Other girl texting and calling my bf... what would you do??

justme111

Good description above (tinkerbell) and a few wise sound replies.. Please remember it becoming an affair is only one of possible scenarious. Plenty of people see contact they are in is not healthy as it progresses /the other makes a move. For some it is just a stage they go through and it withers as time go by. In some cases the other party realises they are not in a right place or whatever thing changes with them - work role , family situation etc and this bond is no longer needed or wanted. I for one see situation aileth describes when they are in a constant exclusive contact with her husband as unhealthy , I do think it is wrong when a spouse is the only source of emotional closeness. There are periods in life of a couple when I think it could be perfectly all right even if it is not the main one

I reckon a spouse of one in this situation ought to be very careful in not showing his upset and jealousy because if he/she does then "guilty" party is not going to concentrate in what they are doing wrong but on how jealous/paranoid /possesive their spouse is. I see it as with kids , instead of nagging which gets blocked out one just let's them have consequences of their actions taking care in not putting any bitterness in it.

Op and her partner did not manage it well so it became an issue so I am afraid she can do little about it now.

fake_smile

It's no good taking smebody back after they have emotionally cheated or whatever if you are not prepared to trust them again.

Personally, I would be going crazy too. However, you either trust him or you don't. If you don't then you should probably end the relationship.

Also, I would ask to meet her.

I'd feel pretty upset that he feels he can talk to her before you but let me ask you this. Would it upset you as much if he was confiding with another guy over a pint?

lushlifesaver

vix84 wrote: »

I have suggested all going out for drinks with her bf but i think we are way past that it would be too awkward now and he is hiding her from me precisely because he know it is inappropriate !!! i think i am more annoy ed about the fact the there is someone out there who he obviously gets on with and can talk to more easily than me... i should be the closest to him and the person he turns to when he is stressed, the whole situation just makes me feel lonely.

I've think you've just hit the nail on the head and answered your own questions.

I expect that he is 'hiding' her from you out of fear of the reaction you might have seeing the two of them together. I don't think that 'hiding' is quite the right word here but I suppose it summarises your thoughts quite neatly.

I try not to take too much stress home with me so it helps to have colleagues you can speak to/confide in especially in organisations such as the NHS. I used to work in a rehab facility and later in a safe house. You don't want to take home the thoughts/feelings from work and start sharing them with those closest to you. Two reasons; 1) it means you take that stress from work in to your own private life, something you definitely don't want - would you like feeling as if you were always at work/thinking about work/talking about work? 2) it makes you feel like you burden those closest to you with the same stress.

Look at it more positively. He wants you to be the one he shares the positive/happy times with. He doesn't want to burden you with his work problems/add to any work stresses you may have.

Would you react this way if the other friend was male? Probably not I'm guessing; you say he's emotionally cheated before and I'm assuming that this is what you see this friendship as having potential to become. Just take a moment to reflect; not everyone you share details/an aspect of your life with is a potential partner (of any sorts, emotional or physical). I would assume you think that this relationship is 'inappropriate' purely because of the ease with which they talk? I wouldn't say it was inappropriate at all. Yes it doesn't look like he's encouraging her to stop with the messages etc but that's what friends do...message each other with bland chit chat and colleagues converse about work.

I really feel you need to take an hour, sit down with your boyfriend and get to the root of your problems. It is unlikely to just be this friend. Talk to him; open and honestly and explain to him what sets you on edge about her. Equally allow him to share his side. Don't make it all about your issue with the friendship else you will sound as if you are pushing him in to your will. Listen to him, I mean really listen and appreciate what he says. Don't start a fight just talk.


Also, you've been together a while. There is the chance that he is liking the attention, not the person giving it just the attention itself. Things become routine, maybe (just like so many people who have gone before and so many who will follow) he is just appreciating feeling as if he still has 'it', that women still want to know more about him and that, yes, someone else may even find him attractive. Men are no different to women in that respect, we all want to feel as if we can still attract people.

tinkerbell28

I still genuinely don't get how so many people are blaming op and missing glaring points.

She has been fine with all his female friends.

