update to husband having a texting "affair"

sportbeth

Sadly I'm another member of this former victims club and I left because of it. It is disgraceful that he is still in contact with her, my ex got in contact with the woman he had an affair with BEFORE we got married, after I married him on the condition that he was allowed that one mistake so I know how you feel.

Fortunately, as Tayforth will probably agree with, there is a moment in time (and it's difficult to spot when) that your patience snaps, your Grrrr face kicks in and you suddenly stop loving them. From that moment onwards it all gets a lot easier. I remember a friend of mine telling me I "wasnt quite there yet" one night as I sat there in floods of tears. 3 months later she saw me and said "you're there now then!"

Big hugs to you until you get there, and ignore all desperate pleading, useless emotional blackmail and huffing until you get there. I've seen it all. I've also been branded to the new girlfriend as the b*tch of an exwife that cheated on him. That's fine, I'm still ten times happier!

Big hugs to you xx

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

rocketqueen wrote: »

Hello everyone.

Sorry its taken me ages to reply. Not been well for few days.

Things at home are still bad, but husband still seems immune to fact we have a problem. He must realise but doesn't seem too.

Works become my sanctuary at moment which is quite pathetic, but I'm happier their then at home.

Still think leaving is my only option, as don't see myself getting over this. The girl text him on his birthday (I saw the text) so he's obviously still in contact with her.

The thought of actually going is scaring me, doesn't seem real as husbands been part of my life since we were kids.

Why does this have to be so hard??

1. He doesn't think there's a problem because he thinks his wailing and gnashing teeth act has worked. So there's a good chance that he thinks he's got away with it, so will be back making arrangements again.

2. It's hard because he's deliberately making it hard for you.

tayforth

rocketqueen wrote: »

Guess up until this point I've avoided telling my mum as if we stay together it'd make things awkward in future for him and her. Haven't really told anyone apart from 1old friend and 2 friends at work. Not too sure why I haven't told anyone think I'm bit embarressed.

I know deep down our marriage is over and I cant get back the way it was. So guess on some level I am grieving for the loss of the man I thought id grow old with.

thanks everyone I'll keep you all updated.

This was me as well, RQ. I didn't tell a single soul - because I was ashamed of what I was putting up with. I didn't even realise it at the time, but I admitted it to myself afterwards.

BUT I wasn't ready to 'burn my bridges' by telling friends, because I wasnt ready to leave. I knew that, if I did tell them, they'd all be on my back, urging me to leave. And if I wasn't ready to leave, or I had doubts, or I later changed my mind, I could picture their reaction.

In the end, it all got too much and I ended up going to the Samaritans. By that stage, I was so drained, I was barely able to think straight or put one foot in front of the other.

You're one step ahead of where I was. By telling even one person, you're putting into words what you're feeling. You're lighting the match.

(((((Hugs))))) to you xxx

p.s. the grieving is totally normal, I did that too (even before we broke up). So be kind to yourself.

snow_ball wrote: »

I'm not a big poster on this forum, but wanted to say I'm another one who's been through a very similar experience. It was online, nothing physical but it showed me he had zero respect for me.

I too stayed out of fear of the unknown (we'd been together for years since our teens) and I couldn't imagine how I'd cope on my own.

My feelings slowly died and I eventually ended it and after the first 6 months of being on my own, I knew I'd be ok. That was 5 or 6 years ago and it was the best thing I've ever done. I took nothing with me and had to move back in with my mum, but I'm so glad I did because now I'm truly happy and not constantly wondering if I deserve better.

I did. And it sounds like you do too x

I can identify with this. I was terrified to leave. It felt like the scariest thing ever, and I agonised over it. But, once the love and respect I felt for him were gone, that was it.

It's almost 6 months on, and I can honestly say that I don't regret my decision. I just wish that I'd done it sooner.

It's wonderful to hear that you're several years down the road, snow_ball, and still happy. I'm delighted to hear it. Wishing you all the best xx

sportbeth wrote: »

Sadly I'm another member of this former victims club and I left because of it. It is disgraceful that he is still in contact with her, my ex got in contact with the woman he had an affair with BEFORE we got married, after I married him on the condition that he was allowed that one mistake so I know how you feel.

Fortunately, as Tayforth will probably agree with, there is a moment in time (and it's difficult to spot when) that your patience snaps, your Grrrr face kicks in and you suddenly stop loving them. From that moment onwards it all gets a lot easier. I remember a friend of mine telling me I "wasnt quite there yet" one night as I sat there in floods of tears. 3 months later she saw me and said "you're there now then!"

Big hugs to you until you get there, and ignore all desperate pleading, useless emotional blackmail and huffing until you get there. I've seen it all. I've also been branded to the new girlfriend as the b*tch of an exwife that cheated on him. That's fine, I'm still ten times happier!

Big hugs to you xx

Yes. This is all true.

