Other girl texting and calling my bf... what would you do??

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

FatVonD wrote: »

If you were to have started that by saying 'a few years back things crossed a line they shouldn't have with one of my male friends and my BF was deeply upset about it at the time' wouldn't it make the last paragraph more understandable and wouldn't you be seeking to reassure?

No. Because what has happened in the past doesn't necessarily mean it's bound to happen again. That and the phrase 'emotional affair' means he hasn't actually done anything. Cheating is when people have sex, not when they talk and get along.


It's not healthy for one person to be the entire emotional support network for another. It's co-dependency if both rely upon each other for everything - a normal, well rounded person gets support from friends and from their partner.



[sorry for so many posts, I didn't realise there were so many new comments on the thread]

tinkerbell28

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

And texted The Fella just before he finished work to see if he wanted to drop into the pub where we were, on the way home. He did, had one drink and then went off to do what he has to do this evening.

No stress, no possessiveness, no hassle. And that's the way a healthy relationship should work.

Indeed. Yet you can't see the difference? Op has just confirmed HE, yes HE thinks she's inappropriate, but still keeps up the constant texts and drinks to which she is NOT invited.

I get the whole feeling your posts have come across as smug and an underlying nastiness towards the op. "Look how cool and relaxed I am, not possessive".

When actually, your posts have no relevance to ops situation at all.

I went out with a male friend the other day, husband was fine, great. Got nothing to do with op.

So I'm not sure why you keep harping on about your adventures and how well rounded you are. You aren't the only person who manages to understand the opposite sex can be friends, op included.

Missme

vix84 wrote: »

Hi All,

I'd just like some perspective...

She is not much of a looker and def not his type, and i dont think she is necessarily out to steal my bf or anything and there is nothing sexual... the texts are mostly inane chit chat and childish "banter"

he has a million other friends in the NHS who he can talk to who are not inappropriately close! :mad: This girl doesnt evern work in the same department as him!

he knows i will be in a sulk when he gets home

I have no problems with all his other female friends as none of them are what i would call inapproriate friendships!!

he is suddenly using it as a stick to beat me with so he can carry on getting his own way...

i dont trust this other girl as he has already told her to back off

So i guess my question is...

A. Am i overreacting and being a hypocrite?
B. At what point would you step in and say something to her?

i am seriously tempted to just send her a message through facebook and give her a friendly warning.... i just feel really out of control and want to nip this in the bud and sitting back doing nothing makes me feel powerless and trying to reason with the bf is no use. I know he will go crazy if i try and contact her but i dont know what else to do :mad: The reason this is a problem i have already caught him out emotionally cheating a few years back which almost put an end to us and i thought he would have been a bit more considerate towards my feelings since then but obviously not...

My editing.

There is stuff here that makes you seem horrible and controlling. Having said that, there's stuff that makes you seem vulnerable and angry.

So she's not a looker or his type and her chat/text is inane. Quite cruel, no? And would that description is your polar opposite? Perhaps that's the attraction...

It's clear you don't trust your OH. Perhaps with good reason IF the emotional cheating came before the lack of trust. How did you catch him? Were you looking for something or did you stumble across it?

All relationships need boundaries but such should not feel like a noose or garotte. Is it for you to approve of his friendships, or he yours? Is his 'you dump your friend and I'll dump mine' stance a result of one-sided rules?

If you have moved on from the past, you need to let it go in real terms. Yes, protect yourself but why cling to a relationship that you constantly feel you have to police?

Work out why you want to be with him and measure that against the things you find difficult. Habit is no reason to stay with someone when you or he could have a happier life wit hsomeone else...or on your own.

burnoutbabe

i was lucky, I got a "work husband" in that we'd lunch together every day and chat/!!!!! about our boss etc.

I say lucky, as he was gay, therefore there was no specific issue with doing this. No worry anyone saw it as cheating or some sort of "emotional affair".

