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Other girl texting and calling my bf... what would you do??
Comments
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Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »I send encouraging and supportive texts/emails to my friends when they're having a tough time for whatever reason. The majority of my mates are male.
I've never really thought about it as being in emotional affair territory - it's just what friends do - I've mentioned to The Fella the sort of messages I've sent or what I've said to them when meeting up in the pub, etc; and if he wanted to see them, he's welcome to do so. He knows the password for my laptop and my email is always logged in, so he'd be able to check even without asking. Most of my friends also know the keylock code for my phone as well.
I wasn't aware until last night that his ex had cheated on him in a similar context, but I have absolutely no intention of either cheating on him (they're my mates - ewwwww!) or cutting myself off from my friends.
If he were to suddenly start demanding to read my messages, telling particular friends to back off or generally being a bit of a bunny boiler, however, I think the first place I would go to would be my friends and not to him. I've been there with a clingy, suspicious and generally controlling, obsessive and ultimately somewhat pathetic ex - I will never accept a relationship like that ever again.
If somebody is going to have an affair or leave, there is absolutely nothing you can say or do that will stop it. And if they aren't, getting all possessive and sending snarling threats to a mere friend is only going to wreck any trust and future for the relationship.
And, on that note, I'm off to meet a very dear male friend for a catch up and natter.
I do get what you're saying, but i think your scenario is more normal/healthy than OPs. You sound like you have a good, open and communicative relationship with your OH, where as the problem with OPs situation is that her boyfriend has emotionally shut down with her and chooses to communicate with someone else instead. It is only natural that this would make her feel insecure, alone and a bit desperate as to what to do. I don't think that makes her controlling, obsessive or a bunny boiler. Just someone who really cares and doesn't know where to turn. Perfectly understandable in my eyes.
You are right though, if he is going to cheat then he is going to cheat. Nothing can be done about that sadly.First home purchased 09/08/2013
New job start date 24/03/2014
Life is slowly slotting into place :beer:0 -
nodiscount wrote: »Because some people like kicking people when they are down.
Umm , not sure what you are talking about. Op is asking for an advice. She gets it. She will not be able to follow it unless she reviews her stance.The word "dilemma" comes from Greek where "di" means two and "lemma" means premise. Refers usually to difficult choice between two undesirable options.
Often people seem to use this word mistakenly where "quandary" would fit better.0 -
Umm , not sure what you are talking about. Op is asking for an advice. She gets it. She will not be able to follow it unless she reviews her stance.
Really?!?!
Most people in their "advice" are missing things she's said.
For a start that she is fine with all his other female friends.
He himself had to previously tell her to "back off" now he can't get enough.
People seem to be tripping over themselves to make out op is an bunny boiler girlfriend, not some hip, uber, cool modern girlfriend.
Nearly all my friends are male, my oh has a few female friends. So it's not a weird concept to me. But then we've got a good relationship.
Op's sounds far from it as he's shut her out. That isn't her fault.0 -
OP, you need to step back and look at the situation, and try and see it for what it is
Is he really doing things, or have you decided he is? Is this girl really a threat? or is she someone that he can talk to as he cannot talk to you? Be honest, do you have anxieties about him with other women, leading to arguments and a general mistrust of women around him? Also, do you often find that people associated with him, his friends, family, other girls seem to say things to you that are a bit off? a bit negative or out of order to you?
I cant help but think, having been there, got the t shirt etc... this situation isnt exactly as you say it is, although it is from your perspective
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Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »I send encouraging and supportive texts/emails to my friends when they're having a tough time for whatever reason. The majority of my mates are male.
I've never really thought about it as being in emotional affair territory - it's just what friends do - I've mentioned to The Fella the sort of messages I've sent or what I've said to them when meeting up in the pub, etc; and if he wanted to see them, he's welcome to do so. He knows the password for my laptop and my email is always logged in, so he'd be able to check even without asking. Most of my friends also know the keylock code for my phone as well.
I wasn't aware until last night that his ex had cheated on him in a similar context, but I have absolutely no intention of either cheating on him (they're my mates - ewwwww!) or cutting myself off from my friends.
If he were to suddenly start demanding to read my messages, telling particular friends to back off or generally being a bit of a bunny boiler, however, I think the first place I would go to would be my friends and not to him. I've been there with a clingy, suspicious and generally controlling, obsessive and ultimately somewhat pathetic ex - I will never accept a relationship like that ever again.
If you were to have started that by saying 'a few years back things crossed a line they shouldn't have with one of my male friends and my BF was deeply upset about it at the time' wouldn't it make the last paragraph more understandable and wouldn't you be seeking to reassure?Make £25 a day in April £0/£750 (March £584, February £602, January £883.66)
December £361.54, November £322.28, October £288.52, September £374.30, August £223.95, July £71.45, June £251.22, May£119.33, April £236.24, March £106.74, Feb £40.99, Jan £98.54) Total for 2017 - £2,495.100 -
tinkerbell28 wrote: »Really?!?!
Most people in their "advice" are missing things she's said.
For a start that she is fine with all his other female friends.
He himself had to previously tell her to "back off" now he can't get enough.
People seem to be tripping over themselves to make out op is an bunny boiler girlfriend, not some hip, uber, cool modern girlfriend.
Nearly all my friends are male, my oh has a few female friends. So it's not an weird concept to me. But then we've got a good relationship.
