Other girl texting and calling my bf... what would you do??

ValHaller

FBaby wrote: »

You feel the way you do because your instinct is telling you that something is not right, and the reason why you are focusing on her rather than your man is because you instinct is telling you that she is up to something.

You are probably right, instincts are powerful and shouldn't be dismissed, especially when you are clearly not a paranoid or jealous person. The problem is that whereas you can feel she is up to something, your man clearly isn't, and the more you try to share your feelings, the more he will think you ARE paranoid and jealous, to the point where he will start talking to her about you, she will play the understanding friend and before you know it, they will be together and it will be your fault because you pushed him to it with your accusation. She will then be here and say that her and him never got together when he was still with you....

All you can do is back off as what you are doing now will only make it worse. In the end, if he was to get with her, nothing you will do will change that. It is safer to insure that he is happy with you so that even if she does start make a move and he realises what she is up to, he will still want to be with you anyway and will tell her to get lost.

It's a dreadful situation to be in and I feel for you. Of course, there is always the possibility that she really wants nothing more from him than his friendship, but I tend to be cynical about this as 'normal friends', when in a relationship with someone else, unless they've known each other for many years and it is habit, don't contact each other every day for everything.

I am in agreement with all of the above, except the highlighted bit. It is not clear to me that he is or is not up to anything. What is clear to me is that he is somewhere on a slope to being up to something - and like everyone else, I would say that if you start warning this girl off, you will put your partner further on to this slippery slope.

This is a matter for your partner to deal with - you will do far less damage by tackling him on it rather than the girl. I would suggest telling him that you are not happy about the relationship, but he is free to make a choice. And accept the outcome.

FBaby

It is not clear to me that he is or is not up to anything

I see what you mean and agree with you. What I intended to say was that OP probably thought he wasn't up to anything. I am also not so sure it is the case.

mandi

Personally I don't think your over reacting .

If he values your relationship expecially after the history between you , then he should understand how much it's upsetting you & stop all contact - End off .

Person_one

Two people, both in relationships, are engaged in flirtation and forming a strong emotional bond that makes both their partners uncomfortable. Despite their partners' discomfort, they won't cut back the contact a bit, and they won't even let their partners meet the new person in their lives.

I'm sorry, but I know what I think is happening here, and it doesn't end well for you or this other girl's partner OP.

justme111

Ah , what's well and not well is philosophical , all that happens happens to the best. Usually I have quite defined opinions on different issues people post but this one is difficult , I understand where is op coming from but on another hand i can imagine situation might be such that I could understand her partner digging his heels in as well.
As one poster has rightly pointed out if he prefers to unload his emotional burden to her than there are reasons for it . It's either something does not work with you or simply normal , we can not and should not try to be everything to a partner. As someone else rightly asked , what if it was a man he was spending time with , would you still feel uneasy ? Person one , he is not flirting , from what I read about it. Op, Look into yourself and why it bothers you. Very probably it will self resolve , let it be , I would have made the point of not bringing the name of that woman up ever because obviously discussing it is harmful to your relationship.

justme111

You already done wrong things , ie started acted all defensive to the point he does not want to introduce you two and had arguments.
Youay try weeing on his jacket hoping she will snif it and it will put hwr off.

aileth

Please don't contact her ; it's your OH you need to deal with.

The main issue here IMO is the fact he lied to you about seeing her. That'd send huge alarm bells for me. There could be two reasons for it, (1) that he is really up to something and doesn't want you to know, or (2) that he can't be bothered with you having a go at him because he's just hanging out with a friend.

Me and my OH are ALWAYS each other's port of call when there's an upset, no if's, but's or maybes. The fact he is going to her for emotional support says to me that maybe he isn't getting it from you and is having to go elsewhere, sorry to be blunt about it. She may be an easier shoulder to cry on.

If you find yourself jumping on him and making wild accusations or flying off the handle when you try to talk to him, write him a letter. Tell him that you have no problems with female friends, but this female friend feels 'different' to you. Ask him how he would feel if you had a male friend and you lied about seeing him. Ask him how he would also feel if you kept going to this male friend as a shoulder to cry on and essentially dismissing him. I bet he wouldn't be too happy about it.