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

Indeed. Yet you can't see the difference? Op has just confirmed HE, yes HE thinks she's inappropriate, but still keeps up the constant texts and drinks to which she is NOT invited.

I get the whole feeling your posts have come across as smug and an underlying nastiness towards the op. "Look how cool and relaxed I am, not possessive".

When actually, your posts have no relevance to ops situation at all.

I went out with a male friend the other day, husband was fine, great. Got nothing to do with op.

So I'm not sure why you keep harping on about your adventures and how well rounded you are. You aren't the only person who manages to understand the opposite sex can be friends, op included.

Fair enough. Everybody has their opinion. And I do feel a bit smug that, instead of having the mental ex make it his main aim for each day to work out my passwords and unlock codes to find me guilty of a thought crime, I'm with someone who actually respects me enough to trust me not to screw the first guy that comes along that I actually enjoy talking and having a laugh with.

If he's not interested, he's not interested. But if he's feeling like he's being found guilty of something he hasn't even done, well - it could get to the point of thinking 'may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb' with somebody else. I didn't. I left him instead, but not before finding out that he'd been sending nasty messages to all my friends telling them to leave me alone.

I'm not unpleasant to anybody in person, unless they are unpleasant to me, and rarely even then. Snippy messages declaring possession would count as being unpleasant, even without insulting my appearance. It's not my appearance that people are friends with, it's what's inside that counts - and the contrast between somebody supportive and friendly and somebody squealing 'he's mine! Back off!' doesn't do anything but make the other person come across unfavourably.



I'm not saying that everybody is the same, but the knowledge I have is based upon my personal experiences. Sometimes it can help to hear things from the other side. Sometimes people get all defensive and aggressive because they can't see past their own opinions.

Whatever.

Person_one

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

And texted The Fella just before he finished work to see if he wanted to drop into the pub where we were, on the way home. He did, had one drink and then went off to do what he has to do this evening.

No stress, no possessiveness, no hassle. And that's the way a healthy relationship should work.

I'm glad you're happy, but I don't understand how any of your posts are supposed to help the OP...

flashnazia

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Fair enough. Everybody has their opinion. And I do feel a bit smug that, instead of having the mental ex make it his main aim for each day to work out my passwords and unlock codes to find me guilty of a thought crime, I'm with someone who actually respects me enough to trust me not to screw the first guy that comes along that I actually enjoy talking and having a laugh with.

If he's not interested, he's not interested. But if he's feeling like he's being found guilty of something he hasn't even done, well - it could get to the point of thinking 'may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb' with somebody else. I didn't. I left him instead, but not before finding out that he'd been sending nasty messages to all my friends telling them to leave me alone.

I'm not unpleasant to anybody in person, unless they are unpleasant to me, and rarely even then. Snippy messages declaring possession would count as being unpleasant, even without insulting my appearance. It's not my appearance that people are friends with, it's what's inside that counts - and the contrast between somebody supportive and friendly and somebody squealing 'he's mine! Back off!' doesn't do anything but make the other person come across unfavourably.



I'm not saying that everybody is the same, but the knowledge I have is based upon my personal experiences. Sometimes it can help to hear things from the other side. Sometimes people get all defensive and aggressive because they can't see past their own opinions.

Whatever.

I think you are confusing your psycho ex with the op? The two are not the same!

pimento

vix84 wrote: »

...he came home in a mood after said stressful day and barely spoke to me as he'd met up with her to unload...

The other day he lied about seeing her ... it is getting to that point where he has to sneak around ...

...i have already caught him out emotionally cheating a few years back which almost put an end to us

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's a duck.

yvonne13_2

OP your boyfriend has started lying and sneaking around because you can't understand that this female isn't a threat to you or your relationship.

Don't worry until you need too, tell him to invite her around and check her out yourself instead of going on facebook to see what she looks like. Sort your head out before "She's not his type" becomes his type.

Errata

pimento wrote: »

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's a duck.

Indeed, the OP's just moved in with him and is finding out what he's up to.