update to husband having a texting "affair"

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

rocketqueen wrote: »

I cant talk to him about it as, as soon as I mention how I feel he starts crying, saying he's sorry, telling me he cant live without me etc. This might all mean a bit more to me if he was more concerned about me the rest of the time, but he's only like this if I try to talk the rest of the time he shows relative indifference towards me.

An example is Saturday, I worked 8-8 he was at home. I got home he'd cooked his own meal and not left me any, he was playing the xbox when I got in and barely even acknowledged I was home. I tried to talk to him about my day and he huffed at me because he had to pause the game. Think I'd been home over hour before he turned it off. (Not that I care he's playing xbox, but then he tells me how much he hates me working as he misses me.)

He's only sorry when I try to talk to him and he doesn't think he's going to like what I have to say.

That's not normal behaviour. To give you a couple of examples, the Fella got in at 2.15am today. I had my dinner in the evening and used the leftover chicken to make a couple of sandwiches, which I bunged in the fridge for him to take to work this morning. Other times when he's got in late and hasn't had a chance to eat (he tends to not know exactly when he's going to get here, as well - it's supposed to be just after 11pm, but something usually crops up that he has no control over), I've quickly knocked up a snack for him. When he's cooked at his place, he's brought over a box with some in case I haven't eaten yet.

We don't even live together, but it's normal to think of the other person.

We've also got friends who, when they got together, the guy was surprised but really happy that, when she was going home, she would leave a meal for him for when he got in from work. He'd say 'you don't have to do this', but that was the point - she didn't have to do it, but she did, because she was thinking about how he would feel when he got home.





If you don't want to have The Conversation, as I didn't with my ex for pretty much the same reasons - there is no law that says you have to. You can just get yourself a place, wait until he's out and then leave. After all, if he's threatening to do himself in already, it's not going to make it any harder for him (other than the fact it denies him the captive audience for his histrionics). It takes away his power to control and dominate you - which is probably the bit he would be most bothered by.

tayforth

Well said, Jojo.

OP - here is the link to my thread. I hope that you're being kind to yourself today.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4538789

T xxx

FatVonD

I agree with JoJo, you don't owe this guy anything, if it's easier for you to not have The Conversation then so be it, do whatever is right for yourself.

You know what I think you should do? I think you should channel all your hurt and anger into planning how to leave him (preferably while he's at the other end of the sofa since that's where he was gleefully planning his tryst.)

Tell him your bank have recalled your overdraft and he'll have to cover all the mortgage himself this month (and possibly next.) Rustle up the deposit (with a short term loan if needs be) for a little studio flat somewhere close to work and spend some time making it nice. Buy pretty things for you to enjoy there. When you are finally ready to make the move (landlord permitting) get yourself a cat so you have a little thing there relying on you coming home at night so you can't change your mind.

The sooner you get out the closer you are to meeting someone who IS good father material. What are you waiting for, girl?

rocketqueen

Thanks everyone.

Tayforth I have just read some of your thread and will read the rest after work tonight.

Emotions are all over the place today, I'm swinging between angry and wanting to cry.

I REALLY don't think I can see a way back from this to be with my husband again, this is just the last in a long line of emotional abuse looking back over the years.

But even though he's hurt me so badly, I still keep feeling sorry for him - thoughts like "he doesn't know how to use the washing machine" and "he wont know when to pay his credit cards and then he'll end up defaulting on them" (as I pay them via online banking) keep entering my mind.....

Does thinking like that mean I shouldn't be leaving or is it just that you don't stop caring about someone because they've hurt you??? Or more sinisterly is it because he's told me so many times he couldn't cope without me he's brainwashed me into it??

I have somewhere to stay if necessary (friend from work) and she has suggested if I leave we go away for a few days just to avoid the initial guilt trip husband is going to try with me. I work literally 2 mins walk away from my home, so that's going to make it harder too - I can see my flat from parts of my work - so when im there my mind will inevitably wander to my husbands welfare.

Sorry this is all a bit garbled and confused.

amus

rocketqueen wrote: »

Thanks everyone.

Tayforth I have just read some of your thread and will read the rest after work tonight.

Emotions are all over the place today, I'm swinging between angry and wanting to cry.

I REALLY don't think I can see a way back from this to be with my husband again, this is just the last in a long line of emotional abuse looking back over the years.

But even though he's hurt me so badly, I still keep feeling sorry for him - thoughts like "he doesn't know how to use the washing machine" and "he wont know when to pay his credit cards and then he'll end up defaulting on them" (as I pay them via online banking) keep entering my mind.....

Does thinking like that mean I shouldn't be leaving or is it just that you don't stop caring about someone because they've hurt you??? Or more sinisterly is it because he's told me so many times he couldn't cope without me he's brainwashed me into it??

I have somewhere to stay if necessary (friend from work) and she has suggested if I leave we go away for a few days just to avoid the initial guilt trip husband is going to try with me. I work literally 2 mins walk away from my home, so that's going to make it harder too - I can see my flat from parts of my work - so when im there my mind will inevitably wander to my husbands welfare.

Sorry this is all a bit garbled and confused.

I think it's normal for you to be concerned about how he will cope, we can't just switch off and completely stop caring about people we have loved, but its definitely not a reason for you to stay, you are leaving for a very good reason, and just remember if he cared about you that much, he would never have done what he did. He is no longer your responsibility, his actions created this situation, not yours.. Does he have parents close by to help him out?


