update to husband having a texting "affair"

rocketqueen

Hi

I'm sure a lot of you will remember or have read my last thread when I discovered my husband had been texting very inappropriate things to another girl (and arranging to meet her.)

I moved out for a few days and have been back with husband for a while now.

Things with him are terrible, I've tried and tried but just cant get over it. Everytime his phone goes off it annoys me, we haven't had any kind of intimate relationship since I discovered what had happened. He knows I'm still finding it hard but doesn't seem to want to try to make things better.

I'm at the point now where I'm thinking about leaving him, but I'm so scared. It'll mean leaving my home, my security, my cat, and pretty much everything I've ever known.

I hinted to him how badly I was feeling and he told me that his life wasn't worth living if I left him and if I went he'd kill himself - nice bit of psycologicial threatening there. But I'd never forgive myself if he did something to himself because of me.

I can move in with a friend from work and they've suggested I just leave him and we'll go away for a few days so I'm away from area while husband calms down.

Just don't know what to do.

LEJC

So are you saying he's not really trying to make a go of it, using emotional blackmail in order to keep you with him...hmmm...hes one messed up man...

I think perhaps you both need a bit of space in order to sort your feelings out..maybe he will realise what you really mean to him or its time for you both to move on...
If you cant rebuild the trust then staying in the marriage will always be tormenting for you.

Is he still in contact with the texter?

Best of luck with whatever you choose.

Gigglepig

Sounds like you both need to talk properly about how you are feeling rather than you hinting and him saying he can't live without you. I suggest booking couple's counselling session (for example with Relate). Learning to communicate better is useful in itself, even if it turns out the relationship cannot be saved.

CH27

rocketqueen wrote: »

Hi

I'm sure a lot of you will remember or have read my last thread when I discovered my husband had been texting very inappropriate things to another girl (and arranging to meet her.)

I moved out for a few days and have been back with husband for a while now.

Things with him are terrible, I've tried and tried but just cant get over it. Everytime his phone goes off it annoys me, we haven't had any kind of intimate relationship since I discovered what had happened. He knows I'm still finding it hard but doesn't seem to want to try to make things better.

I'm at the point now where I'm thinking about leaving him, but I'm so scared. It'll mean leaving my home, my security, my cat, and pretty much everything I've ever known.

I hinted to him how badly I was feeling and he told me that his life wasn't worth living if I left him and if I went he'd kill himself - nice bit of psycologicial threatening there. But I'd never forgive myself if he did something to himself because of me.

I can move in with a friend from work and they've suggested I just leave him and we'll go away for a few days so I'm away from area while husband calms down.

Just don't know what to do.

That speaks volumes to me. He thinks he's hard done by.

You can get a new home & build your own security but you cannot force trust.

victory

Sounds like your OH does not know how to make it better and has given up because of it and you don't know how to let it go and forgive and between you there is plenty of negative vibes going on....

Counselling could help, talking it over with a third person, one that is not involved is very useful, you both need to agree, probalby slowly which steps you need to move forward...

As for the emotional blackmail, get him to see his GP or ring up the samaritans or get him to talk to someone but that is not a reason to stay if you wish to leave...

Little_Miss_Winner

rocketqueen wrote: »

Hi


I'm at the point now where I'm thinking about leaving him, but I'm so scared. It'll mean leaving my home, my security, my cat, and pretty much everything I've ever known.

Hi RQ.

Will look at your previous thread shortly. But this stood out for me.. Why can't he leave, you have done nothing wrong?? Is it his house?

Hugs
xx

**professor~yaffle**

Sounds like he is trying to make out the OP is over-reacting. I'd say he's brought the situation on himself! Don't stay just for the reason that you're afraid of what he might do if you go.

HeadAboveWater

Link to previous thread as there is a lot more info given...

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4745474

Thanks for the update rocketqueen.

You've given yourself a few days of space to try to think things through, you've gone back, and nothing has changed. It would actually seem that they are worse.

I would suggest you take your friend up on their offer of getting out of the house for a bit longer, and also getting away elsewhere for a few days too. You need the time away from him to get your thoughts together and to build your confidence and strength back up again.

Good luck.

Desperado99

rocketqueen wrote: »

Hi

I'm sure a lot of you will remember or have read my last thread when I discovered my husband had been texting very inappropriate things to another girl (and arranging to meet her.)

I moved out for a few days and have been back with husband for a while now.

Things with him are terrible, I've tried and tried but just cant get over it. Everytime his phone goes off it annoys me, we haven't had any kind of intimate relationship since I discovered what had happened. He knows I'm still finding it hard but doesn't seem to want to try to make things better.

I'm at the point now where I'm thinking about leaving him, but I'm so scared. It'll mean leaving my home, my security, my cat, and pretty much everything I've ever known.

I hinted to him how badly I was feeling and he told me that his life wasn't worth living if I left him and if I went he'd kill himself - nice bit of psychologicial threatening there. But I'd never forgive myself if he did something to himself because of me.

I can move in with a friend from work and they've suggested I just leave him and we'll go away for a few days so I'm away from area while husband calms down.

Just don't know what to do.

Even if (god forbid) that happened, it would not be your fault. He's using this to stop you from going and you know that. I think your work friends suggestion is a good one. You can always contact a friend/family member of his (AFTER you've left) to warn them of his threat.

double_mummy

i would ask him to go and spend a couple of days to give you some time and space if he wont do this then kick him out
if he will do this then think about it and if you are still not happy kick him out

you are married so do not leave the home it is a marital asset he is the one who has done wrong so he is the one who should leave

aileth

The threats to kill is, in my opinion, emotional bullying. He is using your emotions to bully you into staying with him because you're worried he'd actually do it. Life isn't worth living without you, but he's quite prepared to have an affair? Scumbag.

It's a slightly different situation, although rings a bit similar with me, but could I suggest reading Tayforth's thread? From what I remember it wasn't an affair, but emotional bullying, and she too was scared of leaving, but built up the courage and is doing better than ever. You may find some comfort and strength in reading what she went through.

I think your friend is spot on though. Go hire a little cottage for a short break with her, having a lovely girly time while the worst of it blows over (and take the cat )