update to husband having a texting "affair"

bargainbetty

rocketqueen wrote: »

Thought I'd update everyone.

Im still living at home with husband but things are as bad as ever. Think husband has noticed a change in me and is being oddly nice - but im just throwing it back in his face, I know im being nasty to him but cant help it.

Im literally doing anything to avoid being with him, working late etc. Last night I sat in kitchen doing some college work rather then sitting in same room as him. We both have holiday from work after friday for 10 days and im DREADING it, we are also meant to going away for weekend a week this Friday and I don't think I can go through with it - the thought of being with him for all that time is killing me.

on the flip side though im worried if I leave him now, he'll be more likely to do something to himself if he doesn't have work to get up for etc - just keep imaging him sitting here for over a week drinking and then doing something stupid.

Im 99.9 % sure im going to leave him now, hes not the man I married anymore to me. Its just plucking up the courage to actually do it.

Use the weekend. Talk to him. Ignore his histronics, and tell him how you feel. Use the time together to see if he can change. Will he make dinner for you both, will he put down the games controller to spend time with you, will he make any effort at all. You may find that you have ten days of quality time with a man who suddenly realises that he is about to lose something amazing.

If not, you have ten days to go and view flats for yourself, to set up a storage unit to get all your property out from him in one hit. Even if you can stay with a friend for a while, take all that is yours and make it a clean break if possible. Start sorting out your bank accounts etc to get your financial affairs separated.

He won't hurt himself. He won't kill himself. He'll sit on the sofa in his pants playing computer games, possibly drinking a bit too much and cursing you for not being willing to give up your integrity and self-respect to fulfill his wishes.

I reached the point where I couldn't be with my ex anymore. I had lost trust and respect for him. Love becomes awfully hollow without them.

Ask yourself this: What scares you more? The thought of this life continuing, or of that new life starting? I was terrified when I left my ex, and cried about all the pain to my mum, wishing that it wasn't so hard, that it would all go away. 'Easy' she said. 'Take him back. Ignore it all and stay with him forever, knowing this is how it is.'

I've never regretted ending it.
xx

tayforth

rocketqueen wrote: »

Thought I'd update everyone.

Im still living at home with husband but things are as bad as ever. Think husband has noticed a change in me and is being oddly nice - but im just throwing it back in his face, I know im being nasty to him but cant help it.

Im literally doing anything to avoid being with him, working late etc. Last night I sat in kitchen doing some college work rather then sitting in same room as him. We both have holiday from work after friday for 10 days and im DREADING it, we are also meant to going away for weekend a week this Friday and I don't think I can go through with it - the thought of being with him for all that time is killing me.

on the flip side though im worried if I leave him now, he'll be more likely to do something to himself if he doesn't have work to get up for etc - just keep imaging him sitting here for over a week drinking and then doing something stupid.

Im 99.9 % sure im going to leave him now, hes not the man I married anymore to me. Its just plucking up the courage to actually do it.

Good to hear from you again, RQ.

Don't feel bad about being abrupt - this is most likely your subconscious mind trying to protect you and stop you from 'softening' towards him. I was the exact same with my ex before I left him. I could barely bring myself to look at him or speak to him.

I can also identify with the dread at having to spend time with him. But you don't have to. Make some plans. Go and visit a friend, or your family. Get some space to think about your future.

xxx

thorsoak

rocketqueen wrote: »

Thought I'd update everyone.

Im still living at home with husband but things are as bad as ever. Think husband has noticed a change in me and is being oddly nice - but im just throwing it back in his face, I know im being nasty to him but cant help it.

Im literally doing anything to avoid being with him, working late etc. Last night I sat in kitchen doing some college work rather then sitting in same room as him. We both have holiday from work after friday for 10 days and im DREADING it, we are also meant to going away for weekend a week this Friday and I don't think I can go through with it - the thought of being with him for all that time is killing me.

on the flip side though im worried if I leave him now, he'll be more likely to do something to himself if he doesn't have work to get up for etc - just keep imaging him sitting here for over a week drinking and then doing something stupid.

Im 99.9 % sure im going to leave him now, hes not the man I married anymore to me. Its just plucking up the courage to actually do it.

If he does "do something stupid" - then that is his decision, not yours! It will not be your responsibility. He is the person who destroyed your relationship with his behaviour, his wanton disregard of your feelings.

But self-preservation is a wonderful thing,and it is highly unlikely that he will "do something stupid". Just get your thoughts together, organise your documents etc - and let him go!

opinions4u

1. Find yourself a local counsellor. There will be loads within a few miles. It might cost £40-£50 an hour, but it will help you to sort out your emotions. some bigger employers may have access to free counselling.

2. Tell him you're going to talk to him. No anger. Just tell him how you feel and how the situation makes you feel. Tell him how his lack of effort, his continuation of the text relationship etc makes you feel (e.g. it hurts you, it feels like he doesn't care about you, it makes you think that you want to move out or that he should move out). Don't tell him what you think he is (a **** ******). Talk about you and your feelings.

3. Tell him there is no chance for your relationship while there is somebody else in the picture. There is no chance for the relationship while there is ANY contact ever again with the third party in his phone.

