update to husband having a texting "affair"

paulineb_2

CH27 wrote: »

He's emotionally blackmailing her by threatening suicide if she leaves him.
Do you really think he will have a rational conversation about her leaving or finding a way forward?

He betrayed her trust & now he is saying her feelings don't matter.

They have to find a way forward somehow.

rocketqueen

I cant talk to him about it as, as soon as I mention how I feel he starts crying, saying he's sorry, telling me he cant live without me etc. This might all mean a bit more to me if he was more concerned about me the rest of the time, but he's only like this if I try to talk the rest of the time he shows relative indifference towards me.

An example is Saturday, I worked 8-8 he was at home. I got home he'd cooked his own meal and not left me any, he was playing the xbox when I got in and barely even acknowledged I was home. I tried to talk to him about my day and he huffed at me because he had to pause the game. Think I'd been home over hour before he turned it off. (Not that I care he's playing xbox, but then he tells me how much he hates me working as he misses me.)

He's only sorry when I try to talk to him and he doesn't think he's going to like what I have to say.

paulineb_2

rocketqueen wrote: »

I cant talk to him about it as, as soon as I mention how I feel he starts crying, saying he's sorry, telling me he cant live without me etc. This might all mean a bit more to me if he was more concerned about me the rest of the time, but he's only like this if I try to talk the rest of the time he shows relative indifference towards me.

An example is Saturday, I worked 8-8 he was at home. I got home he'd cooked his own meal and not left me any, he was playing the xbox when I got in and barely even acknowledged I was home. I tried to talk to him about my day and he huffed at me because he had to pause the game. Think I'd been home over hour before he turned it off. (Not that I care he's playing xbox, but then he tells me how much he hates me working as he misses me.)

He's only sorry when I try to talk to him and he doesn't think he's going to like what I have to say.

So what do you want to do? And how do you think you'll get to that point.

LannieDuck

rocketqueen wrote: »

I cant talk to him about it as, as soon as I mention how I feel he starts crying, saying he's sorry, telling me he cant live without me etc.

Ignore it. Cut him off and tell him how you're feeling.

"Stop! Listen to me. Stop crying, stop feeling sorry for yourself. This isn't about you anymore. It's about me.

You hurt me, and I'm trying hard to be ok with it, but you're not making it easy. If you really want to save this relationship, I need some things from you.

* I feel as if you don't care about me. You're never happy to see me, and you don't seem to want to talk to me.

* I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who feels they have to guilt-trip me into staying. I want to be in a relationship because I love and trust the other person. I don't trust you anymore, and you're not doing anything to help me with that."

Etc etc

Maybe a letter would be easier for you?

HeadAboveWater

Was actually going to suggest a letter too, but lannieduck got there before me!

It will be a really hard letter to write, believe me, but it may be the only way you get a proper chance to tell him exactly how you feel. Maybe leave it for him for when you're heading to work or something, so he has time to read the letter, digest and think before you come home again.

Mojisola

HeadAboveWater wrote: »

Was actually going to suggest a letter too, but lannieduck got there before me!

It will be a really hard letter to write, believe me, but it may be the only way you get a proper chance to tell him exactly how you feel. Maybe leave it for him for when you're heading to work or something, so he has time to read the letter, digest and think before you come home again.

And don't answer the phone if he calls during the day - give him time to think about it and then talk face-to-face.

paddy's_mum

rocketqueen wrote: »

I'd never forgive myself if he did something to himself because [of me] his own selfishness and stupidity.

Rocket queen - I've taken the liberty of correcting this for you.

Take care of yourself and good luck.

tayforth

rocketqueen wrote: »

Thanks for all the replys sorry I'm only just updating.

Regardless of the legal/moral situation and fact its his fault I wouldn't contemplate throwing him out, if someone goes it'll be me. He brought the flat before we lived together, he paid all the deposit, his name is on the lease and he pays the mortgage - so rightly or wrongly in my eyes if we split up the flat stays with him.

Unfortunately so does the cat, as its also his and leaving her will be really hard.

Just don't want to be at home anymore, I keep staying late at work to avoid being at home.

I don't think he'd actually carry out his threat, as I've known him for years and he's never had any kind of mental health problems etc which would lead me to believe he'd go through with it. Think it was him saying that he'd kill himself that was the last straw to be honest as it seems such a pathetic and psycologicial bullying way of getting someone to stay with you. If he hadn't have said that I think our marriage would've stood a chance but I've come to realise he's used this kind of psycologicial behaviour before to get his own way. Telling me he doesn't like me working weekends and he gets lonely as a reason for texting other girls for example. Or asking me not to go on holiday with my friends as he'll miss me.

Its just so hard to imagine actually going, I still care about him and don't want to hurt him (even after what he's done) and he seems to think everything is ok now. But I cant go on feeling like this.

Don't think he'd ever agree to counselling etc.

Hi rocketqueen, I really feel for you. I've read through this thread and skimmed the previous one. Your husband sounds as if he only cares about himself. TBH, it sounds like you've already left him emotionally. You're already thinking of the practicalities of leaving - scary as they may be, they're details. You are strong enough to leave, should you decide to do so.

Do not be taken in by his emotional blackmail. How cruel and selfish of him to threaten suicide. I agree with those who say that he's unlikely to do it, but even if he did, it wouldn't be your fault. After you leave, let his family know about his suicide threats - that way, your conscience will be clear and it will be up to them to handle it.

BTW, I was the exact same as you; I stayed late at work and didn't want to go home. That shouldn't happen. Home is meant to be your sanctuary, and if you're at the point where you'd rather be at work, then you know that something is very wrong.

I'll post a link to my thread if you like; it's quite long, but full of wonderful advice, insights and support from some truly lovely posters. Some of whom are posting in this thread (hello everyone).

xxx

spirit

Hi Tay

I was kinda hoping you'd post on this thread to help this lady.

tayforth

spirit wrote: »

Hi Tay

I was kinda hoping you'd post on this thread to help this lady.

Hi spirit, and thanks. I am going to post an update later, sorry for being MIA

I hope that all is well with you.