Other girl texting and calling my bf... what would you do??

nodiscount

I'm another one who's been there and got the t shirt. At the moment your OH will be blind to your pleadings because he is addicted to the attention she gives him. He will see you as the wrong party if you try to stop it. He won't see the light until its possibly too late.

Sorry op.

In my case she engineered a situation to move in for kill (pretending she couldn't read thermometer in fridge so when he tried to look she lean in and kissed him). Just good friends my butt. He stopped talking to her after this but only because he saw the light himself. I also confronted the bint. It made me feel worse (because I saw up close the type of person my OH nearly ruined his life over - she's not even worth it) but it had to be done

How many texts are they sending each other and does he hide his phone from you?

nodiscount

Acc72 wrote: »

But how do you fall "head over heels" for somebody without meeting them, going out on "dates" etc. etc.

We do not know what heppened in this case and we do not know the OP's definition of "emotional cheating".

emotional cheating:

Emotional affairs occur when a deep emotional attachment or bond is created with someone outside of your relationship and it consumes your every waking thought and action. This type of affair involves sharing deep secrets and wishes, innermost thoughts and a transference of the intimate connection you'd normally have with your partner or spouse to someone else instead. It can begin innocently enough, at a time when you feel things aren't quite right with your current love and you decide to pull someone else in to play a role you feel is lacking in your partner. Yet, while it may have felt innocent enough to begin with, an emotional affair is just as difficult, if not more so, to get out of than a sexual affair. If you realize you need to end an emotional affair, breaking the pattern is essential for restoring the trust and faith your partner has in you.

tinkerbell28

Acc72 wrote: »

I am not sure how you come to this conclusion ?

I asked what "emotional cheeting" is - and I guess that in reality it is one of those subjective things that mean different things to different people.

In this case, what matters is the OP's meaning of this, and we do not know what that is or what actually happened.

Emotionally cheating is what is usually described as the pre-courser to a sexual affair.

Which is where the most damage is done.

It is where the star crossed lovers bit comes in. As most people don't like to feel guilty, or bad. So as it is lurrrvvveee they can justify it, then blame their partner for not "being there". So then follows the sex.

The general idea, is emotionally they've detached from their old partner, and moved onto the new, so it "justifies" their behaviour.

They have obsessive contact. I would say working with someone, going for drinks most nights AND having to be on the phone to them a lot is pretty obsessive and not normal.

Then because they are getting the buzz like you do in early dating days and the contact is so frequent. They are actually giving more to the new relationship than their one at home.

Confiding in them, talking to them more than their partner as they are new "they understand them".

Partner picks up on it, but rather than thinking "actually I see their point". The lies start as they don't want to give up the buzz of the new and ofc it is all the partners fault for being too jealous.

So what you then have, is someone who is emotionally pouring their heart out to someone, someone who has obsessive contact with another, so this starts to destroy the primary relationship. The partner gets angry, upset. The "cheater" is emotionally unavailable and carries on regardless, no matter what the cost to the primary partner.

It's pretty obvious to me that it is what is happening here, from the op.

Errata

Emotionally cheating is investing emotions in someone who is not entitled to them, but people's boundaries are so weak these days they push straight through them without a thought.

lostinrates

Stepping aside from the emotional cheating thing.....

Regardless of the nature of the relationship there are times when even friendships can become a little to omnipresent for the person's partner in a relationship and the boundaries need to be reestablished.

While its true this is usually some issue of appropriaty issue on the part of the friend, the issue is with, and soley with the person whose boundaries have been bombarded by the friend IMO.

I'd drop the cheating accusations and point out you'd feel as jealous if it was his big beefy friend Jim wanting to chat about foot ball or whatever, and that your time with hm is precious.

But only if it is.

duchy

I personally don't think he's having an affair yet...........but I do think he's flattered by all the attention ....maybe you two are in a bit of a rut.

Could it lead to an affair ? Yes.
She's trying to manipulate it into a "You and me against the world" scenario and clearly doesn't give a stuff what her bloke thinks (in fact if he finishes with her odds are that'll be kept from you)

Play it clever...no nagging ...... tell him you've had a chat with a friend and understand you both need to be doing stuff both together and seperately ......make plans together ......keep him busy (too busy or distracted to take her calls/texts in the evening ) if his phone accidently gets turned off -well that's a shame .

You're onto her game -use that info to work for you not against you.

pops5588

Very tough situation OP, and I do have a sympathy for you. I'm not sure why you're getting so much stick from some people, but there you go. It isn't always easy to just give up and walk away.

I would refrain, if you can, from doing anything passive aggressive (eg. sending her a message) as it does not help. What you need to do is sit down with your OH and have a calm, adult conversation.

If it were me, I would predominantly be asking him why, when he has emotionally cheated previously, he is not making an effort to share the stresses and strains of his daily life with you as opposed to this other lady. He should be doing all he can to restore your faith in your emotional connection, not going down the pub with someone else's girlfriend and discussing it with her. It doesn't have to be a jealousy thing, or an anger thing. It's just a respect thing. I would make it clear that I WANT to help shoulder the burden because that's what you do when you care about someone. I always feel quite privileged when OH shares with me, as I know he finds it tricky to open up.

If he doesn't respond well or at all, then I would definitely be concerned. He should care about your relationship just as much as you do. I know you don't want to give up and walk away, but it reads to me like you are the only one fighting for it.

anotheruser

paulineb wrote: »

The very last thing I would do is send her any message.

ecgirl07 wrote: »

You are in danger of creating a self fulfilling prophecy here.

At the end of the day you trust your partner or you dont and you need to act accordingly.

Repeated stuff I think is wise.

Try to ignore it and in a few months it will have fizzled out or moved to full on cheating, in which case your BF was a door knob anyway.

Just ask your BF to talk to you about his troubles and worries. If he says no, ask why not.

Don't mention the girl again. He might just like the attention as it can be very flattering, but you being all jealous (you can say you're not but you are) won't help. Try to talk to someone else about that.

--- Horrible bit ---
Want to be childish?
Find out who her BF is and start doing the same thing.

If you don't trust him, what the hell are you doing moving in together? Playing happy families? Yeah okay :P
--- ends ---

Everyone will try and stick their "advice" in but only you can choose what to do. The others can only give their opinion, some of which will be useless, but some will help you learn how to deal with this.

NinjaSavingKat

Acc72 wrote: »

But how do you fall "head over heels" for somebody without meeting them, going out on "dates" etc. etc.

We do not know what heppened in this case and we do not know the OP's definition of "emotional cheating".

OP has already stated the girl and her boyf work in the same environment and possibly in offices close by each other. They text and unfortunately an emotional support can manifest an emotional bond, which leads to emotional cheating.. over-sharing with the other person etc as the OP has stated emotional support.

You don't need to go one dates to "connect" with someone... seeing someone at work everyday, in an easy going environment, having lunch together in the lunch room etc is enough sometimes...

Primrose

I think only you can help yourself to stop feeling insecure. If your boyfriend is merely just friends with this girl, she has a boyfriend of her own and he isn't exchanging inappropriate texts with her, aren't you over-reacting just a little? Because you have moved in together doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip and that he can't have other good relationships with both sexes. By all means tell him how you feel about it if it's really getting to you, but either you trust him or you don't, and I suspect that the more you make an issue of it, the more you may back him into a corner from whence he might feel he needs to make a permanent escape.