Op's sounds far from it as he's shu t her out. That isn't her fault.[/QUOTE
How does her boyfriends faults change the fact that she had many aggrieved conversations with him about it to the point of it becomi.g a sore topic . How does it change her considering facebooking the woman ? She asked what to do so many of us said not to continue doing the above listed. What do you mean - we missed out on information ?The word "dilemma" comes from Greek where "di" means two and "lemma" means premise. Refers usually to difficult choice between two undesirable options.
Often people seem to use this word mistakenly where "quandary" would fit better.0 -
tinkerbell28 wrote: »Really?!?!
Most people in their "advice" are missing things she's said.
For a start that she is fine with all his other female friends.
He himself had to previously tell her to "back off" now he can't get enough.
People seem to be tripping over themselves to make out op is an bunny boiler girlfriend, not some hip, uber, cool modern girlfriend.
Nearly all my friends are male, my oh has a few female friends. So it's not a weird concept to me. But then we've got a good relationship.
Op's sounds far from it as he's shut her out. That isn't her fault.
Im not missing anything shes said, neither do I think shes a bunny boiler.
Ive asked twice now why she moved in with someone she didnt trust, I think thats a very valid question
This is about perspective, some people will see this issue one way, others will another way. There arent any rights or wrongs
Either the bf sees this woman as a platonic friend or he doesnt, time will tell.
But ordering him to stay away from her as I said before, could just drive them together0 -
tinkerbell28 wrote: »Really?!?!
Most people in their "advice" are missing things she's said.
For a start that she is fine with all his other female friends.
He himself had to previously tell her to "back off" now he can't get enough.
People seem to be tripping over themselves to make out op is an bunny boiler girlfriend, not some hip, uber, cool modern girlfriend.
Nearly all my friends are male, my oh has a few female friends. So it's not an weird concept to me. But then we've got a good relationship.
Op's sounds far from it as he's shu t her out. That isn't her fault.[/QUOTE
How does her boyfriends faults change the fact that she had many aggrieved conversations with him about it to the point of it becomi.g a sore topic . How does it change her considering facebooking the woman ? She asked what to do so many of us said not to continue doing the above listed. What do you mean - we missed out on information ?
I think when someone says that we missed information or we are missing the point, they mean, you dont agree with my point of view.0 -
tinkerbell28 wrote: »I still genuinely don't get how so many people are blaming op and missing glaring points.
She has been fine with all his female friends.
He has already told her to "back off". Which suggests he himself thinks at one stage thought it was getting too much. But now all of a sudden they are as thick as thieves. But now he has actually changed his mind and wants the attention, it's all ops paranoia is it?
Who really actually thinks it is acceptable, male female or whatever. For a colleague you see every day, then out of work for drinks, to be texting and phoning all the time. For heart to hearts. Stressful job or not.
The people who I know who work in very stressful jobs, actually limit their time with colleagues because of that. They want to go home and see their family who are totally detached.
The issue is not with op here. No wonder she has trust issues.
No one has said who asked him to tell the girl to back off. It could have been the OP herself, it could have been him. This is the point, with limited information, we dont know
Asking someone to back off then going for a pint with them, means obviously you clearly dont want them to back off. Actions speak louder than words in that case.
As for the issue not being with OP, its with both of them. They arent communicating effectively. Shes issuing ultimatums and hes reacting.
I certainly dont think its the sign of a positive relationship when someone has to tell their partner to stay away from someone of the opposite sex. I would never allow someone I was in a relationship to tell me who to be friends with
And if they are arguing all the time over this, it could be argued that he doesnt want to go home, he feels better sitting in the pub with this girl
If someone just wants validation that they are totally in the right and are doing the right thing then its pointless posting, because like every other thread there will be a total mixture of opinions
And like anything else, the OP can accept whats being said, or totally reject it.0 -
No one has said who asked him to tell the girl to back off. It could have been the OP herself, it could have been him. This is the point, with limited information, we dont know
Asking someone to back off then going for a pint with them, means obviously you clearly dont want them to back off. Actions speak louder than words in that case.
As for the issue not being with OP, its with both of them. They arent communicating effectively. Shes issuing ultimatums and hes reacting.
I certainly dont think its the sign of a positive relationship when someone has to tell their partner to stay away from someone of the opposite sex. I would never allow someone I was in a relationship to tell me who to be friends with
And if they are arguing all the time over this, it could be argued that he doesnt want to go home, he feels better sitting in the pub with this girl
If someone just wants validation that they are totally in the right and are doing the right thing then its pointless posting, because like every other thread there will be a total mixture of opinions
And like anything else, the OP can accept whats being said, or totally reject it.
No people are missing the point entirely. They have missed half of what she said. She doesn't have a problem with female friends, so I don't know why some many people are bringing it up as in issue. Or a trust issue, or a male vs female thing.
I don't know why you're responding as if I'm talking specifically to you, I'm not. This thread is full of stuff which shows people haven't read the op. It is also full of people digging at op, when actually what she describes isn't really all that normal for a healthy relationship. Even if your best friend is the opposite sex.
If he's going to cheat. He will, what she does now or did a week ago won't change it.
If he's more interested in the relationship he has with this friend, that he needs constant contact at the expense of the relationship with the op. Despite him having to tell her to back off, before he decided he liked it. She can't change that, she will just have to wait and see if it fizzles out, or he leaves her. If she stays with him.0
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