I remember sportbeth posting on my thread several times. I was touched and reassured by her story - it gave me hope for the future. Which is, I hope, what we're doing for you, RQ.

bagpussbear

I can't believe your husband is being so disrespectful to you by still keeping in touch with her after all has been said and done. He is taking you for a fool by thinking you won't actually call time on the relationship.

I feel very sorry for you OP, and can only wish you the strength when you find the right time to end it with him.

all the very best.

snow_ball

Thanks Tayforth, I remember reading one of your earlier threads and you seem to be doing amazing now! x

I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted, and needed, and for me that was the key, not rushing it. You definitely need to grieve for the life you thought you'd have with that person so that you can focus on re-building your own.

Now I have an amazing relationship and feel lucky every day, cos I know what I almost settled for.

tayforth

snow_ball wrote: »

Thanks Tayforth, I remember reading one of your earlier threads and you seem to be doing amazing now! x

I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted, and needed, and for me that was the key, not rushing it. You definitely need to grieve for the life you thought you'd have with that person so that you can focus on re-building your own.

Now I have an amazing relationship and feel lucky every day, cos I know what I almost settled for.

Thanks, snow_ball, it's lovely of you to say so. :A I only have the one thread, but it's rather long and rambly now lol.

I'm so happy that you're in an amazing relationship, it's no more than you deserve. Well done for taking that leap of faith - although I'm sure that you knew deep down that you'd be happier without your ex, whatever happened.

rocketqueen

Thought I'd update everyone.

Im still living at home with husband but things are as bad as ever. Think husband has noticed a change in me and is being oddly nice - but im just throwing it back in his face, I know im being nasty to him but cant help it.

Im literally doing anything to avoid being with him, working late etc. Last night I sat in kitchen doing some college work rather then sitting in same room as him. We both have holiday from work after friday for 10 days and im DREADING it, we are also meant to going away for weekend a week this Friday and I don't think I can go through with it - the thought of being with him for all that time is killing me.

on the flip side though im worried if I leave him now, he'll be more likely to do something to himself if he doesn't have work to get up for etc - just keep imaging him sitting here for over a week drinking and then doing something stupid.

Im 99.9 % sure im going to leave him now, hes not the man I married anymore to me. Its just plucking up the courage to actually do it.

rocketqueen

Thought I'd update everyone.

Im still living at home with husband but things are as bad as ever. Think husband has noticed a change in me and is being oddly nice - but im just throwing it back in his face, I know im being nasty to him but cant help it.

Im literally doing anything to avoid being with him, working late etc. Last night I sat in kitchen doing some college work rather then sitting in same room as him. We both have holiday from work after friday for 10 days and im DREADING it, we are also meant to going away for weekend a week this Friday and I don't think I can go through with it - the thought of being with him for all that time is killing me.

on the flip side though im worried if I leave him now, he'll be more likely to do something to himself if he doesn't have work to get up for etc - just keep imaging him sitting here for over a week drinking and then doing something stupid.

Im 99.9 % sure im going to leave him now, hes not the man I married anymore to me. Its just plucking up the courage to actually do it.

Caroline_a

Hi RQ, sorry to hear you are still in this situation. I've been in a similar predicament myself although for different reasons. You need to plan things out - long, medium and short term stuff.

If I were you I would make myself busy for your days off work - see friends, go to places alone that you've wanted to go to. Spa days are always good, gym or swimming if that's your sort of thing. 'Girly' things are easier to get away with on your own. And maybe go see some professionals to give you advice about your routes out of this?

Edit - oh and now is the time to look out for yourself. You cannot second guess what he will do, nor should you. If he does anything 'stupid' then it is his choice, do not let yourself be blackmailed.

Wickedkitten

rocketqueen wrote: »

Thought I'd update everyone.

Im still living at home with husband but things are as bad as ever. Think husband has noticed a change in me and is being oddly nice - but im just throwing it back in his face, I know im being nasty to him but cant help it.

Probably because he thought that he got away with it and things would go back to being completely normal

Im literally doing anything to avoid being with him, working late etc. Last night I sat in kitchen doing some college work rather then sitting in same room as him. We both have holiday from work after friday for 10 days and im DREADING it, we are also meant to going away for weekend a week this Friday and I don't think I can go through with it - the thought of being with him for all that time is killing me.

Nothing saying you have to go away with him is there? Let him go on his own and take yourself off somewhere else with one of your friends on a cheap lastminute or groupon deal. If he is stupid enough to ask why you don't want to be alone with him for an entire weekend, you can tell him why.

on the flip side though im worried if I leave him now, he'll be more likely to do something to himself if he doesn't have work to get up for etc - just keep imaging him sitting here for over a week drinking and then doing something stupid.

Im 99.9 % sure im going to leave him now, hes not the man I married anymore to me. Its just plucking up the courage to actually do it.

If he is well enough to make his own dinner and not think about leaving you any, and start huffing when he has to pause his game in order to talk to you, he probably won't do anything. He is just telling you that to control you, don't let him get away with it.