update to husband having a texting "affair"

spirit

rocketqueen wrote: »

Thanks everyone.

Tayforth I have just read some of your thread and will read the rest after work tonight.

Emotions are all over the place today, I'm swinging between angry and wanting to cry.

I REALLY don't think I can see a way back from this to be with my husband again, this is just the last in a long line of emotional abuse looking back over the years.

But even though he's hurt me so badly, I still keep feeling sorry for him - thoughts like "he doesn't know how to use the washing machine" and "he wont know when to pay his credit cards and then he'll end up defaulting on them" (as I pay them via online banking) keep entering my mind.....

Does thinking like that mean I shouldn't be leaving or is it just that you don't stop caring about someone because they've hurt you??? Or more sinisterly is it because he's told me so many times he couldn't cope without me he's brainwashed me into it??

I have somewhere to stay if necessary (friend from work) and she has suggested if I leave we go away for a few days just to avoid the initial guilt trip husband is going to try with me. I work literally 2 mins walk away from my home, so that's going to make it harder too - I can see my flat from parts of my work - so when im there my mind will inevitably wander to my husbands welfare.

Sorry this is all a bit garbled and confused.

re the BIB, you are not his mother/carer. there is nothing on earth which is preventing his being able to do these things himself. If he can organise his own affair, he can do his own admin too.

justme111

It's normal to care for one you shared life with.
emotional Separation is not a oneomwnt thing. It takes time and a few milestones.
It's not normal to stay for that reason though.

rocketqueen

Hello everyone.

Sorry its taken me ages to reply. Not been well for few days.

Things at home are still bad, but husband still seems immune to fact we have a problem. He must realise but doesn't seem too.

Works become my sanctuary at moment which is quite pathetic, but I'm happier their then at home.

Still think leaving is my only option, as don't see myself getting over this. The girl text him on his birthday (I saw the text) so he's obviously still in contact with her.

The thought of actually going is scaring me, doesn't seem real as husbands been part of my life since we were kids.

Why does this have to be so hard??

gunsandbanjos

Rocket Queen my heart breaks for you, I know how hard it is to leave someone. I left my husband of 10 years about 7 months ago.

It took a few months to feel better about it but it was definitely the right decision, I am so much happier now.

If he is still in contact with her then that is totally out of order, so disrespectful.

You know the decision you have to make and please respect yourself enough to know that you deserve so much more in life than this.

Softasputty

rocketqueen wrote: »

Hello everyone.

Sorry its taken me ages to reply. Not been well for few days.

Things at home are still bad, but husband still seems immune to fact we have a problem. He must realise but doesn't seem too.

Works become my sanctuary at moment which is quite pathetic, but I'm happier their then at home.

Still think leaving is my only option, as don't see myself getting over this. The girl text him on his birthday (I saw the text) so he's obviously still in contact with her.

The thought of actually going is scaring me, doesn't seem real as

husbands been part of my life since we were kids.

Why does this have to be so hard??

RocketQ I really do sympathise. I'm going through a similar thing at the moment, and I am finding letting go and sticking to my guns the hardest thing. In my case, he has moved out as I own the house but we have a son, who he is visiting every weekend. It's only been a couple of weeks and I find my resolve slipping.

Anyway, less about me and more about you. None of us on here can tell you what to do but from what you are saying in your posts, it sounds as though you see your relationship as over because your OH is showing very little remorse or facing up to how much he has hurt you. If I was you, and I had a get away option by moving in with a friend, I would do that - even if it was to give you and him more time to think. When you have been with someone for such a long time and shared so much with them, it is hard to understand why they have changed so much. It's like they are a different person and all you want is to turn back the clock to when it was good.

I wish you all the best with your decision making RQ x

Funky_Bold_Ribena

rocketqueen wrote: »

Hello everyone.

Sorry its taken me ages to reply. Not been well for few days.

