What to do when punishments don't work?

kingfisherblue

OP, it sounds as though you are struggling, and obviously you are worried about your son and his future. How is your son doing at school? Is he learning, even though he lacks concentration? Or is he behind for his age? Does he tolerate sitting long enough for assembly, even if he is fidgeting? Is his handwriting legible? Can he form letters and numbers properly? Is he immature for his age in other ways? How?

If you are taking your son to the GP, he may want to know these things, as it will help him to get an overall view of your son.

It might be useful to keep a diary of your son and his behaviour to show to your GP. Book a double appointment if possible.

Consider having your son's hearing checked. Does he ignore things that are said to him when you are not directly face to face with him? Does he perhaps hear only part of the sentence or question - usually the beginning or end?

Apart from autism and Aspergers, there are lots of possibilities. My youngest was far naughtier than his brother and sister, and had a lot of problems with anger. For him, the trigger was his dad leaving when he was five years old. Now that he is older, he has explained to me that he thought it was his fault, and that he loved his dad but also hated him for leaving. It didn't help that he started a new family straight away. My son's anger is much more controlled now, he has a greater understanding and knows that he isn't to blame for his dad leaving. He still loses his temper at times - who doesn't? But he is much happier and better behaved now than he was during his primary school years, despite the fact that he liked primary school and isn't keen on secondary, and that he is going through puberty at the moment and has had some non-related health problems.

Whatever happens, you need more support, whether from your GP, school, or external sources. I hope that you and your OH are pulling together on this, as you need to be consistent in what you do. You might find it useful to repeat yourself slowly and quietly when your son has done something wrong - 'we don't hit anyone, it hurts them' - until your son seems to be listening. Losing your temper adds to the stress of the situation for everyone. I find a few deep breaths and a conscious effort to keep my voice low and level is helpful.

I hope that you manage to find the cause of your son's behaviour, and more importantly, find a way to deal with it.

Good luck,

KFB x

afaulkner66

ValHaller wrote: »

If you have no idea what you want, the lad will almost certainly get a prescription for Ritalin. Which might help but it deals with symptoms rather than causes.

I want help, in the past I have been a HomeStart volunteer and did all the positive parenting courses as well as other courses aimed at tackling 'bad behavior' I have been using strategies to help raise my children, but as I've said before I just don't know what to do. I have been dealing with this for the past 6 years and know myself it can't go on. My son has the potential to be a wonderful young man, he just needs some help to get him to make the right choices himself. Yesterday it came to a head and I finally realised I do need help to achieve this, the decision to post on here wasn't easy as I feel I have let my son down. IF medicating my son did come up, it wouldn't even be considered until every other avenue had been fully exhausted.

Prothet_of_Doom

ASPERGIC ? I don't like to label anyone, but there are signs, that he is failing to develop a social understanding.

Professional Assessment might be a start.
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I have a nephew with this issue, and punishment won't help. The only think that helps is constant teaching and coaching about what other people will be feeling and thinking about what he just did, or about what he intends to do.

afaulkner66

Tenyearstogo wrote: »

Bedwetting at 7 does not warrant a paediatric referral.

Last time I mentioned the bed wetting to my son's Health Visitor, I was told if it doesn't stop before the age of 7 to see the GP as they do sleep/ bedwetting clinics but won't consider sending him until he is 7.

afaulkner66

Thanks Kingfisherblue, there are no external reasons he should be acting this way. No matter how bad he behaves I never lose my temper, in fact I'm probably one of the only parents around here who don't shout at their children, although even if I did I doubt he would listen to me. Both myself and my husband have the same parenting techniques, we make a point never to undermine each other, especially in front of the kids.

At 7, I believe he should know that there are consequences to him actions and this is what we are struggling to get him to understand. When he does something to someone else we do sit down and explain to him what he's done wrong and will flip it round and ask if he would like it done to him and how he would feel if it was.

ValHaller

afaulkner66 wrote: »

I want help, in the past I have been a HomeStart volunteer and did all the positive parenting courses as well as other courses aimed at tackling 'bad behavior' I have been using strategies to help raise my children, but as I've said before I just don't know what to do. I have been dealing with this for the past 6 years and know myself it can't go on. My son has the potential to be a wonderful young man, he just needs some help to get him to make the right choices himself. Yesterday it came to a head and I finally realised I do need help to achieve this, the decision to post on here wasn't easy as I feel I have let my son down. IF medicating my son did come up, it wouldn't even be considered until every other avenue had been fully exhausted.

