What to do when punishments don't work?

afaulkner66

Hi, I have a 7 year old son who has always been a handful, but recently I have come to the end of my tether with him. Today I have had a parent knock on my door because DS was swearing at his daughter, DS also hit her with a stick. When you ask him about his behavior he will normally say he doesn't know why he does it or he doesn't mean to. DH took DS to get a sorry card for the girl that he hit, DS sat there and asked why he had to write the card, in his mind because she wasn't crying he didn't hurt her.

This isn't the first instance of behavior like this, I have taken things off him, sent him to bed, tried reward charts, positive re enforcement but nothing seems to be working. It's like he detaches himself and doesn't listen/ understand when you talk to him about it. I'm worried his behavior is just going to get worse and worse.

When he is good he is an amazing, loving little boy, he just doesn't seem to be able to show empathy for his actions. I don't want him to be tarred as being the 'naughty boy'.

I also have DD 10, DS 9 and DD 1.

Any advice on how to curb this behavior will be gratefully received.

ValHaller

Forget about punishment and reward charts and all this stuff.

Set about understanding him and why he does it. Yes, I know you are not supposed to understand offenders, you are supposed to punish them.

But I think if you understood what was going off in his head, you would fairly quickly identify the disconnect and how to deal with it would be much more obvious.

This is fairly telling

in his mind because she wasn't crying he didn't hurt her.

and I think it rather points out the deficit in his understanding.

double_mummy

afaulkner66 wrote: »

I don't want him to be tarred as being the 'naughty boy'.

maybe him having this title will be the best punishment no one will want to play with him and he will learn that people dont want to be around him if his behavior is nasty

i think it is slightly worrying what Val quoted have you discussed this with him i understand that with that many children it must be difficult but it may just take some one on one time with him discussing feelings maybe some good books on the subject may help for you to read together

afaulkner66

I have tried talking to him, both myself and my husband have spent one on one time with him to try to find out why he keeps acting this way, but he doesn't know. He knows what he does is wrong, but it's like he can't help himself. This has been on going since he was a toddler, but not to this extent.

I scares me the way he has no remorse or empathy. Other children not playing with him wont bother him as he struggles to make friends anyway, he likes to be 'in charge' when playing and likes to play his way or not at all.

double_mummy

have you taken him to a professional? the lack of empathy can be a sign of something wrong

the fact that his behavior is also getting worse is cause for concern how is with his siblings?

Guest101

It could be multiple things.

ADHD sounds like a possible cause, but obviously im not going to diagnose him on an internet forum.

Simple psychological tricks do still work, and re-inforecment is a good one. Keep structure, keep punishments consistent. Home, schoolwork, playtime, bed, repeat and repeat.

My DS says i dunno to loads of things he does, but he picks up on things

afaulkner66

Most of the time he is fine and they can all be the best of friends, but then at times he can be horrible with them all. He has hit all of them one time or another, and will only grudgingly apologize.

He has never seen a professional, but I have this evening emailed the school requesting a meeting with his teacher to see how he is at school, my older children have told me things that have concerned me about his behavior during break and dinners, but nothing has been noted in his personal planner.

DigForVictory

Have you spoken to his teachers at school? As they're likely going to be involved with any path forward, and also to have views on how to help both you and your son.

Better_Days

What do his teachers say at school about his behaviour? Does he exhibit this behaviour at school?

I have a 5 year old nephew and my SIL was called into the school for a meeting to be informed that they thought my nephew is on the autistic spectrum. So the school picked up pretty early on that they thought that my nephew may have difficulties in some areas. (His older (half) brother is severely autistic so that may have alerted the school to potential problems earlier than usual.)

afaulkner66

In the past I have been told about his inability to sit still and do tasks with the class, and his head described him as "a character" at his last parents evening. The trouble with the school is the children have to line up in the play ground and walk round to their class, in the evening they are sent out into the playgroup from around the back of the school so you are unable to catch the teacher to talk which is why I've now requested a meeting. I need their support to make sure we implement the same things to keep the consistency between home and school.

double_mummy

it maybe an idea to get him to your gp