Things at home are still bad, but husband still seems immune to fact we have a problem. He must realise but doesn't seem too.

Works become my sanctuary at moment which is quite pathetic, but I'm happier their then at home.

Still think leaving is my only option, as don't see myself getting over this. The girl text him on his birthday (I saw the text) so he's obviously still in contact with her.

The thought of actually going is scaring me, doesn't seem real as husbands been part of my life since we were kids.

Why does this have to be so hard??

When work is better than home; it really is time to call it a day.

The reason it is scaring you is that the has positioned himself as vulnerable and unable to cope as then he can blame you when he can't do things without you. It's pathetic really. On his front.

When I left the eejit I stupidly bought a house with [who broke every bit of crockery throwing it at me because I wasn't at his beck and call, and who hit me once which was the only time as I left that week] - he had his mother drive past my house every hour the weekend after I left [I was actually at Reading Festival having a great time] so he turned up on the doorstep an hour after I got home pleading with me to come back and [you've heard it here before folks] threatening suicide if I didn't.

I put him in my car, and drove him back to the house, and he even said 'I've learnt how to clean the toilet so that you don't have to do it again'...but I told him I could never return as I was scared of him and why on earth would I do that again? I never heard from him again...until he wanted me off the mortgage 15 years later * and it cost him half the profits on the house to do so.

He is still alive and kicking.

Those that threaten suicide when you break up aren't likely to actually do it. It's a control thing. Do not let yourself fall into the trap.

* long story but I invested the money wisely.

aileth

rocketqueen wrote: »

Hello everyone.

Sorry its taken me ages to reply. Not been well for few days.

Things at home are still bad, but husband still seems immune to fact we have a problem. He must realise but doesn't seem too.

Works become my sanctuary at moment which is quite pathetic, but I'm happier their then at home.

Still think leaving is my only option, as don't see myself getting over this. The girl text him on his birthday (I saw the text) so he's obviously still in contact with her.

The thought of actually going is scaring me, doesn't seem real as husbands been part of my life since we were kids.

Why does this have to be so hard??

Bless you

I can't believe he's still in contact with her, it shows how little respect he has for you. When you feel like work is your sanctuary, that really is alarm bells.

Stay strong, positive, get out of there, you can do it :T

CH27

rocketqueen wrote: »

Hello everyone.

Sorry its taken me ages to reply. Not been well for few days.

Things at home are still bad, but husband still seems immune to fact we have a problem. He must realise but doesn't seem too.

Works become my sanctuary at moment which is quite pathetic, but I'm happier their then at home.

Still think leaving is my only option, as don't see myself getting over this. The girl text him on his birthday (I saw the text) so he's obviously still in contact with her.

The thought of actually going is scaring me, doesn't seem real as husbands been part of my life since we were kids.

Why does this have to be so hard??

That is so telling. Home should be your sanctuary.

tinkerbell28

That is so horrible.

So the woman he was getting all sexual with, then planning meets for sex around your work rota, they are still in contact.

TBH he never showed any respect for you, or genuine remorse, from your posts anyway.

He's obviously feeling "safe" enough to carry on. She obviously feels she is out of the woods now, with regards to telling her husband.

Business as usual soon then

It's hard because you're grieving. You've lost the husband you thought you had.

rocketqueen

Thank you all.

Sorry to hear so many of you have been in similar situations.

The text I saw was just wishing him a happy birthday, and he'd replied with thank you so all pretty innocent BUT why would he remain in contact at all. Says to me he thinks he's away with it now. How can he not have noticed that I'm working so much and don't want any intimate contact since I found out.

Seems like just as I make my mind up to go, I think of something stupid that changes my mind back....my mate says I'm over thinking it all - almost in an attempt to persuade myself to stay - I think there's some truth in that.

Have tried to talk to my mum but she thinks sun shines out of husbands behind (she does not know about the texts though) so there is no point.

Terrified of making the wrong decision.