I think what your work friend has suggested is a very good idea, as no doubt when you leave he will heap on the guilt trips and try to manipulate you into going back.

paddy's_mum

rocketqueen wrote: »

this is just the last in a long line of emotional abuse looking back over the years.

But even though he's hurt me so badly, I still keep feeling sorry for him - thoughts like "he doesn't know how to use the washing machine" and "he wont know when to pay his credit cards and then he'll end up defaulting on them" keep entering my mind.....

Stop it, you silly billy. You're his wife not his mother and he'll have to learn how to do all those things, same as the rest of us.

Think on this .. he could have been investing his time and effort into finding out how the washing machine works rather than finding out how easily he might get into someone else's knickers!

Stop feeling sorry for him and start putting all your concern into taking care of you. He's already told you (in many different, selfish ways) where you come in his list of priorities. He hasn't valued you so now you are absolutely, completely, fully entitled to value and care for yourself -- with as much thought about his welfare as he gave to yours.

I don't think I will ever forget that he sat on the same sofa as you while betraying you :eek:

Good luck, and I second the suggestion of getting a little cat of your own. It's always easier to make changes if someone is there to welcome you home.

rocketqueen

Thank you.

I guess ive just spent so much time doing things for him, its normal to wonder how he will get on when im not there.

He has his mum fairly nearby (when I leave I plan to call her to tell her I have left him, and that he has in the past threatened suicide - that way at least if he does do it I have made someone else aware of his threats. IF I have the conversation with him and her threatens to kill himself whilst im still there, I will call the police and tell them the same thing....)

Errata

Providing he can read, he can work the washing machine (and any other houshold equipment), and understand his CC statements. If he defaults once it's not the end of the world and it will be a lesson in how not to default.
Stop feeling sorry for someone who treats you with utter contempt.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

rocketqueen wrote: »

Thanks everyone.

Tayforth I have just read some of your thread and will read the rest after work tonight.

Emotions are all over the place today, I'm swinging between angry and wanting to cry.

I REALLY don't think I can see a way back from this to be with my husband again, this is just the last in a long line of emotional abuse looking back over the years.

But even though he's hurt me so badly, I still keep feeling sorry for him - thoughts like "he doesn't know how to use the washing machine" and "he wont know when to pay his credit cards and then he'll end up defaulting on them" (as I pay them via online banking) keep entering my mind.....

Does thinking like that mean I shouldn't be leaving or is it just that you don't stop caring about someone because they've hurt you??? Or more sinisterly is it because he's told me so many times he couldn't cope without me he's brainwashed me into it??

I have somewhere to stay if necessary (friend from work) and she has suggested if I leave we go away for a few days just to avoid the initial guilt trip husband is going to try with me. I work literally 2 mins walk away from my home, so that's going to make it harder too - I can see my flat from parts of my work - so when im there my mind will inevitably wander to my husbands welfare.

Sorry this is all a bit garbled and confused.

There's a thing called an 'ON' button. If he can manage to co-ordinate his digits to blast zombies on the X-Box, he can manage to press that button on the washing machine.

If he can manage to operate via X-Box Live and purchase further subs or credits or download things, he's quite capable of making an online payment to his credit card company.

He'll also probably manage to call Mummy if he runs out of clean socks because the Washing Fairy isn't there anymore. After all, he's managed to find and communicate with another woman and make plans to screw her. So use of mobile communications devices isn't alien to him.




He's adopted the helpless little boy persona because it forces you to look after his needs like you would a spoiled child. He's your baby and you mustn't, in his mind, ever be permitted to forget that, even if he's been vewy, vewy naughty, 'cos that would be reaaaaalllly mean to pawr ickle bubba.


Seriously, he's not going to die. He might scweam and scweam and scweam until he's sick, but that's really not your problem.

tayforth

rocketqueen wrote: »

Thanks everyone.

Tayforth I have just read some of your thread and will read the rest after work tonight.

Emotions are all over the place today, I'm swinging between angry and wanting to cry.

I REALLY don't think I can see a way back from this to be with my husband again, this is just the last in a long line of emotional abuse looking back over the years.

But even though he's hurt me so badly, I still keep feeling sorry for him - thoughts like "he doesn't know how to use the washing machine" and "he wont know when to pay his credit cards and then he'll end up defaulting on them" (as I pay them via online banking) keep entering my mind.....

Does thinking like that mean I shouldn't be leaving or is it just that you don't stop caring about someone because they've hurt you??? Or more sinisterly is it because he's told me so many times he couldn't cope without me he's brainwashed me into it??

I have somewhere to stay if necessary (friend from work) and she has suggested if I leave we go away for a few days just to avoid the initial guilt trip husband is going to try with me. I work literally 2 mins walk away from my home, so that's going to make it harder too - I can see my flat from parts of my work - so when im there my mind will inevitably wander to my husbands welfare.

Sorry this is all a bit garbled and confused.

Your friend from work is a gem. Take her up on her offer. I went to stay with a friend for a few days when I was preparing to end my marriage, and she was amazing, she put me back together. A break away will give you some perspective, it's the best thing you could do.

As for your husband, yes it's totally normal to feel guilty - but as paddy's mum says, he should have been figuring out these things while he was plotting to sleep with someone else. He'll manage! Don't waste your pity on him, and certainly don't let it be a reason to stay. He has been manipulating your feelings to the extent that you don't know which way is up. I was the same.

I'm glad that you've read some of my thread. I wouldn't have had the courage to leave if it hadn't been for the amazing support from my fellow MSEers - it was a lifeline, honestly. Not everything will be relevant to you, but a lot of it will. Feel free to PM me anytime xxx