Contact with children - any SW 's on here?

peachyprice

Do you live close to each other? I apologise in advance if it wasn't you, but weren't you offered a house in the same street as her that you considered taking, but got offered another a little further away?

So do you still live in the same town as your OH's ex? Are these children's paths ever likely to cross at school/clubs etc? It would be bloody awful for them if there were a risk that they could find out that they are related having no previous knowledge of each other.

meritaten

you are coming to this from an emotional angle OP. its coloured by your own life and that you see your brother doing.
from a purely disinterested view. Your OH has paid out for a child without actually 'knowing' if he is the father. he may 'think' he is - but the fact that his name isn't on cert, and he has no parental rights, and he just meekly allowed his ex to claim off him................Sorry, but, is this child his? he may be sure, but I wouldn't be- not without DNA tests.

**Patty**

alias*alibi wrote: »

No its fine. It's a very tricky situation which is why I'm sounding out advice. I have thought of all scenarios in my head; is it a good idea/bad idea; dealing with a toddler again; would the OW try to make things difficult/make accusations about things to stop contact; is our marriage strong enough to survive any !!!! the OW throws at us. I still think trying for the sake of the girls to have a relationship is worth it though.

Speaking from experience (in access issues) :

Never underestimate just how much S!!t the OW will throw in your direction. Make a guess and treble it.

If you're going to engage the services of a solicitor....make sure you have £5k spare. If you know she will be difficult.....double it to £10k.

DanE2010

meritaten wrote: »

you are coming to this from an emotional angle OP. its coloured by your own life and that you see your brother doing.
from a purely disinterested view. Your OH has paid out for a child without actually 'knowing' if he is the father. he may 'think' he is - but the fact that his name isn't on cert, and he has no parental rights, and he just meekly allowed his ex to claim off him................Sorry, but, is this child his? he may be sure, but I wouldn't be- not without DNA tests.

He would of had a chance to get a DNA test when CSA first contacted him, he would of been sent a form asking for his details and there would of been a question asking if he doubted he was the father. CSA would then arrange a DNA test and if he was found not to be the father he wouldnt have to pay the cost of the DNA test, if he was found to be the father that cost would be added to the monthly payments.

I know this because my ex refused to fill out the form so they just class him as being the dad (which is he anyways he is just trying to get out of paying) he isnt on the birth certificate either (because he wouldnt come with me to register our child) so he has no parental responsibility. If he ever decides he wants to see his child he will now need to either get my permission and do it between ourselves or if I refuse he would need to take me to court, his fault for not coming with my to register the baby.

Why didn't your OH dispute the paternity when he received the CSA form OP? It could of been sorted before he even started paying then, or did he fill out the form and not tick the box as he was sure himself he was the father?

ecgirl07

alias*alibi wrote: »

This is part of why I think its worth trying to form a relationship for the girls' sake.

Your child knows she has a sister, she can find her later in life when the time is right for her. The "OW"s child may or may not know she has a sister, she may or may not know daddy is a shi* and a very bad man if the "ow" is using this language about him. If that's the case and, though it may be wrong to assume, it is I think where you need to start at this point as a base line.

If the "ow" is going to be obstructive and contact is fought for and has to be through a contact centre then you are creating a horrible life for the wean. She is going to be caught in the middle of her mums anger, being made to meet this "bad man" thats her dad. You are going to destablise her life which may not be the best thing for this girl. It might be best to leave it to her to find her dad when the time is right for her to meet him?

This may not necessarily be my point of view but having seen the trauma children go through in mummy/daddy fights it might be best left until the girls are adults to find each other?

FBaby

I think I keep repeating myself about your husband needing to be sure, but that's because the feeling I get from reading your threads is because I don't think he is strong enough to do it. He comes across as relying on the women in his life to make decision, support him and the rest.

If this OW left her own husband and previous life on a promise they made to each other that they would both leave and start a life together, she falls pregnant and then he went back to you, she will feel utterly betray and clearly, from her recent reaction, it is still very raw for her.

In the end, if she doesn't want him to have a relationship with the child, he is very unlikely to build one. Say he goes to court to be on the birth certificate and then gain access. She will insist on supervised access next to her and for you not to be present at all and that would likely be granted. Will he be prepared to go to a centre without you where all eyes will be on him, dealing with her if she is there too? If he goes to court and after spending £1,000s and gets non supervised access, she can still refuse, move abroad. Very few women end up going to jail for denying access. Would he even want this to happen?