4. Ask him what he wants. Ask him what's important to him. (be prepared to hear that, at this stage, he doesn't know).

5. Give him a week (but don't tell him you are giving him a week) where you are as nice as you are able to be (no sex or affection, but getting through the pleasantries of life) and then ask number four again. If he says he wants you then re-think your moving out strategy, there may be hope for the relationship. Otherwise, get out and minimise any contact with him - let him know where you are, but don't instigate any contact with him unless there is practical business to resolve, such as finances etc. Nothing emotional.

6. If you do move out there is a possibility that he'll progress his text relationship to something of more substance (if he hasn't already). Be prepared for this. More likely, it will fizzle out and, within a few months, he'll be asking for another chance. It's your call as to what to do at that point.

7. If he does comply with the no contact, wanting a relationship with you and nobody else and this appeals to you, be prepared for a whole lot of work. Two ways. If you're prepared to do it and he's prepared to do it there's hope - joint counselling really is a must though - Google Relate. If either of you lose faith for more than a day or two at a time it might be wise to pack it in and move on permanently.

Don't start another relationship until at least six months have passed. Give yourself time to be absolutely sure you did want out of this one.

You did nothing wrong. Counselling, single or joint, might help you to better understand yourself and how you can contribute to this or future relationships. It might also help you to become a little more assertive and how to manage somebody who's borderline controlling.

I wish you luck. I wouldn't want to swap places with you. But the two outcomes of "Fixing the relationship and improving it" and "Moving out, moving on and enjoying life" are both desirable. Try not to get caught between them.

Oh, and be prepared to tell your family, his family, and the other woman's family what's going on. Straight forward. Factual. Not emotional. Just "my partner and this other person are having an emotional affair by text and possibly other means. It is making our relationship more than difficult. I just thought you should be aware as you may notice changes in behaviour of those affected by this, including me". Don't just tell one person. Communicate to as many as possible. Facebook messaging is an effective way of doing this. You may not get 100% sympathy (too many others have strayed as well) but you will get understanding. And if your partner goes mad just smile and say "but I was honest".

rocketqueen

Thanks everyone.

Im virtually certain our marriage is over. I REALLY dont think there's any going back from this - he's hurt me too much.

Just wish I could stop caring about him completely over night. But I know life's not like that.

I'd love to do things on my own in my time off, but he doesn't really like me doing that -he likes us to spend all our time together. Another sign ive recently realised of his emotionally bullying behaviour. If I plan to do something without him it'll just cause a row.

If only I could fast forward a month and have moved out.

**professor~yaffle**

rocketqueen wrote: »

Thanks everyone.

Im virtually certain our marriage is over. I REALLY dont think there's any going back from this - he's hurt me too much.

Just wish I could stop caring about him completely over night. But I know life's not like that.

I'd love to do things on my own in my time off, but he doesn't really like me doing that -he likes us to spend all our time together. Another sign ive recently realised of his emotionally bullying behaviour. If I plan to do something without him it'll just cause a row.

If only I could fast forward a month and have moved out.

Bad luck! You didn't really like him blatantly sexting another woman while sitting on the sofa near you.

Tell him you don't want his company anymore. Is it possible for you to leave, in terms of practicalities? Have you got somewhere to go?

Yorkie1

rocketqueen wrote: »

I'd love to do things on my own in my time off, but he doesn't really like me doing that -he likes us to spend all our time together. Another sign ive recently realised of his emotionally bullying behaviour. If I plan to do something without him it'll just cause a row.

If only I could fast forward a month and have moved out.

I think he lost the right to dictate to you when he went off and did his own thing in his own time off. Hope you manage to stay strong.

opinions4u

rocketqueen wrote: »

Thanks everyone.

Im virtually certain our marriage is over. I REALLY dont think there's any going back from this - he's hurt me too much.

Just wish I could stop caring about him completely over night. But I know life's not like that.

For the reasons highlighted I'd strongly suggest not starting a new relationship for a few months. Give yourself the chance to be absolutely certain in your own mind that ending the marriage is the right course of action.

Time alone, beyond any controlling influences and with minimal contact, will get you to the right decision.

Caroline_a

He may not like you doing things without him, and I understand that at the moment it's a little easier to give in to his whims, but for the time being I would have a think about this.

He didn't consider your own feelings at all. So now he shouldn't expect you to consider his. Make up your mind what you want to do on your time off and do it. If he starts ranting just say nothing. An argument is 2 people. One person sounding off just looks foolish.

If he is insistent on you doing things together, then do stuff that you want to do - if he wants to tag along, then make sure it doesnt interfere with your enjoyment. He'll soon get bored...

rocketqueen

Hello everyone.

I nearly told him it was over last night - kept opening my mouth to say it but just couldn't do it.

I've got major dental work this afternoon (that I'm terrified of having done) and he didn't enquire how im getting there or back and this morning he didn't even say good luck or acknowledge im going...he remembered last night as he asked if I needed any money to pay for it - its the things like this that make me think i cant go on being with him.

If I leave I can go and stay with my friend, she'd be more then happy to have me their for as long as I needed.