Don't get me wrong, there may be a time to go to the GP - and not necessarily as a last resort. But you need to go with an expectation - and I think that the collective knowledge here will have at least as much clue for what is required as most GPs.

I am sure that no one here would think for one moment that you are letting him down

afaulkner66 wrote: »

Thanks Kingfisherblue, there are no external reasons he should be acting this way. No matter how bad he behaves I never lose my temper, in fact I'm probably one of the only parents around here who don't shout at their children, although even if I did I doubt he would listen to me. Both myself and my husband have the same parenting techniques, we make a point never to undermine each other, especially in front of the kids.

At 7, I believe he should know that there are consequences to him actions and this is what we are struggling to get him to understand. When he does something to someone else we do sit down and explain to him what he's done wrong and will flip it round and ask if he would like it done to him and how he would feel if it was.

As you say, there appears to be no external reason. So that only leaves internal reasons ....

While you are right about knowing about consequences, unless your immediate strategy is to beat this out of him, I suggest you put lessons about consequences aside for the moment. He can barely come to terms with himself, he cannot empathize with others he interacts with and to introduce punishment as a consequence from a 3rd party - yourselves - is taking this beyond the complexity he can handle

I suggest exploring his thinking and reasoning behind incidents and listening to that and see what that tells you - trying to get him to empathize with his victims may just cover over some messages. Perhaps it will confirm you need to investigate Aspergers - autism. Perhaps it will lead you off down a different path.

Take it away from the incident with the girl he hit with a stick. I would suggest asking him hypothetically about whether he would attack a dog barking behind a gate for example - why he might or might not do it and whehter there are any limits - like would he do it to any size of dog. As Mum, it will be very tempting to use what he says to teach him things. I suggest you avoid the temptation to react to what he says - aim to take something away to think about. This needs listening to above all.

harrys_nan

Op, I havent any advice to give you, but I do agree with seeking professional help. I understand how frustrated you must be getting.Dont let people put you off seeking the help you need, sometimes we all need a little help from other people.
You sound like a good caring parent.

dll74

My Son has ADHD and ODD was diagnosed at age twelve - he is also under the care of Medical Pediatrics for urinary issues although not bed wetting.
May I suggest that the OP keeps a diary of behaviour even just for a few days prior to visiting the GP?
I find that it can be easy to forget when face to face with a Dr particularly if they ask about any other difficulties you child may have and your mind goes blank.
For whoever was spraffing about GPs handing out Ritalin that is utter rubbish. They are not qualified to do so. Ritalin(one of the brands of Methylphenidate) is prescribed by CAMHS with GPs taking over repeating the prescription once a dose has been settled on.
I am in Scotland but can't think why this would be any different in England.
I would agree that the first port of call should be your GP and wish you well OP.

Prothet_of_Doom

There_Goes_Trouble wrote: »

This all sounds very like my nephew, who at age 12 has recently been diagnosed with aspergers. I would definitely see the GP, but my sister had to fight to get my nephew refered so be prepared to be a 'pushy parent' if you're not happy with the answers you get.

And once you get the diagnosis, there is no support available unless you push even harder.

Mojisola

afaulkner66 wrote: »

Hi, I have a 7 year old son who has always been a handful, but recently I have come to the end of my tether with him.

I also have DD 10, DS 9 and DD 1.

afaulkner66 wrote: »

I want help, in the past I have been a HomeStart volunteer and did all the positive parenting courses as well as other courses aimed at tackling 'bad behavior' I have been using strategies to help raise my children, but as I've said before I just don't know what to do.

I have been dealing with this for the past 6 years and know myself it can't go on. My son has the potential to be a wonderful young man, he just needs some help to get him to make the right choices himself.

Yesterday it came to a head and I finally realised I do need help to achieve this, the decision to post on here wasn't easy as I feel I have let my son down. IF medicating my son did come up, it wouldn't even be considered until every other avenue had been fully exhausted.

As an experienced parent with the added benefit of the Home Start training, you know that the time has come for outside help.

Don't let people on a forum who don't know you or your son put you off getting it.