I get a feeling that it isn't even really your husband decision, but him going with what you are suggesting is the right thing to do and he just hasn't even start to think of the implication of it all.

I have a half brother I don't know. Not born out of an affair, but under difficult circumstances as my dad didn't want a child. I saw him only a few times when I was little. I have considered tracing him and meeting him since I've been an adult, deep inside, I know my dad would love me to do it, but I have decided not to because it would be a selfish thing to do. For all we know, he was brought up by another man and doesn't even know he is not his dad. If he wanted to find my dad or I, he could do it easily, so the fact we haven't heard says something. He is probably happy and so are we, so why make waves when it is not required.

I really think you and your husband need to think very hard about this. Not that he shouldn't try to build a relationship with his daughter but how to go about it, because the reality is that he would have a much better chance to do so if he could try to rebuild some contact and respect with the OW, where SHE is also supportive of it than fighting her for it. Maybe he could start reading what many nrp who tried the same went through on the csa board. Most got nowhere but are much more poorer at the end of it.

NicolaB_2

ecgirl07 wrote: »

Your child knows she has a sister, she can find her later in life when the time is right for her. The "OW"s child may or may not know she has a sister, she may or may not know daddy is a shi* and a very bad man if the "ow" is using this language about him. If that's the case and, though it may be wrong to assume, it is I think where you need to start at this point as a base line.

If the "ow" is going to be obstructive and contact is fought for and has to be through a contact centre then you are creating a horrible life for the wean. She is going to be caught in the middle of her mums anger, being made to meet this "bad man" thats her dad. You are going to destablise her life which may not be the best thing for this girl. It might be best to leave it to her to find her dad when the time is right for her to meet him?

This may not necessarily be my point of view but having seen the trauma children go through in mummy/daddy fights it might be best left until the girls are adults to find each other?

I don't really agree with this. The little girl is only 2 years old, children at that age are generally pretty adaptable. I don't underestimate that it might be difficult or slightly upsetting/unfamiliar to her at first but I don't think it is destabilising her life. It could be argued that, long-term, it will be bringing increased stability to it through the benefit if having both of her parents in her life. As for it being a horrible life, I'm not sure it is any more horrible than her being denied a father for the whole of her childhood. Yes the situation could be left until she is an adult, but nothing could give her back those early years with her Dad.

I do understand her mother's reaction to suddenly being contacted out of the blue. She has probably resigned herself over the last couple of years to raising the little girl on her own. Rightly or wrongly, the Dad suddenly wanting to play a part must make her feel slightly insecure and she maybe doesn't want to share 'her' daughter. I would hope that once her emotions settle a little, and she gets over the shock at being contacted, she might reflect on whether a relationship with her Dad might be the best thing for her daughter.

I would echo concerns expressed by others that this should be driven by your DH rather than you. If he has any doubts about being in her life, it is probably best not to unsettle her if her will change his mind a few months down the line.

I would like to say to the OP that I think you are being very selfless in encouraging this relationship, believing that it is best for the two daughters, when many people in your situation might be glad that there is no contact.

I really hope that you are able to sort something out, and without too many arguments or upset for any of the parties involved. Best of luck!

kazwookie

alias*alibi wrote: »

No not me. We live in completely different areas 15 miles apart so their paths would never cross. Problem is DD knows she has a younger sister and although she doesn't talk about it my fear is when she is older and realises what affairs are and has a sister born out of one is she going to hate her dad? The same for the other child; how will she feel knowing she was born ; .

At this point it is NOT proved that the other child is related to your DD, your OH needs a DNA test as many others have already pointed out.

Gigglepig

Perhaps Op's husband didn't feel he needed a dna test due to the nature of his relationship with this lady... Sounds like they were very close and she was his girlfriend. Just saying. I can see why in those circumstances one would not wish to add insult to injury by requesting a dna test.

19lottie82

Gigglepig wrote: »

Perhaps Op's husband didn't feel he needed a dna test due to the nature of his relationship with this lady... Sounds like they were very close and she was his girlfriend. Just saying. I can see why in those circumstances one would not wish to add insult to injury by requesting a dna test.

But from the sounds of it, she was still with her Husband when she was with the OP's husband, so I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for a DNA test. Even if there's only a 5% chance that it's not his, I'd still want a test.