Other girl texting and calling my bf... what would you do??

Okydoky25

paulineb wrote: »

But ordering him to stay away from her as I said before, could just drive them together

Either he's interested in her in that way or he's not. If he's not then nothing the OP says or does can drive them together.

I've been in a similar situation and I called the girl to say clear off politely as I could (heat of the moment I wouldn't recommend this) and told my now DH if he wants her he could go but I wasn't putting up with him lying to me to meet her. Had he been honest from the start there would never have been a problem.

In my case he realised he'd been a prat and put our relationship before his 'friendship'

lostinrates

paulineb wrote: »

No one has said who asked him to tell the girl to back off. It could have been the OP herself, it could have been him. This is the point, with limited information, we dont know

Asking someone to back off then going for a pint with them, means obviously you clearly dont want them to back off. Actions speak louder than words in that case.

As for the issue not being with OP, its with both of them. They arent communicating effectively. Shes issuing ultimatums and hes reacting.

I certainly dont think its the sign of a positive relationship when someone has to tell their partner to stay away from someone of the opposite sex. I would never allow someone I was in a relationship to tell me who to be friends with

And if they are arguing all the time over this, it could be argued that he doesnt want to go home, he feels better sitting in the pub with this girl

If someone just wants validation that they are totally in the right and are doing the right thing then its pointless posting, because like every other thread there will be a total mixture of opinions

And like anything else, the OP can accept whats being said, or totally reject it.

The opposite sex thing could or could not be a red herring. Even if its a friend who oversteps boundaries of communication it can be a pressure on a relationship.

I know of examples where people have given 'indications' or 'ultimatums' about friendships. Some of them have been, IMO, fair enough. One was a serious drinker who oversteps boundaries when drunk, often getting the people he was with in trouble or danger too. Another was a friend who caused trouble repeatedly in a relationship by casting doubt on the partners behaviour (possibly generated by jealousy). The problem with blanket statements like 'I would never' that we all make is that when pushed I think some of us would sometimes.....:)

paulineb_2

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

No people are missing the point entirely. They have missed half of what she said. She doesn't have a problem with female friends, so I don't know why some many people are bringing it up as in issue. Or a trust issue, or a male vs female thing.

I don't know why you're responding as if I'm talking specifically to you, I'm not. This thread is full of stuff which shows people haven't read the op. It is also full of people digging at op, when actually what she describes isn't really all that normal for a healthy relationship. Even if your best friend is the opposite sex.

If he's going to cheat. He will, what she does now or did a week ago won't change it.

If he's more interested in the relationship he has with this friend, that he needs constant contact at the expense of the relationship with the op. Despite him having to tell her to back off, before he decided he liked it. She can't change that, she will just have to wait and see if it fizzles out, or he leaves her. If she stays with him.

I wasnt responding as if you were talking to me. It was quite clear your post was directed at a few people. I just made the point that I (as someone who has posted on here) havent referred to the OP as a bunny boiler.

You actually didnt specify the posters whose posts you did have an issue with to be fair.

She does have trust issues, shes said more than once in this thread that she does not trust her boyfriend.

Again, we dont know who insisted that the bf tell this girl to back off. Youve just assumed he did it of his own accord before deciding that he liked the attention. The OP may very well have asked him to.

And thats the problem, with limited information people will read a thread differently and that is all the point I was trying to make.

justme111

paulineb wrote: »

I wasnt responding as if you were talking to me. It was quite clear your post was directed at a few people. I just made the point that I (as someone who has posted on here) havent referred to the OP as a bunny boiler.

You actually didnt specify the posters whose posts you did have an issue with to be fair.

She does have trust issues, shes said more than once in this thread that she does not trust her boyfriend.

Again, we dont know who insisted that the bf tell this girl to back off. Youve just assumed he did it of his own accord before deciding that he liked the attention. The OP may very well have asked him to.

And thats the problem, with limited information people will read a thread differently and that is all the point I was trying to make.

Tinkerbell quoted me in that post so I take it I am one of those who she.thinks "missed the point "
To which I replied already. Shame I seem to lack some eloquency obviously as it.looks like I.have not managed to get my point across since she has posted again the same she had done before.

FBaby

I send encouraging and supportive texts/emails to my friends when they're having a tough time for whatever reason. The majority of my mates are male.

I think there is a big difference between different sex friends from the past and new different sex friends. After all, if you had fallen in love with one of your friends before getting on with your partner, you most likely would have done so before.

My husband and I have friends of the opposite sex who we knew long before we met each other. No issue at all with them, but if my husband suddenly became very friendly with a colleague, that friendship extending to offer a shoulder to cry on, something you would expect to happen with a longer term friend, then like OP, I would certainly feel uncomfortable with the situation.

tinkerbell28

justme111 wrote: »

Tinkerbell quoted me in that post so I take it I am one of those who she.thinks "missed the point "
To which I replied already. Shame I seem to lack some eloquency obviously as it.looks like I.have not managed to get my point across since she has posted again the same she had done before.

Sorry what?

lostinrates

FBaby wrote: »

I think there is a big difference between different sex friends from the past and new different sex friends. After all, if you had fallen in love with one of your friends before getting on with your partner, you most likely would have done so before.

My husband and I have friends of the opposite sex who we knew long before we met each other. No issue at all with them, but if my husband suddenly became very friendly with a colleague, that friendship extending to offer a shoulder to cry on, something you would expect to happen with a longer term friend, then like OP, I would certainly feel uncomfortable with the situation.

DH has plenty of female friends. Most of them have become my friends too. S e of them are now probably closer with me than him:o. One of 'his' best female friends and I email each other almost daily.

If he made a new female friend I'd consider it 'normal' in our/his dynamic. If he made a new female friend and didn't respect that this female friend's presence in his life was making me uncomfortable it would be a different kettle of fish entirely.

FBaby

How many friends can you make that you communicate daily with? I don't have any friends I communicate daily with, not even weekly I think. The only people I text/speak to daily is my husband and children.

But I agree that it is a question of circumstances and what is 'normal' for that couple. If he only communicate twice a month with most of his old closest friends, but suddenly daily with this one, then it would be odd. If however he is one of those people on the phone non stop as soon as he gets a chance, who talks to anyone who will listen, then yes, it would be different. I gather from OP that the level of interaction her boyfriend has with this collegue is not 'normal' for him, and that's what worries OP...

Talking of who, where are you OP? Hope the posts have not upset you too much.

fluffnutter

vix84 wrote: »

She is not much of a looker...

Sorry. Lost interest here. Are you really this shallow?

DevilsAdvocate1

paulineb wrote: »

I certainly dont think its the sign of a positive relationship when someone has to tell their partner to stay away from someone of the opposite sex. I would never allow someone I was in a relationship to tell me who to be friends with.

I'm not too sure I entirely agree with this. I trust my husband, but many years ago he used to play tennis twice a week. At the time I felt fat and frumpy as I had just had our second child.

Anyway, one week he came back and asked if it was okay if he had a tennis match with someone. The person concerned had approached him and said he was really good and could they have a match. I said I was absolutely fine with this and assumed it was a man.

The day before he was going to play tennis again and arrange a match, he told me that it was a women. He felt bad that he had omitted this information. I laughed and said it was fine, but inside I felt very uneasy.

In the end, I emailed him at work and explained how I felt. I said it was still fine that he did it, but I felt very uneasy. He came home and told me that I came first and that he wouldn't play her. And he didn't.

I think if the OP's partner had respect for her he would have cut the contact down when she explained how lonely it made her feel. If he loves her he shouldn't want her to feel like that.