fault. Of course, in this case, one should just end the relationship rather than go on to have an affair, but many people are weak and too scared to end things, so they let nature take matters over for them.

Again, I'm not saying that this was the case in your circumstances, just feeling I get from reading your previous posts about how you feel about your husband and your unwillingness to consider a life on your own.

All I get from him is that it was a huge mistake and he doesn't know why he done it. It's the same answer I get every time I ask.

Ballabriggs

He owes you more than that as an explanation.

Look, you've said your not prepared to walk away from the relationship and that's your choice, but don't think that you are not worth a full explanation of what happened and why. If you are going to make this work then he has to be completely honest with you.

I think it's very brave of you to acknowledge the abandonment issue. This must be playing a big part in your thinking. But don't sell yourself short. You need to get him to counselling, you can't do this all on your own. One person can't fix a marriage.

FBaby

duplicated so deleted!

FBaby

All I get from him is that it was a huge mistake and he doesn't know why he done it. It's the same answer I get every time I ask.

I really feel for you. What kind of explanation that is for what he's done. It sounds to me like he does know but doesn't want to say, maybe because if he did, maybe you would then find the strength to leave him? Whatever the reason, it really shouldn't be good enough. Why aren't you challenging him on it? Because you just want to move on and can't face going through this any longer? I can understand this, but still don't think you can build a lasting respectful relationship without getting to the matter of it, which leaves again with the feeling that both of you are not happy or satisfied in your marriage, but don't have the confidence to consider being apart.

duchy

I do think you've made your decision to stay with this man .....and that you hope he will stay faithful .

I suspect part of you has always congratulated yourself that your life is not like the clients you see at work ..........and you are desperate not to be thought of in that way-especially with your determination to give your daughter a better childhood than your own..... All very understandable.

My son adored his father and was the same age as your daughter when we split up- like you infidelity was involved .....and I was both devastated and angry and I do understand how hard it is to keep that from a child. I was furious as I felt not only had he cheated on me but I also felt he had betrayed and hurt our little family and especially our son. He really didn't "get" that for quite a while ...eventually the penny dropped though.

I can understand you not wanting to hear what people are saying -but ultimately you have to make your peace with what has happened. That means accepting the wrongs -and understanding that this woman was as much a victim of your husband's poor moral fibre (for want of a better phrase) in deserting not one child but two as you were. Not saying what she did was right ......but it sounds like she more than paid the price-losing her relationship thinking she was with a man who loved her and their child and was going to build a future -much as you did.

This woman is obviously getting on with her own life -and raising her child .......... and doesn't want her child exposed to a man who promised to look after her ...then changed his mind and then two years later -wants contact ...On his track record she probably doesn't think it'd last. She is as protective of her daughter as you are of yours. Leaving her in the past is the best thing for your mental health ......neither of you deserved the shocking way you were treated. Even if your husband returned to you-there is absolutely no excuse for refusing to have anything to do with his younger daughter -and I think even if at first you were maybe relieved he wasn't having contact - the good parent in you realized it simply wasn't right.

I hope this thread will end of being very helpful for you in counseling as it has brought up some relevant if very painful issues that really do need to be addressed before the anger and bitterness you feel do lasting damage to both you and your daughter. I think you've suppressed a lot -mainly because he's not talking.....so all you've done is put a patch over some of your feelings rather than deal with them - and so you've become "stuck" in your anger and hurt and unable to move forward. Work out what you want from the counselling -and tell the counselor what you want to achieve from the start. Also think about why your husband isn't talking -is it because he refuses to acknowledge how much damage he did -to all of you ...... or because it is too painful ....... Does he usually refuse to discuss issues and hide in his cave ...or is this something different to this particular issue ? Would counselling also help him ?

EDIT You posted since I started my long ramble. What do YOU think of the abandonment theory ? Could some of wanting to include the other daughter be because of this ? We all carry baggage though.....one person can move past "abandonment" and not carry it with them ...others would feel "It's happening again". It's an interesting viewpoint but only you know if it applies to you personally or not.

FBaby

alias*alibi wrote: »

I do think we need counselling; I know I do. Last session I was told I had a fear of 'abandonment'. Dad left when I was a baby, mum uprooted to the USA when I was 18, swiftly followed by the deaths of my grandparents etc. Maybe that is why I refuse to give up on our marriage. Since reading all these posts last night my head is all over the place.

Sorry, just read this message before i wrote my previous. Yes, I understand perfectly where you are coming from. I can relate to this. I can see both your points. You crave security and the excitement that comes with a relationship is not much in your priorities, however, it seems different for your husband whose anxieties might be the exact opposite, ie. the feeling of fear at the prospect of routine. That's why I really do believe neither of you are to blame separately but could really do with putting all this on the table and discussing it together. I feel that you are both just sitting on another time bomb.

I know that you didn't post to discuss your relationship as you feel you have moved on, but your message really indicates differently. The issue of the baby and whether you should consider contact is totally not the thing to focus on at the moment, neither of you seem in a position to be strong enough to take on that sort of storm.

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

Read again. I said the cheater is always wrong, that doesn't absolve the other from all wrong doing.

My husband ex wife cheated on him and left. It would have been easy to assume she was just a b*** and him all innocent. However, getting to know him and how he was then, I could start to understand the utter frustration she might have felt not being listened to and her feelings considered despite all her efforts that might have pushed her in the arms of someone who did.

That doesn't mean in any way that she could be excused for what she did, however, my DH had much learning to do about how he took her for granted. He admitted when he met me that he realised after the anger went that he made some errors in that marriage and that he wouldn't do them again in ours. He is a different husband to me that he was to her.

Nope, sorry.

Not buying it. Cheating is a deliberate act, a step waaay too far and unless somebody's got a gun to your head nothing can 'make' you do it.