update to husband having a texting "affair"

tinkerbell28

rocketqueen wrote: »

Thanks for all the replys sorry I'm only just updating.

Regardless of the legal/moral situation and fact its his fault I wouldn't contemplate throwing him out, if someone goes it'll be me. He brought the flat before we lived together, he paid all the deposit, his name is on the lease and he pays the mortgage - so rightly or wrongly in my eyes if we split up the flat stays with him.

Unfortunately so does the cat, as its also his and leaving her will be really hard.

Just don't want to be at home anymore, I keep staying late at work to avoid being at home.

I don't think he'd actually carry out his threat, as I've known him for years and he's never had any kind of mental health problems etc which would lead me to believe he'd go through with it. Think it was him saying that he'd kill himself that was the last straw to be honest as it seems such a pathetic and psycologicial bullying way of getting someone to stay with you. If he hadn't have said that I think our marriage would've stood a chance but I've come to realise he's used this kind of psycologicial behaviour before to get his own way. Telling me he doesn't like me working weekends and he gets lonely as a reason for texting other girls for example. Or asking me not to go on holiday with my friends as he'll miss me.

Its just so hard to imagine actually going, I still care about him and don't want to hurt him (even after what he's done) and he seems to think everything is ok now. But I cant go on feeling like this.

Don't think he'd ever agree to counselling etc.

Tried to forget about it, then make out it is your fault for working? He never took responsibility for his actions did he? The last sentence in bold is particularly nasty actually. He is threatening you indirectly. Don't go on holiday, don't go out with your mates as "I miss you, you know what I do when I'm lonely".

It is designed to make him the centre of your universe, to afraid to go away, just incase, or he will text other girls. You say girls, did you find this was not a one off after all?

From your other thread, I don't think you ever stood a chance anyway.

He wanted it all forgotten about and brushed under the carpet and just couldn't be bothered.

What he has done with threatening suicide is emotional blackmail. He also has taken no responsibility for his part in it has he?

Errata

But I cant go on feeling like this.

So what are you going to do about it?

Principia_2

Depending on how you feel, it may be worth going to counselling on your own. I think Relate offers this, although you have to pay, but it can be useful to discuss things through with a neutral person. They don't push you to stay together, just help you sort things through in your own mind.

If he is that desperate to stay with you, then he should be willing to go to counselling if you suggested it as a chance to save the relationship.

DUTR

Person_one wrote: »

How convenient.

I can't say what you have read or not read, but I know there was a thread as recent as the weekend just gone, where a guy found out his wife was having an affair, in fact there has been more than one, and now I can only see one ongoing thread.

Person_one

DUTR wrote: »

I can't say what you have read or not read, but I know there was a thread as recent as the weekend just gone, where a guy found out his wife was having an affair, in fact there has been more than one, and now I can only see one ongoing thread.

Actually I think I do remember that one.

As I recall, one poster told the OP to think about what was missing that 'made' her cheat, I pulled them up on it and got about 20 thanks.

So not exactly what you were suggesting.

DUTR

Person_one wrote: »

Actually I think I do remember that one.

As I recall, one poster told the OP to think about what was missing that 'made' her cheat, I pulled them up on it and got about 20 thanks.

So not exactly what you were suggesting.

Yep, that was the one (I thought I was going mad for a moment) , I wonder why it got deleted?

CH27

paulineb wrote: »

Kick him out? Because he made a mistake? Sorry, but shes married, as you say, its a marital asset, he has the right to stay there as well.

Making someone homeless because they made a mistake? Thats not the advice Id be giving anyone.

An affair isn't a mistake. It's a selfish, calculated deception.

FopMistress

rocketqueen wrote: »

Thanks for all the replys sorry I'm only just updating.

Regardless of the legal/moral situation and fact its his fault I wouldn't contemplate throwing him out, if someone goes it'll be me. He brought the flat before we lived together, he paid all the deposit, his name is on the lease and he pays the mortgage - so rightly or wrongly in my eyes if we split up the flat stays with him.

Unfortunately so does the cat, as its also his and leaving her will be really hard.

Just don't want to be at home anymore, I keep staying late at work to avoid being at home.

I don't think he'd actually carry out his threat, as I've known him for years and he's never had any kind of mental health problems etc which would lead me to believe he'd go through with it. Think it was him saying that he'd kill himself that was the last straw to be honest as it seems such a pathetic and psycologicial bullying way of getting someone to stay with you. If he hadn't have said that I think our marriage would've stood a chance but I've come to realise he's used this kind of psycologicial behaviour before to get his own way. Telling me he doesn't like me working weekends and he gets lonely as a reason for texting other girls for example. Or asking me not to go on holiday with my friends as he'll miss me.

Its just so hard to imagine actually going, I still care about him and don't want to hurt him (even after what he's done) and he seems to think everything is ok now. But I cant go on feeling like this.

Don't think he'd ever agree to counselling etc.

I think you've unconsciously realised that you really do need to do something about this when you say you don't want to go home. Threatening suicide is controlling and also emotional abuse. I split with my husband just over 7 weeks ago and the week before he left I found myself doing internet searches for emotional abuse and it was then when I finally realised that I'd had the best part of 15 years of it. I asked him repeatedly to get counselling for his anger issues but he refused too. I feel for you, I really do. I do think that you need to consider maybe getting some counselling sessions to help sort out in your own head what you need to do to move forward. Don't worry about hurting him - you might actually be doing yourself a favour by saying no more as he's showing you no respect for your feelings or needs whatsoever by using behaviours to make you feel terrible. I did actually leave my husband briefly a few years back but went back because he begged me to. If I knew then what I know now, I'd have kept walking. He obviously doesn't want to change - be the stronger one and do it :grouphug:

LannieDuck

Person_one wrote: »

As I recall, one poster told the OP to think about what was missing that 'made' her cheat, I pulled them up on it and got about 20 thanks.

Ahh, I remember that one too now. I think it was just the one poster who suggested 'something was missing', and I also remember them being pulled up on it.

lillie_put

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Take the cat with you.


He won't top himself.

Totally agree with Jojo take the cat
don't they say Possession is 9 tenths of the law? maybe mistaken but if not whilst your holding the cat then you have possession
Head up you did nothing wrong don't let him make you feel you did
take care
love Lillie_put
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