He has already told her to "back off". Which suggests he himself thinks at one stage thought it was getting too much. But now all of a sudden they are as thick as thieves. But now he has actually changed his mind and wants the attention, it's all ops paranoia is it?

Who really actually thinks it is acceptable, male female or whatever. For a colleague you see every day, then out of work for drinks, to be texting and phoning all the time. For heart to hearts. Stressful job or not.

The people who I know who work in very stressful jobs, actually limit their time with colleagues because of that. They want to go home and see their family who are totally detached.

The issue is not with op here. No wonder she has trust issues.

lippy1923

Sorry if this has been asked, but why are you reading his texts in the first place? Is it because you are paranoid because of the last incident?

justme111

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

I still genuinely don't get how so many people are blaming op and missing glaring points.

She has been fine with all his female friends.

He has already told her to "back off". Which suggests he himself thinks at one stage thought it was getting too much. But now all of a sudden they are as thick as thieves. But now he has actually changed his mind and wants the attention, it's all ops paranoia is it?

Who really actually thinks it is acceptable, male female or whatever. For a colleague you see every day, then out of work for drinks, to be texting and phoning all the time. For heart to hearts. Stressful job or not.

The people who I know who work in very stressful jobs, actually limit their time with colleagues because of that. They want to go home and see their family who are totally detached.

The issue is not with op here. No wonder she has trust issues.

OP has no control over what her guy does. She does have.control over what she does. Whatever she done gas inflamed the situation. That's why we gave a go at her. If her guy posted we would gave had a go at him for behaving inappropriately but as she was the one who asked for advise she is gettin it .

tinkerbell28

justme111 wrote: »

OP has no control over what her guy does. She does have.control over what she does. Whatever she done gas inflamed the situation. That's why we gave a go at her. If her guy posted we would gave had a go at him for behaving inappropriately but as she was the one who asked for advise she is gettin it .

Why have a go at her? Do you not think she is pretty upset to be posting here? If he has emotionally detached from op, and formed a bond with this woman. Nothing op would do could inflame the situation. As he has made his mind up where his emotional priorities lie.

She can't control him no, but she can control herself. I don't mean what others have been saying either.

Where she winds it in, doesn't rock the boat, sucks up to him.

If he can't stop himself from getting over friendly with women. In this case the 2nd. So he has to stay in constant contact with them, putting them over and above op.

Then I'm not surprised she feels jealous, put out and doesn't trust him.

She can only decide if she wants to be with a man like that long term.

nodiscount

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

I still genuinely don't get how so many people are blaming op and missing glaring points.

Because some people like kicking people when they are down.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I send encouraging and supportive texts/emails to my friends when they're having a tough time for whatever reason. The majority of my mates are male.

I've never really thought about it as being in emotional affair territory - it's just what friends do - I've mentioned to The Fella the sort of messages I've sent or what I've said to them when meeting up in the pub, etc; and if he wanted to see them, he's welcome to do so. He knows the password for my laptop and my email is always logged in, so he'd be able to check even without asking. Most of my friends also know the keylock code for my phone as well.

I wasn't aware until last night that his ex had cheated on him in a similar context, but I have absolutely no intention of either cheating on him (they're my mates - ewwwww!) or cutting myself off from my friends.

If he were to suddenly start demanding to read my messages, telling particular friends to back off or generally being a bit of a bunny boiler, however, I think the first place I would go to would be my friends and not to him. I've been there with a clingy, suspicious and generally controlling, obsessive and ultimately somewhat pathetic ex - I will never accept a relationship like that ever again.




If somebody is going to have an affair or leave, there is absolutely nothing you can say or do that will stop it. And if they aren't, getting all possessive and sending snarling threats to a mere friend is only going to wreck any trust and future for the relationship.




And, on that note, I'm off to meet a very dear male friend for a catch up and natter.

Person_one

This isn't about having friends of the opposite sex though, is it? The OP has made it clear she's fine with that and socialises happily with her partner's other women friends.

This is about one particular person that her instincts are telling her is different. He's acting like a teenager with a crush, and refusing to consider her feelings.