Other girl texting and calling my bf... what would you do??

pinkshoes

Either you trust your boyfriend or you don't.

If you do, then stop mentioning this girl all the time!

If you don't, then break up and move on!

ERICS_MUM

Person_one wrote: »

Hmm, I don't think she's the problem here.

Are you absolutely sure its all one-sided, because I'm afraid it doesn't sound like it to me.

sadly I have to agree. I say sadly because it's going to make it more difficult for you to resolve the matter.

When BF calls to say he's going out from work could you join them ? Not so you can confront this girl, be nice with her but make it clear that he is "yours". See how HE reacts.

Hope you can get it sorted, it's horrible having this sort of thing hanging over your head.

System

vix84 wrote: »

Hi All,



The other day he lied about seeing her as he knows i will be in a sulk when he gets home so it is getting to that point where he has to sneak around but surely he should put a stop to it if it is bothering me this much?! I have no problems with all his other female friends as none of them are what i would call inapproriate friendships!! His argument for not putting a stop to it is that i have a male friend who texts me a lot (he is married, he lives round the corner from my parents and i see him once in a blue moon) but i have know him for 10 years and he is my ONLY male friend. I have a very small social circle so dont see why i should have to put a stop to something which in all honesty has never bothered my bf until now... he is suddenly using it as a stick to beat me with so he can carry on getting his own way... he said he'll put an end to this friendship if i stop texting this guy but in all honesty i dont trust this other girl as he has already told her to back off (obviously didnt try hard enough)

So i guess my question is...

A. Am i overreacting and being a hypocrite?
B. At what point would you step in and say something to her?

Since ive no way of ever meeting her i am seriously tempted to just send her a message through facebook and give her a friendly warning.... i just feel really out of control and want to nip this in the bud and sitting back doing nothing makes me feel powerless and trying to reason with the bf is no use. I know he will go crazy if i try and contact her but i dont know what else to do :mad: The reason this is a problem i have already caught him out emotionally cheating a few years back which almost put an end to us and i thought he would have been a bit more considerate towards my feelings since then but obviously not...

to be fair you sound like you are making a drama out of this! consideration is a 2 way street . what is "emotionally cheating " ?

paulineb_2

Having an emotional affair, whatever that is, maybe emailing someone, texting them, flirting with them (Im not saying all flirting is wrong btw)

Like an affair without the sex maybe. Who knows, just my thoughts.

Errata

vix84 wrote: »

..... there is someone out there who he obviously gets on with and can talk to more easily than me... .

Certainly looks like it.

duchy

Hmmm
There was a time I'd have posted -as others have to just ignore her ....but.....

My (now ex) husband had a colleague. I had worked at the same company for a while so she knew darn well we were very much together and had a young son.
It started when she split with her boyfriend "Could you help me move the piano my grandmother left me" ...then when we were thinking of buying a second car as it was getting complicated with our working hours "Oh I can give you a lift to and from work" she was like a puppy at his heels....always popping up-and it was a bit of a joke that she had a crush on him (she was very frumpy and sooooo not his type) between us. The whole office went away to a conference in the South of France ...everyone was sharing -except her (I learned later she actually paid to have her own room-talk about calculated) Everyone got drunk and she made her move -and idiot chops woke up the next morning with that sinking feeling.
Long story short I threw him out -and she moved in for the kill (despite him telling her it had all been a horrible mistake) ....offering a room in her shared house...she then spent the next year "managing out" the rest of the house sharers.
Eventually my ex started seeing someone else in the office to get her off his back but she was really persistent.

Ex was an idiot and fell for her "I just want to be friends" bull -but to me she was worse because it was very calculated. We were considered as solid as a rock as a couple and people's reaction was "but she's got nothing going for her" so don't underestimate the plain janes -often they have nothing to lose and are very determined. She's the friend who is misunderstood and you're the evil cow of a girlfriend accusing your bloke ...so she has his sympathy-so play it very very carefully !

If you aren't usually the jealous type (I wasn't and trusted him implicitly-the IT field has lots of women-drinks after work...no problem for me) but your inner voice is telling you this is something different-then you are probably picking up on other signals too...and are wise to have your doubts

balletshoes

have i missed something in this story?
how is this an "inappropriate relationship"? Who would it be awkward for if you met this girl with your OH, with or without her bf?

ska_lover

OP the problem here is trust. You don't trust him - understandably given the past issues - and that is his fault, not yours. Do not feel bad about not trusting him, it is a normal reaction and most of us would be the same in your situation.

I have never understood how people can just 'get over' an affair. I couldn't and I know if I tried, I would turn into the kind of person I do not want to be (a gibbering wreck) as you are.

I think this latest girl isn't really the issue, it is what he had done in the past, and putting aside this latest colleague situation for a moment - do you really think you can live like this for the rest of your life, worrying etc, and being someone you don't want to be?

It DOES sound like this colleague is no threat really - just that she is on the same wavelength as him, and you said yourself that you didn't think that there was anything sexual in it, so the realistic woman in you KNOWS this, that there is nothing going on - but the (person you don't want to be) paranoid woman in you is saying YES THERE IS something going on. So you end up tying yourself in knots. This is no good for your mental health you know..

This woman isn't the issue, its your relationship, the lack of trust in it. Seriously I wouldn't contact the woman, as you could end up looking like a bunny boiler/laughing stock, you don't air your problems in public - but if your OH cannot understand your feelings, then he has no respect for you - and is prepared to lie to you, to see this friend. No no no...

I would be walking out, round about now, if I were in your shoes. I could not live in a relationship with no trust and no respect - which is the situation you have got.

bagpussbear

Please don't contact this girl. There is no such thing as a friendly warning, and you are likely to inflame this situation severely.

The problem isn't her. It's a problem between you and your boyfriend.

You are worried that in some ways she is replacing you in some ways eg. when he is stressed it's her that he appears to turn to. It is not a good sign that he has lied about seeing her and I think he is wrong to do this actually, given there has been an emotional affair in the past.

Remember he is having that much contact with her, because he likes it and wants it. So that isn't her fault.

You mention this emotional affair that happened a few years ago, could it be you are seeing similar behaviours now, which is why your insecurities are resurfacing?

vix84

My bf doesnt want us all to go on a double date because he thinks i will cause trouble... also i forgot to mention, her bf also has an issue with the whole things so its not just me! so the 4 of us going out for cosy drinks is out of the question. And yes, i dont trust my bf but i also dont believe in walking away, i believe in working on things and so does he and i believe trust can be regained if both parties work at it.