Contact with children - any SW 's on here?

FBaby

The first thing your husband should do if he wants to do what is best is realised that this is not about HIS rights, but about the rights of the child. He needs to do what is best for HER, not for you, not for your children, and not so much for him.

I strongly believe that what is best for a child is to get the chance to have a relationship of quality with both their parents, as most courts do, but the key is quality. Before he does anything, he needs to be confident that whatever he does will be best for the child long term. this child hasn't asked for trauma because of how her parents went about conceiving her.

Tiddlywinks

alias*alibi wrote: »

You are totally correct in everything you say. We are trying to steer it to the right thing being done; mainly for two girls who were the victims in all the mess to have a chance to get to know each other. I'm not a fool; I can understand how she feels but if it's left for too long the relationships may become unsalvageable due to step parents and passage of time.

Why are you so interested in having your OH establish a relationship with this child?

I know you say you want the children from both relationships to know each other but... some things just don't add up.

Your language - she stole my husband - for example suggests you are not really over what happened. My worry is that the child will pick up on these feelings and that you may (inadvertently) leak negative messages about the person you still refer to as 'the OW'... that would be really cruel and damaging to place a child in that position wouldn't it?

KxMx

alias*alibi wrote: »

People do change though to be fair. It's been 2 years. When it first all happened it was awful and my OH was pretty depressed; we couldn't talk about it. Now we can, not the affair, but the possibility of him having a relationship with the child. She on the other hand doesn't want to see that people can change; she isn't prepared to listen and has put the shutters down on anymore communication.

How would he find out about the birth certificate? He can't just ask for a copy can he?

Information on obtaining birth certificates can be found here

I would also second the recommendation to get legal advice.

sulkisu

alias*alibi wrote: »

You are totally correct in everything you say. We are trying to steer it to the right thing being done; mainly for two girls who were the victims in all the mess to have a chance to get to know each other. I'm not a fool; I can understand how she feels but if it's left for too long the relationships may become unsalvageable due to step parents and passage of time.

I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, or worse than you no doubt do .
The point that I wanted to get across is that having walked away from his child, OH needs to earn the right to get back there. The fact that he has suddenly decided that he wants to be a father, does not mean that she has to suddenly accept him back into his daughter's life, or even that she is able to accept it at this time. You and your husband have had time to work through everything that happened, and I am sure there is still work to be done. This woman isn't there yet.

Mojisola

alias*alibi wrote: »

How would he find out about the birth certificate? He can't just ask for a copy can he?

He won't be on the birth certificate unless he went with the mother to register the birth.

Buy a copy like KxMx explains if he wants one.

meritaten

your OH is paying for a child he doesn't really know is his? in this day and age? Why?
Get the DNA tests done! then if paternity is proved he has the right to use the legal process to get access.

if he isn't the dad - then his ex owes you a lot of money doesn't she?

Ballabriggs

You say to put things right but right in whose eyes? I think the fact that you have a number of different views on this thread shows that your situation is not straight forward at all. What might be right to you may not be right at this moment in time. The other women as you are calling her does get a vote as well. She might be thinking what is right for her daughter.

You seem to have moved on with your OH but there is still an underlying anger in your tone when you mention her and the child will pick up on this. Have you thought about how you might actually feel when you see your husbands daughter? A very real reminder of his infidelity.

Brallaqueen

I'm not blaming you OP,, what has happened to you would test the good nature of a saint, but I get a real strong feeling that you are the driving force behind this and not your husband. I think you should ask yourself, is this really about the child, or is it about you and how you come across to the OW?

In this situation I'd probably be wanting to show her my happy family (subconsciously?) and show how strong my marriage is now, so strong that it could include the baby child and contact with her .

Mojisola

alias*alibi wrote: »

I have thought of all scenarios in my head; is it a good idea/bad idea; dealing with a toddler again; would the OW try to make things difficult/make accusations about things to stop contact; is our marriage strong enough to survive any !!!! the OW throws at us.

I still think trying for the sake of the girls to have a relationship is worth it though.

It's really not essential for the girls to have contact with each other if that contact is going to bring such a storm down on all your heads.

I would certainly get your OH to confirm that he is the child's father so that she knows in the future but I wouldn't put a family unit at risk. The girls can always make contact later on.

Strapped

Your husband can apply for parental rights and for contact, even without the consent of the mother. I recommend you make sure to get a good specialist solicitor with plenty of experience in the area. Be warned, it isn't cheap, and you may well be granted a Contact Order but if the mother refuses to comply, the Courts may do virtually nothing to enforce it. It all also takes a long time - it took my husband more than a year to get a Contact Order after his ex stopped contact and then she only complied for 3 months or so. Having said all that - at least the child will know when she gets older that her father WAS interested and made an effort to maintain (in your case, establish) a relationship.

PS Don't push him - this is something for him to resolve.