Other girl texting and calling my bf... what would you do??

vix84

Hi All,

I'd just like some perspective here on a situation as I am quickly losing my patience!! A bit of background - my bf and I are 28, been together since college, just moved in together.

There is a girl at his work who has clearly taken a shining to him, she is a few years younger and quite immature and naive by the sounds of it... she has a bf of her own but is texting and calling my bf on an almost daily basis now and generally becoming more involved than i feel is appropriate... my bf is very sociable and has a lot of female friends which ive never had a problem with as i know and trust them all... this particular girl ive never met and he has no intention of introducing me as it would now be too awkward given she is becoming a constant source of arguments... they go out for the occasional drink after work which he is always upfront about and calls me first if he is going to be late.

She is not much of a looker and def not his type, and i dont think she is necessarily out to steal my bf or anything and there is nothing sexual... the texts are mostly inane chit chat and childish "banter" but the other day my bf had a really stressful day at work and i found an essay long text from her reassuring him and comforting him.... that is my fcking job!!! Instead he came home in a mood after said stressful day and barely spoke to me as he'd met up with her to unload... now i accept that she understands certain things more as she works in the NHS with him so understands the politics and bureaucracy... but he has a million other friends in the NHS who he can talk to who are not inappropriately close! :mad: This girl doesnt evern work in the same department as him!

The other day he lied about seeing her as he knows i will be in a sulk when he gets home so it is getting to that point where he has to sneak around but surely he should put a stop to it if it is bothering me this much?! I have no problems with all his other female friends as none of them are what i would call inapproriate friendships!! His argument for not putting a stop to it is that i have a male friend who texts me a lot (he is married, he lives round the corner from my parents and i see him once in a blue moon) but i have know him for 10 years and he is my ONLY male friend. I have a very small social circle so dont see why i should have to put a stop to something which in all honesty has never bothered my bf until now... he is suddenly using it as a stick to beat me with so he can carry on getting his own way... he said he'll put an end to this friendship if i stop texting this guy but in all honesty i dont trust this other girl as he has already told her to back off (obviously didnt try hard enough)

So i guess my question is...

A. Am i overreacting and being a hypocrite?
B. At what point would you step in and say something to her?

Since ive no way of ever meeting her i am seriously tempted to just send her a message through facebook and give her a friendly warning.... i just feel really out of control and want to nip this in the bud and sitting back doing nothing makes me feel powerless and trying to reason with the bf is no use. I know he will go crazy if i try and contact her but i dont know what else to do :mad: The reason this is a problem i have already caught him out emotionally cheating a few years back which almost put an end to us and i thought he would have been a bit more considerate towards my feelings since then but obviously not...

Person_one

Hmm, I don't think she's the problem here.

Are you absolutely sure its all one-sided, because I'm afraid it doesn't sound like it to me.

paulineb_2

This isnt a one sided friendship, he obviously wants to be friends with her. The very last thing I would do is send her any message. He should be able to be friends with anyone he likes and so should you.

You both sound like you need a bit of a reality check to be honest and all this arguing, what is it achieving exactly?

And the way she looks has nothing to do with any of this.

vix84

hhmm no of course its not one sided i know that much, my bf does absolutely nothing to discouraged her...

however she does instigate 80% of the convos, multiple essay long texts.. he doesnt always bother to reply, or when he does its short responses.... he is obviously just basking in the attention.

Person_one

Its him you need to be having a word with, not her, how can you be so sure he's not encouraging her? Especially as he's got form.

ttc39

I would be very annoyed too, given as you said the incident in the past.

May be worth sitting him down and calmly explaining that you feel it's inappropriate and see if he can understand and cool the friendship , like you say he has other friends and surely this one girl, if upsetting you - can be lost from his close circle, after all you should be his priority...

Good luck op, hope he can see your point of view x

ecgirl07

You are in danger of creating a self fulfilling prophecy here.

If its all just friends why dont you go out with them next time? Meet her as a couple and take it from there.

At the end of the day you trust your partner or you dont and you need to act accordingly.

paulineb_2

It sounds like your relationship needs work, because given that youve been together a long time and youve just moved in together, it doesnt sound very positive.

vix84

Im too scared to even bring it up now as he just gets angry... i should point out that this kind of thing never used to be a problem, i used to be a very laid back and chilled out gf, but given everything that has gone on in the past ive kind of swung the other way, i just dont want to go through anything like that again :-(

vix84

I have suggested all going out for drinks with her bf but i think we are way past that it would be too awkward now and he is hiding her from me precisely because he know it is inappropriate !!! i think i am more annoy ed about the fact the there is someone out there who he obviously gets on with and can talk to more easily than me... i should be the closest to him and the person he turns to when he is stressed, the whole situation just makes me feel lonely.

Person_one

If he does the same thing to you twice, knowing how hurtful it was the first time, what does that say about him?