Contact with children - any SW 's on here?

pops5588

Hi OP,

Just thought I would offer you my perspective, as I have a half sister out there. I really did try my best to continue contact with her, but there was just too much animosity between the two families. It became an unhealthy and unhappy situation and, although I am sad I do not see her now, I had to make the decision to walk away for my own sanity's sake.

Of course it would be wonderful in life if everything slotted into place nicely and these things just worked out, but it isn't always best for these things to happen purely because you believe the children should have contact. It isn't always possible.

Although personally I am in awe of your courage in this situation. There is no way I could do what it is you are prepared to do and I applaud you. Can't imagine what you went through. I wish you all luck x

fake_smile

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

But, to be fair, he wouldn't be in this position if he had shown some responsibility in the first place.





I am amazed that your OH didn't want to find out the answer to this question... does he actually care about that child?

In your previous thread you said several times that he wasn't interested in ever seeing the child... I can kind of see if from the mother's perspective to be honest.

Sounds like it's the OP pushing for this more than the husband

LannieDuck

I agree with FBaby and Fake-Smile. OP, does your OH really want contact, or are you pushing him into it? I can understand your desire to do that, but if OH doesn't want it, or isn't that bothered, it could cause a lot more problems for his daughter in the long run.

duchy

I'm getting mixed messages on this too.

This woman left *her* husband for her new relationship so presumably your husband had told her he saw them with a future ....and when she was about to give birth to his child he left her to return to you -telling her he had no interest in her or the child ........ Had she posted on here I'm sure the advice would be "make sure he supports the child even if he has no interest in seeing her" .

Fast forward two years and it sounds like your husband is still ambivalent about the child.....and is still unable to talk about the affair itself ..........and you are driving things forward for him to see the child.

Frankly it sounds like a recipe for disaster. Your husband wants to be seeing the child for the right reasons and not just as a way to put things right with you. If you two still haven't discussed the affair and the whys and wherefores you should be addressing those before dragging a child into a family scenario that still has unresolved issues connected to her and her mother.

I think you need to be considering the child first ..... and if she could be hurt if you introduce her into the family orbit and if you are prepared to commit to her been a complete family member regardless for the next sixteen years. If you're not ...... or if you have any doubts...or cannot be nice about her mother or hide how you feel about the woman your husband CHOSE to leave you for ...then leave her alone !

duchy

I'm getting mixed messages on this too.

This woman left *her* husband for her new relationship so presumably your husband had told her he saw them with a future ....and when she was about to give birth to his child he left her to return to you -telling her he had no interest in her or the child ........ Had she posted on here I'm sure the advice would be "make sure he supports the child even if he has no interest in seeing her" .

Fast forward two years and it sounds like your husband is still ambivalent about the child.....and is still unable to talk about the affair itself ..........and you are driving things forward for him to see the child.

Frankly it sounds like a recipe for disaster. Your husband wants to be seeing the child for the right reasons and not just as a way to put things right with you. If you two still haven't discussed the affair and the whys and wherefores you should be addressing those before dragging a child into a family scenario that still has unresolved issues connected to her and her mother.

I think you need to be considering the child first ..... and if she could be hurt if you introduce her into the family orbit and if you are prepared to commit to her been a complete family member regardless for the next sixteen years. If you're not ...... or if you have any doubts...or cannot be nice about her mother or hide how you feel about the woman your husband CHOSE to leave you for ...then leave her alone !

whitewing

I believe the op used to work for Child Protection so I think the OP is probably trying to do what is best for the child.

fay144

The thing about this that feels strange to me is that the motivation behind this seems to be about getting a sister for your daughter, rather than establishing a relationship between this girl and her father.

Are you really prepared for the fact that once your husband makes contact, he going to have to love, support, and consider this child EQUALLY to the way he treats your daughter - for the rest of his life?

He has behaved appallingly - to you, the OW and both daughters. But I think he's going to have to consider the OW's feeling a bit more if he wants to put it right, and give her time to come to terms with the idea. If I'd been involved with such a fickle person, I'd want to see several years of commitment to staying in touch before I'd let any child of mine start to form a relationship with them.

Edit: Sorry, you posted at the same time as me. Ignore me! Unless your husband really, desperately wants it, I think you have made the right decision.

Own_My_Own

alias*alibi wrote: »

No not me. We live in completely different areas 15 miles apart so their paths would never cross. Problem is DD knows she has a younger sister and although she doesn't talk about it my fear is when she is older and realises what affairs are and has a sister born out of one is she going to hate her dad? The same for the other child; how will she feel knowing she was born out of an affair and her dad walked away?

My dad was very abusive to my mum and me and my brother; he walked out on us when I was a year old. I've never met my dad, he never came to find me and although I don't think its ever bothered me would my life make more sense knowing him? I have half siblings I've never met and that bothers me a bit. My brother is a serial cheat; has 5 kids by 5 different women and doesn't see 3 of them and has never paid for their upkeep. Most of them don't know about each other. I hate what my brother is; despise him in fact for all the lives he ruined. I strive to be a good person; so imagine my horror that my OH turned out to be the sort of person I despise? Yes I felt anger 2 years ago but I know how carp it feels knowing your dad walks out on you and doesn't bother with you and you have siblings that you are never likely to meet. This is part of why I think its worth trying to form a relationship for the girls' sake.

So the truth is you only want this so your own children don't hold a grudge against there dad in later life.
To be honest if I was the 'other woman' I would let you get within 100 feet of my daughter.

NinjaSavingKat

OP maybe this "pally" relationship is why she is being hostile. If there is a DNA test result that is false she will lose your OH's money. I would get one done asap. Or at least cancel support to a child that isn't possibly your OH's.. especially since this money could be going towards securing your own daughters future.

She is losing out because your OH is possibly being a bit stupid with not having a DNA test - baby was concieved through deceit so what makes him so sure he's right in saying it is his.

Mojisola

NinjaSavingKat wrote: »

OP maybe this "pally" relationship is why she is being hostile. If there is a DNA test result that is false she will lose your OH's money. I would get one done asap. Or at least cancel support to a child that isn't possibly your OH's.. especially since this money could be going towards securing your own daughters future.

By starting payments, the father has accepted the child as his.

If he just stops the payments, he will go into arrears. He should arrange for a test but keep up the payments. If the child is not his, that's when he should look to getting his payments back.