update to husband having a texting "affair"

System

Life is too short to waste it with people who don't give a !!!! about you. I found that out the hard way myself. You know you deserve better than this, you know you can be happier than this. So do what you have to do to have the life you should have. It may be the hardest thing you've ever had to do, but believe me once you break free you will feel so much better.

Fluff15

He asks you to leave, pulls a few strings making everybody feel sorry for him and has you running back! Bleugh!

You're happier without him, you've experienced that. He's a grown man (doesn't act like one...) and he is not your responsibility. Start living your life for you, stop pandering to a lying man baby who doesn't deserve another minute of your time. He hasn't admitted any responsibility for his actions, or in any way tried making it up to you. He's guilting you in to staying when you have NOTHING to feel guilty about.

Do his friends know exactly what happened? Do his friends know how he has made NO EFFORT to show he is sorry for his actions? Do his friends know he continued to have contact with this woman?! If they start pestering you again, tell them they can look after him.

LannieDuck

Has he apologised for his actions, cut off contact with the other woman, and started paying you a bit more attention in the evenings?

That's the only way I might believe he was genuinely sorry.

Oakie

It sounds as if he making himself appear to be the victim.Wonder what version of events he told his friends in order to get them to call you?
Maybe he needs reminding the situation is of his own making,and maybe other people should know too!
RQ,I think you know what you have to do,and this time take the cat with you.Wishing you all the best

rocketqueen

Morning everyone.

I couldn't quite believe it when he asked me to leave either - im convinced he thought I'd be back in a couple of days begging to come home and then when I didn't he began to panic.

I was expecting to come back to find the flat a mess etc, but it was tidier then ever, he'd done all the washing cleaning etc. He'd been to the bank 3 days after I left to sort out his own online banking. He seemed to have coped strangely well - even though his messages to me were all doom and gloom.

He is trying very hard but its just annoying me - hes constantly asking if im ok and need/want anything. He just wants to put it all behind us and move on but I don't think its that easy.

its my birthday in a couple days and he said yesterday he hasn't got me anything yet as wasn't sure I'd be back - seemed an odd thing to be worried about.

Just doesn't feel like anythings changed apart from I feel weaker for going back and missing my old life.

paulineb_2

You do have choices, if you really do not want to be with him, you can leave or you can ask him to leave until you decide what to do with the house, I cant remember from previous messages whether its his or whether you jointly own or rent.

You dont have to stay in a relationship that isnt working for you and if you do need to tell joint friends what he did, then so be it, you dont need to be emotionally blackmailed into coming back.

And its natural to miss your old life, but do you honestly want to be with this man?

I think leaving and coming back, unless you leave soon or ask him to leave, might make it tougher for you to leave again, you cant get into a pattern of leaving, returning, leaving, returning, its not healthy for either of you.

troubleinparadise

Just doesn't feel like anythings changed apart from I feel weaker for going back and missing my old life.

Both of you have changed - what he did destroyed the old life: the mutual goals, trust, working towards the same things together.

Funnily enough he can do housework and look after his own finances and so on, although it was probably easier to let you do it before because it takes less effort.

I can understand you missing your old life, but you have changed and won't be able to go back to that - it is impossible to erase the actions he took which altered that. And I can understand you wanting to keep trying to see if you are making a terrible mistake by walking away from him.

But perhaps the one thing you need to realise is that for a few days away from him you had peace of mind, and were in control of your own happiness, not at the mercy of his actions and unreliability.

You can put your own needs on the back burner for some semblance of a relationship. Being on your own is scary, especially after being together for so long, and the destruction of the joint future you thought you had together.

But living with constant fear and insecurity is horrible, and a big price to pay for "being in a relationship"

You deserve better....

aileth

rocketqueen wrote: »

its my birthday in a couple days and he said yesterday he hasn't got me anything yet as wasn't sure I'd be back - seemed an odd thing to be worried about.

AKA, "Oh sh*t I forgot it's her birthday, better make up an excuse to make me the victim."

teawithmilk

Hi RQ, I was also the one who was forced to leave my home as my husband refused to budge. I had all the horrible upheaval and expense of finding somewhere else to live and it has been really hard. In the first week I almost gave in and went back- like you I didnt want to be in a strange house, missed my routines, missed my familiar "stuff" around me- I even missed him for company even though he was making me miserable at the same time- its hard not having another grown up around even if you argue all the time.

The first 2 weeks was awful- I had to force myself to go to sleep every night, I had nights and nights where I was up and unable to sleep for worry.....but each day did get a tiny bit easier until after about 2 weeks my new house started to feel more like home and I had started new routines, like a new time to leave the house for work etc.

Now 4 months on so much has changed and even though its still really really hard on my own I feel so much happier that I can do whatever I want, watch what I want on telly, leave the house whenever I want, do what I want on a weekend without having his prescence looming over me and his disapproval and sarky horrible comments...or his little boy attitude where I felt obliged to do everything for him and have to jump to attention every time he wanted me to do anything and started making a fuss.

He is still in the same house but I have moved on so much- literally- I now have my own house that he doesnt even know about! Its mine, mine mine!!!! I can put whatever I want in it, I love the colour blue and he hated blue so we never had anything that colour- guess what, Ive filled my house with blue!

My husband never cheated on me, in many ways to an outsider he would appear like a model husband...but I dont think he ever really loved me.....and its taken me a long time to come round to the idea but I would rather be on my own than be with someone just for the sake of it. I tried to leave him (briefly) years ago and then I went back and a tiny part of me always hated myself for being weak and giving in, taking the easy option to go back into familiarity, rather than sticking it out.

Good luck with everything.....be strong......its not a crime to have doubts about your decisions. Im always worrying if I have done the best thing but its done now and Im still alive and kicking and starting to get more of a life for myself xx

rocketqueen

Hello everyone

thought I'd update you all. I'm still back living with my husband, but things are still bad. He forgot our wedding anniversary at the weekend and we've both been off work for few days and I've been ill, so stuck in each others pockets.

We haven't had any kind of intimate relationship for months now and I'm really missing hugs and cuddling. But he's just not same man to me any more. I cant imagine its ever going to go back to way it was.

Think xmas approaching is just making me sad about the fact it looks like this will be our last together.

I don't feel strong anymore, but know in my heart its definitely over.

Sorry for such a "down" post but things have got on top of me.