Chances are, he doesn't realise how bad some things look because he just thinks you're being generally silly due to accusations, and chances are he lies to you because he wants to hang out with a friend and doesn't want the Spanish Inquisition.

OR, yes, he could be having an affair, but really it sounds to me like he's not getting support at home and going elsewhere.

It does worry me that when you told him how upset it was making you, he just carried on contacting her, not respecting your wishes at all. Your relationship should mean more to him that he would do anything to keep you happy, rather than keeping this friend.

NinjaSavingKat

OP - how do you know this girl's boyf isn't happy about the situation either?

If you think there is some attraction there from either of them - wading in, being nice - and I mean properly nice not sarcastic, condescending, patronising because you deem her as immature but actually genuinely nice - might shift things your direction and for the better. Your boyf has seen something in her that is appealing - we don't know what just yet - what's the harm then, for the greater good, in being the better person and wanting to know what that is.. She might actually be nice?

Having a double date would be super awkward if you let it be. Meeting together however, as a foursome, and BEING NICE might dispel any attraction your boyf might have for this woman whether emotional or otherwise. If he is being seduced by her immaturity, attention and such like, the spell can be broken by reality biting when both you and she are in the same room. If you act appropriatly, and be nice ( I am emphasising this for a reason) your boyf will possibly see JUST how immature she is... and yes this will be hard but I said this is YOU being the bigger person. Don't see it as "giving in"...

You are his girlfriend. Simple as that. But this young woman might not really comprehend that - all's fair in love and war is it not. But you can take control. This situation is bordering on childish (from both of you fighting over friends in the playground) but clearly very very painful. I agree with the post that said he is not getting everything that he wants/needs from this relationship - possibly due to his behaviour when he was an emotional cheat and you changed towards him... thats not your fault though... However - are you getting everything you want/need? It doesn't sound like you are - trust or respect.

But you are in charge of what happens next between you and your boyfriend. It's like telling a child they can't have something.."Why not??".. AND on the other hand you are making assumptions about him this time due to what he did last time. And as justifiable as this might seem, it's not fair to him.

I think there NEEDS to be an open discussion between you both, the pain of hearing what he has to say and vice versa about the relationship will be less painful than continuing as you are and not talking - to the extent that he makes a mistake because he thinks "you don't understand him".. and then the trust will never be regained.

But remember, there doesn't have to be something wrong for a relationship not to be right. If you want out you want out. If things don't fit it's not a bad thing to move on. You have made a galant effort but now it's time to get real and tell your boyfriend how you feel.

HPoirot

Person_one wrote: »

Two people, both in relationships, are engaged in flirtation and forming a strong emotional bond that makes both their partners uncomfortable. Despite their partners' discomfort, they won't cut back the contact a bit, and they won't even let their partners meet the new person in their lives.

I'm sorry, but I know what I think is happening here, and it doesn't end well for you or this other girl's partner OP.

My exact opinion too.

tinkerbell28

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time op tbh. I'd pretty much say it was already affair territory.

You say you've got no problem with his other female friends, just this one?

Well at the end of the day she is a colleague first, not even in the same department. Is their really ANY need for her to be calling and texting so often? Probably not.

Then there are the drinks after work........

I would be pretty annoyed if my oh's phone was ringing all the time, with colleagues on the end of the phone wanting to have a heart to heart, on his time off. Male or female.

So she is now not only his friend, she is his confidante, he is also lying about seeing her.

People who say he isn't getting what he needs. People like this get addicted to the attention of having someone fawning over them, the excitement of the texts. So in fact they then get moody and horrible to the partner. As they are the ones who stop giving to the relationship and take it elsewhere.

Personally the fact he is getting snippy with you, because he's spent time with her, he's lying and having lots of phone contact on top of drinks. I'd already presume the worse or see it as inevitable.